


The Dedicated Brother

by Storyteller_of_the_Forest



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of trauma, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Everyone Needs A Hug, Family is family, Gen, Healing, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki (Marvel) is a Good Bro, No Slash, PTSD, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Thor (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Thor (Marvel) is Not Stupid, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:54:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 43,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22075804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storyteller_of_the_Forest/pseuds/Storyteller_of_the_Forest
Summary: Loki has always run. He has always tried to distance himself from any kind of obligations and responsibilities. It's the one predictable thing about him. So naturally, Thor assumed that once he was able to return to New Asgard, his brother would flee. He is prepared for it, but he still dreads it.Yet the god of thunder is stunned when Loki doesn't immediately run. Even when Thor's health begins to decline, Loki stays. The more the god of thunder struggles, the closer he gets to an edge, the more expects Loki to disappear. Yet the trickster doesn't run. The longer he stays, the more Thor begins to hope that perhaps he won't.
Relationships: Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 109
Kudos: 184





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Year, beloved readers.
> 
> As usual, I come to you from under a mountain of deadlines. I'm starting to get my schedule under control, but it's still complete and utter chaos at the moment. I'm also working on a few personal projects, so unfortunately, I don't really have time to dedicate to the fic that I was planning to write :( (Don't worry. It's still outlined. I'm planning to write it eventually, but it may be a bit of a wait).
> 
> Over the holidays, I was playing with this short fic. I was really intrigued by the idea of writing a fic where there isn't a big bad. I wanted a more domestic setting (what happens when there's no evil monster to fight?). I really enjoy domestic scenes of our favorite Norse Gods just going about their day. Plus, I really wanted to explore how Thor got to a point where he was able to be a leader again (not to mention how Loki helped him get there). Hopefully readers are as fascinated by this idea as I am.
> 
> This fic is A LOT different than my others. It's mostly scenes and episodes that have occurred or been referenced in my other fics. **I _highly_ recommend reading my earlier fics before you read this one.** It won't make as much sense if you don't read the others.
> 
> I know I always say this, but I'm so nervous about posting this. I know it's unlike a lot of other fics. It's just something I really wanted to explore.
> 
> Posting will be as normal: Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I will try my absolute best to respond to comments in a timely manner, but there may be some stretches of silence from me (on account of aforementioned deadlines).
> 
> Comments and kudos are welcomed and much appreciated. I do love chatting with you lot :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy the story!
> 
> REGULAR WARNINGS
> 
> Haven't seen Infinity War and am not going to see Infinity War (the Russos are garbage human beings. I don't want to hear about them or their god awful trash).
> 
> I don't do romantic ships, especially not between family members. If you're into that kind of thing, go elsewhere (and don't tag my work with incest ships or comment about them in the comments, please).
> 
> Adoptees and non-traditional families deserve representation as much as anyone else. If you don't agree with this, you need to go elsewhere.
> 
> I'm still somewhat new to writing fics. So I apologize for any mistakes, mis-characterizations, formatting errors, or just any glaring errors. Please be gentle: writing fics is literally stress relief for me.
> 
> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. I don't own anything, obviously all characters and recognizable aspects belong to Marvel.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story and thank you for reading :)

* * *

**I. Returning **

Thor always expected Loki to run. It was what the trickster did. It was perhaps the one predictable thing about Loki. He ran, he disappeared. And every time he ran, Thor was left fearing it was the last time he would ever see his brother. Even when they drifted apart, Thor’s greatest fear was Loki disappearing forever. His brother was infuriating, but he was still Thor’s brother.

When he lay broken in the healing room in Wakanda, Thor feared the trickster would flee before he had a chance to see him again. He soon earned the ire of the healers and his friends due to his tendency to push himself well past his limits, which set his recovery back.

Thor would always offer a sheepish apology…and then do the same thing again.

It felt like he would never reach New Asgard. He wouldn’t get the chance to see his brother again before Loki inevitably fled to another world, disappearing in the cosmos. When he was strong enough, Steve taught Thor how to look up the daily news from New Asgard. He would read those headlines every single day, dreading the day he would read that the newly appointed leader had vanished.

Yet surprisingly, Loki didn’t run. He didn’t flee the new home of the Aesir refugees. Stranger still, his attention-loving brother seemed to be avoiding any kind of attention. What few news stories mentioned him only did so in passing. He didn’t give any interviews and the reporting was mostly on mundane matters that he had approved.

“He’s the god of mischief, right?” Bucky once asked Thor and when Thor nodded, the former Winter Soldier scrunched up his nose. “Kinda…tame, isn’t he? From the stories Steve told me, I expected him to be splashed across all the papers of the world, doing god knows what.”

Thor attempted to shrug, grimacing in pain at the sharp ache that raced through his still broken body. “I really cannot explain his quietness, Sargent Barnes. Truthfully, I find it as confusing as you. This isn’t like my brother, unless…”

“Unless?” Steve asked.

“Well, Loki does pride himself on being unpredictable,” Thor replied, offering a watery smile that didn’t quite reach his eye. He slumped back in his bed, wishing he could see his brother. He couldn’t see Loki yet, not in this state. If Loki saw how broken Thor was, surely he would flee. Some small part of Thor knew this wouldn’t be in the case. After all, one of Thor’s only vivid memories was the look of devastation on Loki’s face as he held Thor during his last moments. He had tried so damn hard to help Thor, to save him, and the god of thunder tried not to think of how much of his magic Loki must have sacrificed in the attempt.

The god of thunder couldn’t help but worry about Loki vanishing forever. He didn’t think his heart could bear losing his brother again.

_*_

When he was finally able to return to New Asgard, Thor felt more exhausted than he had in sometime, perhaps ever. That exhaustion had been dogging him ever since awakening in that hazy sterile room, of which he couldn’t remember much. Normally it was all he could feel, but once he arrived in New Asgard, Thor was overcome with dread.

On the ride from the airport to New Asgard, a storm started. It was as if the weather was welcoming him home. Thor closed his eye and listened to the patter of rain and the distant rumble of thunder. He allowed the weather to soothe him, the familiarity of thunder calming his nerves.

The bus stopped about two miles outside of New Asgard and Thor walked the rest of the way. The rain drizzled on him and the thunder seemed to be welcoming him home. However, his thoughts were troubled. Walking down the dark winding road, Thor worried this would be the last time he would ever see his brother. Loki wouldn’t want to stay if Thor returned. He would finally be free to roam the galaxy, something he’d undoubtedly wanted to do for some time. Thor sniffled. He didn’t want Loki to go, but he would support his brother if that’s what the trickster decided to do. He would always support whatever made Loki happy. His brother deserved peace, after all he’d been through.

Soon, the god of thunder saw warm lights in the distance. He crested a hill and smiled faintly when he saw the little town below. New Asgard, home of the Aesir. His home. He was finally home. Thor let out his breath and continued on his journey.

He saw Brunnhilde first, who burst into tears upon seeing him…and then promptly punched him in the arm and cursed him.

“You stupid bastard!” she sobbed. “How could you do this to us?”

Thor rubbed his sore arm, knowing it would likely be bruised in the morning. “I am sorry, my friend. I truly did not expect to be among the living again. I—ah!”

She smacked his arm again and then again. “Thor Odinson, if you ever apologize for being alive again, I will punch you so hard, your descendants will feel it! And then I’ll call Carol Danvers to help me beat some sense into you!”

After their reunion, she drove him to Loki’s small home. She offered to bring him straight to his brother, which Thor instantly refused. He offered her a half truth, that he didn’t want to interrupt whatever important business Loki was working on. Judging from the Valkyrie’s expression, she didn’t totally buy it. Nonetheless, she agreed to drop him off at Loki’s house.

They drove through the town to where Loki had set up his house. Thor marveled at just how much his brother had managed to build. The town was truly perfect. There were so many little shops and offices. It was thriving. Seeing a large statue of Heimdall, Thor felt a lump in his throat and looked down at his hands in his lap.

“Does Loki live in town?” Thor asked. He hoped his brother had made some connections, some friends. He didn’t like the thought of Loki being isolated. And if he had at least a few people he cared about, it might mean he would be less likely to leave.

Brunnhilde shook her head. “Nah, he lives just outside the town center. Loki…he doesn’t really like being surrounded. I think he prefers the quiet, which is just weird for him. Back on Sakaar, he was always trying to be the center of attention. I don’t know, war changes people in strange and unexpected ways sometimes.”

“Oh,” Thor said. Brunnhilde glanced at him, but didn’t say anything. They drove the rest of the way in silence.

Eventually, Brunnhilde turned onto a winding road that led to a small home, which was set up in the hills. There was a gate that ran around the property and Thor could see some plants were set up in front of the house, flowers and shrubbery.

“He’ll be home in an hour or two,” Brunnhilde told the god of thunder, handing him the keys to allow him entrance. “It’s really good to have you back, Thor.”

Thor smiled at her. “Thank you, Brunnhilde.”

He rose from the car and walked up the quaint little path to the front door. Taking a deep breath, he put his key in the lock and twisted it, opening the door and stepping inside.

Entering the cozy home, a lump rose in Thor’s throat. This was where his brother lived. Loki was alive and well. Moving through the various rooms, Thor memorized every last detail. There were numerous books on the bookshelves and Thor spotted one lying on a table, obviously something Loki had been reading while having breakfast. The god of thunder was pleased to see a small vegetable garden in the backyard. A genuine smile lit Thor’s face as he recognized the various plants. His brother had actually planted vegetables. That was something Thor never would have thought Loki would be interested in attempting.

Continuing to move through the house, Thor found himself in the bedroom and switched on a lamp. He moved over to the wardrobe. Opening it, he saw Loki’s clothing was hung up neatly. There was a child’s drawing hanging on the door, which looked like him and Loki on a farm surrounded by butterflies. Noticing a splash of red, Thor spotted his own cape. Slowly letting out his breath, Thor reached for it and ran his fingers down the material. He was surprised to find it clean. There wasn’t any sign of bloodstains, which was rather surprising.

Next to his own cape, Thor spotted Loki’s familiar green cape. The god of thunder reached out and gently brushed his fingers against it. Bringing it to his nose, Thor closed his eyes and breathed in Loki’s scent. It was familiar, earthy, and so very much like home. He could feel a familiar warmth creep into his eye. When Loki did flee, Thor would only be left with memories. He needed to keep as many as he possibly could.

Eventually, he moved back into the dark kitchen and sat at the table, resting his head on his arms. A familiar tiredness was starting to settle in his bones again. Thor thought back on their childhood, a faint smile dancing over his lips. They’d had some truly great adventures together. Thor regretted that they had drifted apart and reconciled almost too late. Closing his eye, Thor drifted away from the waking world.

Even his light sleep was troubled and Thor woke up, crying his brother’s name, a thin sheen of sweat on his brow. He was panting and looked around the darkened space, forgetting where he was for a brief moment. Once he had settled down, Thor ran a hand over his face, feeling embarrassed.

The sound of the front door opening drew the god of thunder’s attention and he shrank down in his chair. Suddenly, he was terrified. Loki was going to run. The minute he saw Thor, the trickster would leave. His brother had returned and so Loki was free to go off on his own again. Or he would be angry that Thor had lied to him (the irony of that wasn’t lost on the god of thunder).

He heard his brother’s almost silent footsteps and Thor shrank down even more, expecting Loki to enter the kitchen for food or drink. It had been a long day after all. For a split second, Thor considered leaving out the back way. Perhaps it would be better if they never saw each other again, if he left Loki in peace with his memories of the god of thunder.

When Loki didn’t enter the kitchen, Thor frowned and rose to his feet, moving to the doorway. His breath caught in his throat when he spotted his brother sitting in a comfortable-looking chair. Loki’s back was to Thor, his head was resting on his fist. Norns, Thor had missed his brother. _And I’m almost certainly going to lose him again,_ Thor thought as he swallowed and considered his words.

“Leadership suits you,” he said softly, just loud enough that Loki would hear him. He might as well have bellowed it for the reaction it elicited. The trickster leapt to his feet with a gasp, spinning around and staring wide-eyed at the god of thunder. He looked exactly like Thor remembered him and for that, Thor was glad. The war had not left him scarred, not like it had Thor. Loki still looked like Loki. Though his eyes were a little different, a little less wild than they had been. A million emotions rushed over the trickster’s face.

And Thor glimpsed that old urge as it crossed Loki’s mind. That instinct to flee. Thor smiled tiredly, though his heart was breaking.

_Please don’t go._

“Brother—”

Thor wasn’t expecting the knife that was hurled at him and barely had time to move out of the way. It clattered on the ground somewhere past him. He should have anticipated that. It was Loki after all. A familiar irritation came over the god of thunder.

“Seven hells, Loki!” _Are you trying to kill me again!?_

“You’re always throwing things at me to prove I’m real!”

“Not _weapons_!”

“It still hurts to get hit in the head with a solid object, Thor!”

Loki was trembling and Thor instinctively moved forward, wanting to protect his brother, to comfort him. Loki took a giant step back, holding his hand up, telling Thor to stay back. It was such a simple act, but to Thor, it felt like a knife straight through his heart. His brother was scared of him, wanted him to keep his distance. They hadn’t seen each other in years and Loki had built a life for himself. One that didn’t include Thor. This had been cruel to do to him. Thor should have gone elsewhere.

Loki clenched his eyes shut and shook his head. “You died. I saw you die. You’re not really here. This is some…some cruel trick being played on me.”

Thor hadn’t heard his brother sound so broken before. He stared at the trickster, stunned at the tears that were streaming down Loki’s face. Thor carefully stepped forward again and this time, Loki didn’t retreat. He was still shaking, tears still running down his face, and he was rigid. He was prepared to run, to bolt.

Reaching forward, Thor gently placed his hand on the side of Loki’s neck. He wasn’t sure how his brother would react to that, after the encounter with Thanos, but it didn’t seem to distress Loki. Thor moved his hand to the back of Loki’s neck, a familiar gesture he’d used throughout their childhood to reassure his brother, to tell Loki without words that he was there.

Loki blinked a few times, his teary green eyes rising to Thor’s face. Thor had never seen his brother shed so many tears and it made tears well up in his own eye.

_Please do not leave. Please, just this once, stay._

“It’s me, Loki. I swear to you. I’m here. I’m really here,” Thor spoke softly, willing his brother to hear his words.

And he braced himself, waiting for Loki to turn around and leave. To disappear into the night as he had done so often in the past. Thor wouldn’t blame him if that was what Loki needed to do. He wanted his brother to be happy, to be free. It was part of why he’d sacrificed his life in order to defeat Thanos. That didn’t mean it wouldn’t break the god of thunder’s heart.

Thor didn’t expect Loki to throw his arms around him. For an instant, Thor had no idea how to react. But he swiftly wrapped his arms around his brother’s lithe form as Loki buried his face in Thor’s shoulder, his entire body shaking as he wept. The god of thunder was soon weeping as well. He buried his face in Loki’s dark hair, cradling the back of his brother’s head. He didn’t ever want to let go. He’d lost his brother so many times in the past. He didn’t want that to happen again.

_Thank you, brother,_ Thor thought. This was a moment he never allowed himself to even consider during the war against Thanos and even afterwards. He didn’t dare dream of it. Yet somehow it had come to pass.

And for a moment, Thor allowed himself to believe it was possible that everything would be fine. The worst was over. It had to be.


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

** II. Fatigue **

The exhaustion became worse after he returned to New Asgard. For the first couple months Thor was home, all he could do was sleep. He tried everything to return to normal, to be himself again, but nothing worked. He often found himself lying on the floor, sleeping, when attempting as mundane a task as moving to another room or changing his clothes. Everything left him completely and utterly exhausted.

Thor knew Loki was growing concerned with the constant sleeping. Time and time again, Loki tried to convince Thor to let him send for a healer. And Thor refused every single time. He didn’t want to see a healer. He’d been poked and prodded and cut open enough when he was being kept in the SHIELD facility. He couldn’t bear to see another healer. Just the thought set him on edge and made his heart start to beat a little faster. Thor wouldn’t admit it, but the thought of a healer scared him.

The god of thunder quickly figured out all he was able to do was move from the bed to the couch in the main room of the house. Once again, Thor started forcing himself to do more. If he didn’t go back to his old self, Loki was definitely going to leave. The trickster didn’t like being saddled with responsibility. If he knew just how broken Thor still was, how weak he was…

“Norns, not again.”

Loki’s soft voice pulled Thor out of his spiraling thoughts. He slowly woke up when he felt himself being lifted off the cold hardwood floor. He had been attempting to walk from the couch to the kitchen, determined to eat at the table. Thor was mostly still able to feed himself, but there had been a few days when Loki had to help him eat. It was unbelievably humiliating.

Thor rolled his head so he was looking up at Loki, who was carrying him back to the couch. Strangely, he didn’t appear annoyed or frustrated or even exasperated. Loki seemed focused, perhaps a little concerned. This hadn’t been the first time he’d had to lift Thor off the ground and carry him back to wherever he’d been sleeping.

Thor felt the trickster lower him to the comfortable couch and pull the blanket back up to his shoulders. Thor almost fell asleep the moment his head was on the pillow again. He forced himself to remain awake, though it took most of the strength he had left.

“I wished to eat in the kitchen,” Thor mumbled, drawing Loki’s attention. Loki sighed and started stroking Thor’s short hair.

“And I have asked you not to push yourself,” Loki replied. “Coming back from death, particularly so violent a death, is not an easy feat and takes its toll on the body, even in the best of circumstances. You were brought back by Midgardian charlatans, which was most certainly _not_ the best of circumstances. Your body is still acclimating to being among the living again. It requires a lot of rest, Thor. For once in your life, rest.”

Thor pulled the blanket more around him, yawning. “But I rested for ages in Wakanda. I recovered. I do not understand why I am so tired.”

Loki’s brows knitted and he looked back to the blanket.

“I really wish you would let me call a healer to see to you,” Loki replied in that soft voice of his. At the mention of a healer, Thor’s heart beat a little faster and he must have started panting because Loki looked back to him sharply.

“Worry not, I am not going to summon anyone without your permission,” Loki reassured him and Thor nodded. “Just…rest, brother. I shall call Brunnhilde and ask her to bring us a light dinner.”

Thor sniffled, his eye starting to droop. He weakly felt around for Loki’s hand. A sense of relief rushed over him when he felt his brother’s naturally cool flesh.

“Will you…will you still be here when I awaken?”

It was something the god of thunder dreaded every time he fell asleep. That he would wake up and the trickster would be gone. It felt like an inevitability and it was making Thor miserable.

Loki stared at him as though Thor had just declared he had found the Midgardian Bigfoot of myth and intended to keep it as a pet.

“Of course. Where else would I be?”

Thor’s eye shut of its own accord and he clasped his brother’s hand a little tighter, not wanting to fall asleep. “Please…please don’t go, Loki.”

He was barely awake, already drifting further from the world of waking. The last thing he heard was Loki’s quiet voice: “I won’t.”

When Thor next awoke, he found his brother dozing beside the couch, his head resting on his fist. Loki’s free hand was still holding Thor’s. Thor could already feel himself drifting back off to sleep and he dreaded it. He didn’t know how much longer he would awaken to find his brother still there, at his side. Thor was preparing himself for that inevitable day when Loki left again.

_*_

“He will likely sleep the whole time. On average, he’s awake maybe an hour or two each day and today he has already been awake an hour to my estimate.”

Thor heard Loki’s voice traveling around the kitchen of their house. It sounded distant and the god of thunder knew he was only half-awake.

“If he does wake up, there is some food in the refrigerator. He hasn’t been able to eat much, but try to get him to eat a little. He’s partial to fruit. I would feel better if he ate something a little more substantial, but whatever he can manage will be fine,” Loki’s soft smooth voice continued. “He sometimes has trouble grasping things, so you may need to hold his utensils. If something needs to be cut up, you will have to do that for him.”

There was a pause and then Loki’s faint voice started again, so far away that Thor couldn’t make out what he was saying. He cursed his inability to wake up. It was a relief when he heard the footsteps getting closer again.

“Loki, why haven’t you summoned a healer? This doesn’t sound…normal,” Brunnhilde’s voice came from somewhere nearby. Thor estimated she was standing in the kitchen doorway.

“Because Thor requested I not do so,” Loki replied, his voice getting nearer. “And I do not want to go against his wishes.”

Brunnhilde scoffed. “I thought that was your modus operandi.”

“Normally it is. Thor makes stupid decisions. He always has,” Loki said and Thor could hear him clearly, indicating the trickster was close to him. He paused and Thor wondered what Loki was thinking. He soon felt his brother’s gentle hand running over the top of his head. It was a wonderful sensation and calmed Thor’s nerves.

“The Midgardians did something to my brother. This is more than just exhaustion from coming back to life. They hurt him somehow and I intend to find out how. Until I do, I do not wish to force him to do something that makes him uncomfortable. I don’t know how much damage they did or what kind, so for the time being, I’m relying on Thor to tell me what he needs,” Loki finished.

“You sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Brunnhilde asked. “History shows you have a tendency to overreact.”

Thor could practically hear his brother’s irritation at the implication that he had ever behaved any way other than completely rationally. He could almost picture the look of offense on the trickster’s face.

“Remind me again who built New Asgard from nothing and has been leading the Aesir for the past few years, including when you were off galivanting about Wakanda. Do you have any idea the sheer amount of easily wounded egos I regularly have to contend with? I know how to handle difficult people,” Loki replied.

“That’s different. None of the squabbles you’ve dealt with had to do with Thor. None of those easily wounded egos hurt someone close to you,” Brunnhilde pointed out. “Loki, I’m concerned about what they will tell you and I’m even more concerned about how you’ll react.”

Loki was quiet for a moment and Thor struggled to open his eye to see what his brother was doing. He cursed his weakness when he found he was unable to do so. Their voices were getting distant. He was falling asleep again.

“I know what I’m doing, Brunnhilde,” Loki said dismissively. “Everything is completely under control.”

“Just like it was with Thanos?” Brunnhilde pointed out. At the mere mention of the titan’s name, Thor felt his heart start to beat a little faster. Horrific memories started to consume him.

_“Valhalla? Is that where you think you’ll go?”_

_Thanos slammed the gauntlet into Thor’s already broken chest and the agony that consumed him was unlike any he’d ever experienced before. Thor felt his soul ripped from his body._

_“You’ll…never…be…a…god.”_

_“No more resurrections.”_

Without meaning to, Thor whimpered softly. Immediately, the voices went quiet.

“Do not **_ever_** mention that name around him,” Loki hissed, scolding. “Even if you believe him asleep, never utter that name.”

Soft footsteps approached, pausing beside the couch.

“Thor?” Loki’s soft voice spoke above him. Thor heard his brother kneel beside the couch, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. Thor struggled to open his eye, but found he was unable to. Frustration swept over him. He’d fought mighty foes, battled some of the worst villains in the galaxy, and now he couldn’t even do something as simple as open his eye.

After a moment, Loki squeezed his shoulder gently and rose to his feet again. Thor heard his soft footsteps travel a few feet away, closer to the kitchen doorway.

“Something is wrong with my brother and if I don’t find out what, I risk losing him again,” Loki told Brunnhilde quietly. “I failed to save him once. I refuse to fail a second time.”

“You’re angry, Loki. I know you don’t think it, but I can see it. Look, we’re all used to your shenanigans and…let’s say personality. The Midgardians are not. You’ve managed to earn some good will, but Midgardians are not quick to forget. Don’t roll your eyes at me.”

“You are worried over nothing,” Loki replied dismissively.

“Do you remember how hard it was for you to earn your citizenship? For you to convince the Midgardians to allow you to stay?” Brunnhilde pointed out.

“How could I forget?” Loki muttered, annoyance clear in his tone.

Thor heard his brother let out a huff of a breath and the god of thunder felt anxious. His brother was going to leave. Or he was going to be taken away. Brunnhilde had to stop him. She couldn’t let him go. Thor struggled to wake up more fully. He would physically restrain his brother if he had to. Loki couldn’t leave. He couldn’t leave again.

_Don’t go! Please don’t go! Loki, stay here! For once in your life, just stay!_

“Gods know it’s impossible to talk you out of anything, no matter how bad an idea it is. Just…be careful, Lackey,” Brunnhilde finally said.

“You know I will be,” Loki replied. Thor felt him kneel beside the couch where he was sleeping, still unable to wake up fully to stop his brother from doing something foolish and impulsive.

“I am going out for a little while, Thor. Brunnhilde is going to stay here with you and I shall be back before supper,” Loki whispered to him, gently running a hand over his hair.

“You have my number. If anything should happen or if Thor needs to speak with me, just call,” Loki said to Brunnhilde as he stood up again.

“Good luck,” Brunnhilde replied. Thor couldn’t stop screaming in his mind, which was fast resulting in a growing headache. When he heard the front door shut, Thor felt hopelessness wash over him. Loki had left.

_*_

Since returning to New Asgard, Thor found waking up was a time-consuming process. He no longer woke up in a normal manner, like he had before the war of the gauntlet. Now it involved steps and normally took him up to an hour and a half to reach a state of mostly awake.

That evening, he was more worn out than normal. Thor had once again pushed himself far past his limits and it resulted in a pounding headache, worse than the ones he experienced on occasion. Aside from the headache, his exhaustion was even more intense than it normally was and his sleep was deeper. Thor had been determined to remain awake and greet his brother when he returned home.

If he returned.

Alas, Thor fell asleep a few minutes after failing to put on his boots to go outside. Brunnhilde had to help him to the couch. Then his headache worsened to the point where everything was painful, and she had to help him back to the bedroom. Thor felt more shame than he had in quite some time. After Brunnhilde left the room, he grabbed one of Loki’s pillows, holding it close. His eye fell on Stormbreaker, which was leaning against the wall on Loki’s side of the bed. Thor rolled onto his other side, turning his back to the weapon, and curled up as tightly as he could. He pulled the blankets over his shoulder and closed his eye, drifting off to sleep.

He was slowly starting to awaken when he heard someone moving about the house and heard muffled voices out in the main area. Thor braced himself for Brunnhilde to enter the room and tell him Loki was gone. He’d known this day was coming, but he still felt indescribable pain. He was alone again, all alone.

Strangely, the Valkyrie didn’t enter the room. Instead, someone with a lighter step entered and moved around a bit. Thor was terribly confused, but fell asleep before he could place the soft footsteps.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but the feeling of the covers being lifted woke Thor up. The god of thunder struggled to wake more fully, despite the pounding ache in his head. Every time he woke, Thor experienced pain. Whether in his head or deep within his muscles. And it was usually debilitating.

Then, a gentle hand ran over his short hair. _Loki!_ Joy blossomed in Thor’s heart when he recognized that cool hand brushing through his hair. His brother had returned! He had come back! Thor didn’t know why Loki wouldn’t seize the opportunity to be free again…but that cool hand felt so very much like Loki’s. Unless his tired mind was playing tricks on him. Thor was afraid to even hope that his brother had returned.

“Loki?” Thor whispered, his voice quivering. Using all his strength, Thor forced his body to roll onto his other side so he could face his brother. Slowly, he allowed his eyelid to flutter open. They wanted to remain closed, but Thor fought the urge to let them. He desperately wanted to see his brother. He needed to see his brother.

He felt a crashing wave of relief when he saw the dark-haired trickster laying on his side next to him, framed in the silvery moonlight. Loki smiled faintly when Thor looked at him, but tears glistened in his eyes. Thor furrowed his brow a little. _What’s the matter, Loki? What’s wrong?_

He could bring himself to ask those questions, so he settled on, “You were gone a while. Where did you go?”

Loki shrugged, his smile never faltering, but those tears remained in his eyes. It was bothering Thor. Something was hurting his brother and he had to find out what. He wanted to offer Loki some comfort.

“Just to meet with some advisors. Sort out matters related to tariffs,” Loki answered vaguely. Thor would have smiled if he had the strength. His brother was attempting to deceive him again. Thor had missed the easy way his brother spun untruths, though this felt…different somehow. This wasn’t Loki being mischievous or malicious. He was bending the truth for some other reason.

Thor yawned, feeling sleep creeping up on him again but he fought it. He needed to figure out why his brother felt the need to deceive him. Loki’s untruths could sometimes lead to disasters, disasters that could and often did harm the trickster. Thor had to protect his brother. He’d already failed once and he would be damned if he did so again.

“I was hoping to greet you when you returned,” he mumbled, feeling his hold on wakefulness slip. His heart warmed when he heard Loki chuckle in genuine amusement.

“Oh? Were you hoping to pop out from behind the door to startle me? Perhaps revenge for the snake incident all those years ago?” Loki teased. A grin split his lips and Thor’s heart ached. He was going to miss that easy smile when Loki eventually left. His brother had healed from all the old opened wounds that brought him to the brink all those years ago. Loki seemed more whole, more content, than he ever had before.

_Thanos tortured him, broke him completely, and yet he somehow healed. My brother really is amazing,_ Thor thought, remembering the horrors Gamora had told him about. He pushed it out of his mind for the moment. He couldn’t bear to think of the torments Loki had endured, not when he was incapable of speaking for any length of time. Besides, Thor would not force his brother to recall memories he found painful. If Loki needed to speak of such things, he would do so when he felt ready.

Letting out a soft laugh, Thor gazed at his brother affectionately. “No. No, just wanted to welcome my brother home from his excursion.”

_But I couldn’t. Because I’m too weak. I’m a burden on Loki and everyone else._

Thor swallowed, feeling ashamed. “I’m sorry I fell asleep again. I’m still so tired.”

_I’m sorry I’m such a burden on you, brother. I will understand, when you leave._ Truthfully, Thor was impressed Loki had remained for this long.

The trickster frowned and shook his head, brushing at a few tears that escaped from his eyes. He sniffled, but that gentle smile remained on his face. Norns, it resembled their mother’s.

“Do not apologize,” Loki said softly. “I’m happy to return home to find you resting peacefully.”

_When did my frost giant brother become so warm?_ Thor wondered. Loki’s words soothed him. They somehow took some of the sting out of his current condition, his weakness, somehow made him feel less ashamed. Sometimes, that soft pleasant voice chased away the dark memories and thoughts that haunted the god of thunder.

_He is so much like mother,_ Thor thought and his heart ached. He remembered his mother fussing over the two of them, how warm her hugs had been. What he wouldn’t give for her advice. Thor still grieved his mother and the memories of finding her, lying in a pool of her own blood in her chambers, still occasionally haunted his dreams.

_How do I keep Loki here, mother? How do I prevent him from leaving?_

If anyone would know how to keep Loki in one place, it would have been Frigga. Alas, she was gone. Looking up to Loki, Thor searched his face as he felt tears well up in his eye. Loki was watching him, waiting patiently.

“Do you remember how mother used to greet us when we returned home from our lessons?” he asked. Thor tried not to bring up Frigga often. If he was still grieving her loss, he couldn’t even imagine the pain Loki must still be experiencing. After all, his brother hadn’t even been given the opportunity to properly say goodbye to their mother. _Perhaps the most important person in his life and we denied him the chance to say goodbye to her. That was unforgivable,_ Thor thought, feeling a tear escape his eye.

To his shock, Loki smiled faintly, a small sad smile. It was the exact same smile he’d offered Thor when they traveled to Svartalfheim, to save Jane. Norns, that felt like a lifetime ago.

“After every single one,” Loki said. “If she were away on diplomatic matters, she would cast an illusion to greet us.”

Thor was surprised Loki was willing to share in those memories of the past. It was something the god of thunder desperately needed, but he had fully expected Loki to brush him off. The trickster had never enjoyed recalling the past. He saw it as sentimental and therefore pointless.

“We were always so happy to see her,” Thor said, a faint sad smile dancing over his lips. “Norns, I can still smell her perfume and feel her arms around us, hear her laugh. I think that was perhaps one of the happiest times in my life,” Thor whispered, smiling even as he felt his lips trembling.

He heard Loki make a noise of agreement and in the shadows, Thor saw him brush away another tear. Something was really bothering trickster. It couldn’t have been the memories of their mother. Loki had been in this peculiar mood even before Thor had brought her up. If only his brother weren’t so infuriatingly difficult to read. Thor could often tell when something was bothering Loki, but he had never been able to figure out what.

“I…I really miss her, Loki,” Thor told his brother, sniffling. _I should be with her, now. Loki and Brunnhilde shouldn’t be forced to endure this burden._

“I do as well, brother,” Loki admitted. Thor was once again shocked that Loki was willing to speak so openly of such a thing. In the past, Loki never would have confessed such a thing to anyone, least of all Thor. The trickster would have kept him at arm’s length, just like everyone else. Yet something had changed in Loki.

Thor was going to speak of another memory, but it suddenly felt as though a knife were being driven into his skull. He clenched his eye shut and turned his face more into the pillow, not wanting to whimper. Norns it hurt. These headaches were agony.

“Brunnhilde mentioned you had a headache,” Loki’s soft voice somehow traveled through the haze of pain that was consuming the god of thunder. Thor attempted to nod, letting out an almost silent whimper. He realized he had to confess yet another weakness to Loki. Yet another thing the trickster was likely going to have to deal with for however long he stayed.

_Everything is broken. I am broken. Why could they not have just left me in peace?_

Swallowing the nausea that suddenly swam up in him, Thor slowly let out his breath. He needed some relief from the pain. Perhaps Loki could help.

“After…after being brought back, I started experiencing headaches occasionally,” Thor explained, quickly adding. “They never last long. It shall likely be over by the morning.”

He could feel Loki watching him, but couldn’t bear to look at his brother. Whatever Loki was thinking, whatever expression he wore, Thor thought it would be painful to see. The pain became even more intense and Thor worried he was going to be sick to his stomach.

“Could you…?” Thor paused when another wave of pain hit him. “Could you possibly alleviate some of the pain? I wouldn’t ask but it’s more intense than usual.”

Glancing over at Loki, Thor noticed he looked curious. The pain in his head was growing and Thor’s vision swam. He hated asking Loki to use his seidr for such an insignificant problem, but the pain was difficult to deal with.

“Usual? How often do you experience them?”

Thor swallowed, uncomfortable revealing yet another weakness. He trusted Loki, but he didn’t want anyone to see him as an invalid. Admitting he was struggling felt like an admission of surrender, and Thor was still fighting. He didn’t have any strength left, but still he fought. He wanted Loki to see that he would eventually get better and everything would go back to normal. If he could prove that to his brother, perhaps Loki wouldn’t flee.

“Not often, every now and again,” Thor replied with a half-truth. The pain reached an unbearable level, to the point where it felt like his skull was splitting open. It felt like when Thanos had held his head in a vice grip.

“Loki, please?” Thor pleaded, unsure what exactly he was asking his brother for. He needed help dealing with the pain, but he also needed Loki to reassure him that he was still there. That what happened aboard their ship was a horrific illusion. That Thanos hadn’t really murdered the trickster. _Please don’t let this all have been a lie._

A few tears escaped from beneath Thor’s eyelid when he felt his brother gently press his fingertips to Thor’s temple. He felt the pleasant coolness of Loki’s seidr sink into his temple. It swam about his head and then disappeared, which was odd. Loki’s seidr was powerful and while he wasn’t a healer, Loki was capable of easing minor aches and pains. A headache should not have been difficult to alleviate.

Thor cracked open an eye and noticed Loki was now sitting up with his back against the headboard. He was studying his hand with a puzzled expression. His brow furrowed as he looked to Thor and then to his hand again. Suddenly, his face relaxed and he massaged his brow. Had he not been in so much pain, Thor might have smiled. He had gotten better at reading his brother and from his body language, it seemed like Loki had figured out the cause of the problem. The hint of frustration in his expression suggested that it was not a problem with a solution.

“I cannot alleviate this pain, Thor. I’m sorry,” Loki told him softly. Thor was sure his heart stopped. They hadn’t had a chance to speak since Thor’s return due to the god of thunder’s exhaustion. Had his brother been wounded in the war? Was his magic affected? Did Thanos steal some of Loki’s abilities? Was Loki hurting? Thor cursed his inability to voice these questions. His brother might need help and Thor could offer none. _He has spent so much time caring for me. What if his magic has been depleted?_

His worry must have read on his face, because Loki offered him a reassuring grin and shook his head once.

“Chances are it’s connected to your unnatural return to life. My seidr is strong, but I’m afraid it cannot affect some of the ill effects of the infinity stones,” the dark-haired god explained to his brother.

For a brief moment, Thor felt relief. Loki’s magic was still intact. Nothing had been permanently taken from him. Thanos hadn’t damaged him as he had Thor. _Damaged._ The misery came back like a flood when Thor realized what Loki had told him: he was damaged in yet another way. He had yet another affliction to deal with, another burden. Yet another thing that would eventually drive Loki away. Realizing Loki was still looking at him, Thor tried to offer him a small smile, but found he was too tired to do so.

“It’s okay, Loki. Thank you for trying,” he said. Suddenly, he very much wanted to give into the sleep he had been fighting off.

“I shall do some research in the morning. Perhaps I can figure out a way around such things,” Loki promised. Thor barely heard him, but there was a strange tone in his voice. It sounded as though…as though he were desperate to keep Thor awake, to keep talking. _Why in the seven Hels would Loki want to talk? He enjoys listening and he’s never been wild about having conversations with me. Hel, it was impossible to get him to do so on Sakaar. What changed?_

Thor was too tired to think of possible answers. He allowed his eye to close and curled up tightly, still facing Loki. Sometimes it helped offset the horrific nightmares he regularly experienced. Loki still wasn’t inclined to being hugged or pawed at. He’d allowed it when Thor first came home, but after that night, he went back to preferring distance. Loki needed to have his own space and Thor respected that.

“If anyone can, it’s you,” Thor murmured around a yawn. “I really am sorry I wasn’t able to greet you, Loki. I do not understand why I am so tired.”

_Please do not leave when I’m asleep. Please do not leave without giving me a chance to say goodbye._

“You have been through much. It’s okay to rest, brother,” Loki replied softly and Thor felt his mind drifting further away from waking. He wondered what horrors awaited him tonight.

Faintly, he heard Loki speaking beneath his breath and felt the familiar pleasant coolness of his magic. The trickster was likely playing with his magic, as he sometimes did when he was bored. After a moment, Thor felt a gentle, cool hand rest on his shoulder.

“Thor?” Loki whispered. “Thor, open your eye for a moment.”

_Will you stay if I do?_

It was difficult, but Thor managed to coax his eye open. He frowned when he noticed the walls of their house had vanished. He rolled onto his back and an easy smile danced across his lips. The sky! He remembered the sky! It had been ages since he had seen it and Thor hadn’t realized just how much he’d missed it. Looking up at the stars and the moon, the god of thunder found his better memories closer than they had been in a long time. Norns, he could hear the songs of the night birds.

“It’s beautiful,” Thor whispered, awestruck. He looked over at Loki, who grinned warmly. “An illusion?”

“A relatively simple spell, I painted the sky outside over our walls. They’re still there, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Thor shook his head, still smiling as he looked back to the scenery surrounding them. It had been so long since his heart had felt so light. “I wasn’t. You’re a powerful sorcerer and your magic is second to none. Mother was wise to teach you such magics and to share her seidr with you.”

Soon, his eye began drooping and Thor rolled back onto his side, unable to resist the call of sleep any longer. _Thank you, brother._

“Thor, before you go back to sleep, I should let you know I wasn’t entirely truthful earlier,” Loki spoke easily. _No really?_ Thor thought as he snorted in amusement. It would appear some things would never change.

“My brother, the god of lies, _lied_? To _me_? Never. I shant believe it,” he teased, happy to hear Loki’s breathy chuckle at his response. Though it took great effort and made the pain in his head slightly worse, Thor forced himself to awaken more and eased himself up into a sitting position. He noticed Loki hold out his hands, prepared to offer aid if Thor needed it, but the god of thunder was determined to sit up by himself. _Loki needs to speak with me. After all he does for me and has done for me, it’s the least I can do for him._

Thor slumped back against the headboard, letting out a breath. Just that small action had taken so much out of him and it frustrated the god of thunder. Still, he looked over at his brother and smiled faintly. His smile faded when he saw there were still tears glistening in Loki’s eyes. The trickster looked troubled and Thor was determined not to fall asleep until he figured out what was bothering his brother so much.

“So long as there’s not another apocalyptic war on the horizon, I think I can forgive you,” Thor paused and searched Loki’s face. “You haven’t hidden anything important, have you?”

Loki cleared his throat and shook his head, picking at a thread on the comforter.

“No, nothing quite so interesting, I’m afraid.”

Thor watched as the trickster fidgeted a little more, patiently waiting for Loki to speak. He didn’t want to press Loki into revealing anything before he was ready. Though inwardly, he was worried. What if Loki told him he was leaving? Thor wasn’t ready to be alone yet. Surely Loki realized that. Surely he knew that.

Loki straightened his shoulders and looked over at Thor. “I’ve banned SHIELD from New Asgard.”

At first, Thor didn’t think he’d heard Loki right. If he’d taken such action, he would’ve thought Loki would be celebrating. Knowing Loki’s feelings toward SHIELD, Thor would have thought Loki would declare a national holiday and organize full festivities. There would almost certainly be some absurdly large garish parade and the alcohol would be flowing freely.

Yet Loki was here, telling Thor what he had done, and seemingly on the verge of tears.

“You what?” Thor asked when he was able to find his words again. He was completely baffled by this revelation and his fear of Loki leaving was pushed to the back of his mind. “Why?”

Loki dropped his eyes to the bed and Thor saw a few tears slip free. He resisted the urge to reach out and grip his brother’s shoulder. Loki sniffled again and Thor felt his heart break a little. His brother was hurting and Thor still didn’t know why. Loki took a deep breath, seemingly preparing himself to explain his actions to his brother.

“Earlier this afternoon, I met with Director Fury and Agent Hill. They told me about what was done to you, when they brought you back. Not all of it, obviously, but a general idea of what happened,” Loki told him, his eyes roaming around the room, unable or unwilling to look at Thor. “Learning that, I felt it was in the best interest of our people that SHIELD no longer have a presence here.”

It felt like he had been punched in the chest. Thor wasn’t sure whether to be enraged, ashamed, or grateful. He hadn’t wanted Loki to find out what had happened in that laboratory, when he’d been brought back, broken and helpless. Thor didn’t want his brother to be burdened with the knowledge of his torment. He never wanted Loki to know he had been tortured. Though he desperately wanted to fill in the blanks in his memory, of which there were a great many, Thor had never wanted to trouble his brother with such matters.

He was still sorting through his own complicated feelings toward SHIELD. He loved and trusted his friends and he still believed that SHIELD was mostly good. But he couldn’t deny his unease with the large organization. He was still dealing with the aftereffects of what they had done to him. And, truth be told, Thor didn’t trust them not to do the same to his brother. Or worse.

Loki seemed to misread his silence as anger and quickly added, “Of course, once you take up the mantle of leader, you can reverse such a decision and undoubtedly will.”

_He still believes I shall one day be fit to lead again. He doesn’t realize that future has long since passed. I’m unfit to lead, I will always be unfit to lead. After all that has happened, all that I did and failed to do, I shall never be worthy of such a position again,_ Thor thought as he watched his brother.

“I just…I wanted you to know that they’re not going to hurt you again. I promise you, brother,” Loki finished as he looked down at his hands. An easy silence fell over them.

Seeing another tear slowly crawl down Loki’s cheek, Thor could help it no longer. He reached over and wrapped his trembling arms around his brother. To his great surprise, Loki didn’t pull away. Not only did he not pull away, he wrapped his arms around Thor and returned the embrace. Thor heard him sniffle and felt the warm dampness of his tears soak into the fabric of his shoulder.

_This was all to assure my safety. Loki wants me to be safe,_ Thor realized as he held his brother. His heart warmed and Thor buried his face in Loki’s soft hair. Loki was often difficult to read and often made terribly reckless decisions, usually making a catastrophic mess of things. Yet he still had a good heart. Loki had a heroic side, as he had shown during the fight against Hela and later against Thanos.

_I wish I could do as much for you as you do for me,_ Thor thought as he continued to hug his brother. He didn’t know if Loki still carried wounds from that terrible war, when they had both lost everything. He was sure he did. Thor wished more than anything he could do something to help his brother during those more difficult times.

Eventually, Thor felt his hold on consciousness weakening. Exhaustion was pulling at him again and he knew he could no longer remain awake. Still, he held his brother until he no longer had the strength to do so.

“Thank you, brother,” Thor whispered. If nothing else, he wanted to make sure Loki knew how grateful he was for all the trickster did for both of them.

_*_

_He was back on the field of battle, consumed by bloodlust. He’d started out fighting for the right reasons, he thought. Thor was sure he’d started out with pure intentions. At least, he hoped he had. He could never be sure. His memory of that last battle was hazy sometimes. However, when things started going poorly, when they started losing ground, rage had overtaken him._

_And Thor had willingly given into it._

_His weapon was covered in blood, as were his hands. It was mostly the oily blood of Thanos’ evil creatures, but Thor saw splashes of red on the deadly blade as well. Did some of Thanos’ followers bleed red? Or was it too difficult to distinguish friend from foe? Was that innocent blood staining Stormbreaker? Thor could never be sure._

_He took great pleasure in cutting down the evil creatures, who had slaughtered his people. His own brother. This was retribution and Thor was merciless. These creatures would not hurt any more of the people who he cared about._

_“Are you enjoying yourself, Aesir?”_

_Thor cringed at Thanos’ cruel voice and spun around, his teeth grit. The titan watched him with an easy grin. Thor swung his weapon cutting down another enemy (was it an enemy? It was difficult to tell)._

_“What would your friends think if they could see you now?” Thanos continued as he approached and swung his heavy blade at Thor, who deflected it with Stormbreaker. Sparks flew as the blades clashed again and again._

_“What about your parents?” Thanos asked as he easily batted away another one of Thor’s strikes. No matter what Thor did, it wasn’t enough. He roared as he swung at the towering figure._

_“How about your poor brother, who foolishly gave his life for you?” Thanos asked and his hand shot out, wrapping around Thor’s throat. He yanked Stormbreaker from his grasp and tossed it away somewhere. Thor snarled and struggled, fighting to break free._

_“The fool believed you a hero right up until I crushed the life out of him,” Thanos taunted. “He didn’t see what you truly are.”_

_The titan threw him mercilessly to the ground. All the breath rushed out of Thor’s body. Thor rolled onto his side, prepared to get to his feet when he felt Thanos’ heavy boot stomp on his back, pinning him to the ground._

_“Behold your massacre, Odinson,” Thanos bellowed as he pulled Thor’s head up, forcing the god of thunder to witness the horror in front of him._

_Thor saw bodies, both Thanos’ followers and his own allies, stretched out before him. All had been cut down by the mighty Stormbreaker. Red and oily blood mingled together, soaking the dirt beneath them. Thor’s scream of horror was lost in the pandemonium of battle._

“Thor?”

_“You see, Odinson, you are just another one of my monsters, my children,” Thanos told him, letting go of his head. Thor could only stare at the horror before him. The horror that he caused. Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe._

“Thor, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up.”

_Out of the corner of his eye, Thor saw a flash of pale. He turned his head and saw his brother standing at the edge of the numerous bodies, staring in disbelief at the slaughter. His mouth dropped partly open and he turned to look at Thor. “I’m sorry,” Thor thought, unable to say anything. He felt like he would be sick. Loki swallowed and Thor felt his heart break when he saw fear in his brother’s eyes._

_Loki was afraid of him._

_Suddenly, intense pain overwhelmed him. Thor looked down at his hands and saw they were changing, morphing into something grotesque. Chitauri claws. Evil gray sinews burst out of his arms and Thor opened his mouth to scream as his entire body started to transform. He was a monster._

Thor’s eye snapped open and he saw his brother laying across from him. Loki drew his arm back, having succeeded in shaking his brother awake. Thor swallowed and looked away, sniffling. He could feel tears spilling down his cheeks and the god of thunder felt ashamed. He was ashamed of the state he was in and even more ashamed that his brother had to see him like this. Thor was afraid and he hated feeling afraid.

Loki was silent and Thor couldn’t bring himself to look at his brother. _Perhaps I should be the one to leave. When I am able to remain awake long enough,_ Thor thought as he tried to think where he would go. His entire body was shaking, and his heart was hammering in his chest.

“Thor, come here.”

Thor glanced over at his brother, frowning suspiciously when he saw Loki holding his arm up. _The last time he tricked me into thinking he wanted a hug, I got stabbed,_ Thor remembered as he looked to his brother. Loki looked tired, his eyes half-lidded, but he didn’t lower his arm.

The god of thunder cautiously inched closer to his brother. He rested his head on Loki’s shoulder and Loki wrapped his arms around him, holding his brother close. Thor was surprised to find he felt a little better. Even more surprising, he actually felt…safe. The tremors wracking his body were gradually subsiding and his heart was starting to slow to a normal beat.

A sudden vivid memory of holding Loki’s lifeless body on that ship made Thor tightly grab ahold of his brother’s nightshirt before he could stop himself, a soft whimper escaping his lips. Why? Why could he not just leave those horrible memories in the past?

Loki started running the fingers of one hand through Thor’s short hair, soothing him, and he brushed his lips against Thor’s brow.

“I’m here,” Loki whispered. “I’m here.”

And Thor heard the words hidden in that phrase: _I’m not going anywhere. I promise._

Thor closed his eye, still holding tightly to his brother. He found he wasn’t as afraid to face whatever horrors awaited him in his sleep, for he had Loki there. Whatever nightmares awaited him, Loki would still be there when he awoke. He wasn’t sure for how long, but for the moment, Thor knew he wasn’t alone.

Thor fell asleep, curled up against his brother. For the first time since returning, his sleep was peaceful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucky for readers, there are no cliffhangers in this fic. However, there's a metric ton of angst and feels. So, bit of a trade off.
> 
> Obviously, this particular chapter is Thor's perspective of the events during my fic, "Saving Thunder"
> 
> I forgot to mention in the previous author's note: **this fic deals with the same heavy subject matter as "Rainstorms and Sunshine": suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and PTSD. If you're sensitive to such topics, I highly recommend proceeding with caution. Chapters get a whole lot darker until the last one.**
> 
> Anyhow, next chapter Thor is a bit more awake, but things don't get any easier.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are welcomed and appreciated. I always love chatting with you lot (it's frequently the highlight of my week) :)
> 
> See everyone Monday <3


	3. Chapter 3

** III. Panic **

The god of thunder was certain the exhaustion was the last ordeal he’d have to endure. Thor told himself he just had to get through it and then things would finally return to normal. The exhaustion slowly started to subside, and Thor found he had more energy to do things. He was finally able to stay awake for more than an hour or two every day.

Thor was barely afforded a moment to enjoy it before the panic episodes started.

He never knew what triggered the first episode. It seemed to hit him out of nowhere. Earlier in the day, he and Loki had been discussing Thor gradually taking over the role of leader of the Aesir. He would follow Loki around until he felt confident enough to take on the position full time. Though nervous, Thor was also excited to take up the responsibility of leading his people again. It was what he had been preparing for his whole life.

Then, just before dinner, Thor stepped into the kitchen, where Loki was setting the table, and suddenly he was overcome with fear. His heart started hammering and he couldn’t breathe. His legs gave out and he crashed to the floor.

“Thor!”

He was barely aware of Loki’s voice or the way the trickster narrowly caught him, easing him to the ground.

“Thor, brother, what’s wrong?” Loki asked and the anxiety in his voice made the fear Thor was experiencing even more intense. If Loki was scared…the last time Thor had seen his brother genuinely afraid had been that day, that horrible day…

_The smell of ash and death filled Thor’s nose._

“Brother, speak to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

_He could hear the screech of metal being ripped apart, but he no longer cared. He could feel Loki’s lifeless body in his arms. All was lost._

“I’m not a bloody telepath, Thor! I can’t help you if you do not tell me what’s wrong!”

He was dying. He was going to die. And in his last moments, all he was going to see and sense was Thanos massacring his people, murdering his brother. The mad titan was truly going to have the last laugh even from beyond the grave.

“Yes, hello? I need a healer right now. Something’s wrong with my brother. Please, hurry.”

Loki’s voice sounded so far away and Thor was barely aware of the cool hand on the side of his face. His entire world was nothing but fear and death and pain.

“I don’t know what’s wrong! That’s why I’m calling you! He’s not speaking and he’s not responding to any of my questions! He’s having trouble breathing! I don’t know how aware he is! He needs help!”

_Thor watched as his friends slowly dissolved into ash, death surrounded him. He remembered looking to the Captain, storming past him, angry that he had been unable to avenge his brother. He should have been thinking of the other casualties, the heroes he had fought besides, the ones who had fallen. The innocent people who had been snapped out of existence. But Thor could only feel rage at having been denied Thanos’ death. It was something he intended to remedy as soon as possible. He didn’t care about any of the fallen, only that the titan still lived. The god of thunder hadn’t been a hero in that moment._

_He had been everything he fought against. He was a monster._

“I do not know if you can hear me, Thor, but try to breathe. Help will be here soon. You just need to keep breathing,” Loki’s voice sounded strangely calm and anxious at the same time. Had he been a little more lucid, Thor would have marveled at how his brother was the only one he knew who could be in two seemingly contradictory states at the same time.

He suddenly felt himself being maneuvered into a sitting position, so that he slumped against someone…Loki, he was leaning against Loki. Thor recognized his brother’s cooler temperature. He felt Loki’s hand gently rest on the side of his head, holding him close, occasionally stroking his hair. Thor could feel tears rushing down his face and he wheezed as he attempted to breathe. He’d never experienced such a state before and his inexperience added to his fear. Thor had no idea what was happening or why. Or if it would ever stop.

“I experienced something like this once, a very long time ago,” Loki’s soft calm voice traveled down to his ears. “Not quite so severe, I was still able to communicate. It was while I was posing as Odin. I was walking down the halls of the palace, on my way to do something boring related to ruling, and suddenly I was overtaken with an indescribable fear.”

Thor continued to wheeze, unable to do anything else. His entire body was shaking violently. But he continued to listen to Loki speak.

“I stood out on a balcony, breathing in the fresh air, waiting for the fear to pass,” Loki continued, his voice wobbling a little. “I never…I don’t know exactly what caused it. I wish I did. But perhaps the healers will be able to figure it out. You’re going to be okay, Thor. Because you can’t leave again. You’re not allowed to leave, do you hear me?”

Eventually, Thor heard a knock on their front door and Loki gently laid him back on the floor, dashing down the front hall to answer it. Thor could only lay on the ground, gasping and wheezing for breath, fear consuming him.

_*_

“I have given him a mild sedative. He’ll be groggy when he wakes up. He might sleep for the rest of the night. I’m afraid there’s not much else I can do.”

He recognized Eir’s voice as he started waking up, but Thor kept his eye closed. He didn’t want to wake up. Waking would mean facing the ancient healer, someone who Thor had always respected. Thor was embarrassed that she had seen him in such a state. The Aesir were strong, they were gods. They protected planets with less advancements, like Midgard. Thor was supposed to be protecting the people of this world, their new home. He wasn’t supposed to be cowering and weak.

“Thank you, Eir,” he heard Loki’s tired voice respond.

“If it should happen again, call me,” the healer said. “I know it’s difficult, but try not to worry. Not many have come back from death before. Your brother is still healing. There are bound to be setbacks, but Thor is strong. He’ll get through it.”

 _No, I’m not. And I don’t think I will,_ Thor thought sadly. Despair was starting to overtake him and he struggled not to cry.

“I know he will. He's annoyingly resilient,” Loki replied confidently. “He’s Thor.”

Thor listened as they exchanged a few polite words of parting and then heard the door close, followed by Loki twisting the lock. He opened his eye and watched as Loki moved down the hall toward the kitchen.

“Shortly before that last battle, the man of iron reminded us that we were in what he called the endgame,” Thor said and Loki stopped. “I believe he was speaking about the end of the war, but now I understand it was more than that.”

Loki twisted to look at him and Thor pushed himself up into a seated position. There was a tightness in his chest and he still felt unsteady. Loki sauntered over to the couch and flopped down next to Thor. The god of thunder couldn’t help but notice how tired his brother looked. _Because of me,_ Thor thought, a feeling of guilt gnawing at the inside of his guts.

“Dare I ask what you think his words meant?” Loki asked, his green eyes wandering over to Thor. The blond god shook his head and leaned back.

“I do not think I’m worthy of the title I have held for most of my life anymore. I am not the god of thunder,” Thor told him, swiping at his eye. “I died in that battle and they may have returned life to my body, but I’m no longer who I once was. I do not know who or what I am. My life as I knew it ended in that war.”

Loki sighed. “You’re the same Thor you’ve always been, brother. The same one I fear you always will be.”

Thor tapped his fingertips together. “Something is wrong with me. Something is broken deep inside and I fear it cannot be fixed. I do not wish to live like that.”

“Nothing is unfixable. I would have thought you’d know that by now.”

“Loki, I might not get better and I will not ask you to take up the burden of caring for me if that is what comes to pass,” Thor said, frustration creeping up on him.

“You’re not asking,” Loki argued, sounding just as frustrated. “Do not make decisions for me. You know how much I hate that.”

Thor ran his hands through his short hair, wishing Loki would be reasonable for once in his life. He pushed himself up, wobbling a little as he got to his feet.

“You’re the most brilliant person I know, Loki. Perhaps the most brilliant there is,” Thor said, glancing at his brother. “But there are some problems even you cannot solve.”

Loki furrowed his brow as he studied his brother. Thor offered him a soft smile and started moving toward the bedroom. Truthfully, he was terrified. He was falling apart, and he was unable to stop it. The mad titan had broken him, killed him, defeated him. Now Thor was slowly succumbing to a strange illness that his people had never encountered before, one that caused unreasonable fear. _I wish they would have left me dead,_ Thor thought, a tear sliding down his cheek.

“Then we shall figure it out together.”

Thor turned back to face his brother, unsure if he had heard him correctly. Loki was still sitting on the couch, the very portrait of relaxed. There was a look of determination on his face as he met Thor’s gaze.

“If this is something I can’t figure out on my own, then it is one we must figure out together,” Loki stated. He rose to his feet and approached Thor, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I believe we have both been left with scars from Thanos and the war against him, perhaps more than we’re willing to admit to,” Loki started carefully, his eyes wandering over Thor’s shoulder briefly. Loki never did enjoy extended periods of eye contact.

At the mention of Thanos, Thor felt his legs wobble even more and probably would have fallen had it not been for Loki reaching out and grabbing his elbow, holding onto him until he found his balance again.

“I propose we swear an oath to each other,” Loki continued. “No matter what, we don’t allow the mad titan a victory, not even from beyond the grave. We help each other heal from whatever scars remain, no matter how long it takes or how difficult it is. We take care of each other, just as Mother always hoped we would.”

The god of thunder stared at his brother, unsure if he was hearing things. “You’ve never been one for oaths, particularly not ones like that.”

Loki chuckled softly and shrugged. “I enjoy doing the unexpected and I am willing to try new things every now and again, even pointless acts like oaths.”

Thor snorted and looked down at his feet briefly, his legs still shaking. “All right, brother. I can agree to such an oath.”

He glanced at Loki again and the trickster smiled at him. Thor then made his way into their bedroom. He climbed into his own bed, which had only just arrived a few days earlier. Thor hadn’t spent the entire night in it. His vivid nightmares of the horrors he had witnessed, horrors he still feared would greet him upon awakening, drove him to seek out the comfort of his brother every single night. Thor also hated the wrought iron bedframe. The metal was cold and it felt uncomfortably like the walls of the ship. The few times Thor had brushed against it in his sleep, he had woken in a blind panic.

The god of thunder still frequently woke Loki before he could even think of doing anything else and Thor worried that the constantly interrupted sleep would be the final straw that drove Loki away. Yet strangely enough, Loki was never bothered. He allowed Thor to climb under the covers, held him close, and lulled him back to sleep with a story.

 _My brother is acting very odd. Odd even for Loki,_ Thor thought as he climbed into his bed and nestled down under the covers. He didn’t fall asleep until he heard his brother’s soft familiar footsteps enter and climb into his bed on the opposite side of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing that I really love exploring is how cultures deal with issues they don't have terms for. Thor and Loki have lived in Aesir culture their whole lives. In my AU, the Aesir didn't acknowledge mental illness and so didn't have the terminology for it. One thing that I think is really tripping Thor and Loki up is that they don't know what "anxiety" or "PTSD" or even "panic attack" means (they may have heard the terms in passing, but neither really had any reason to dig further into them).
> 
> Loki's love of research and figuring things out is incredibly beneficial to them in this situation.
> 
> As always, comments are welcomed and encouraged. I always love chatting with you lot.
> 
> Next chapter goes up Wednesday.
> 
> See everyone then :)


	4. Chapter 4

** IV. Sickness **

After the first severe panic episode, they became insidiously mild. It began as a tightening in Thor’s chest whenever he left the house. For a while, he was able to ignore it and the Odinsons were lulled into a false sense of security. Thor actually believed the one attack he’d experienced had been a fluke.

After he was declared physically healthy by the healers, Thor began to accompany his brother to the town hall so he could learn the ways of the new home of the Aesir. The first time he set foot in the town hall, it felt like someone was squeezing his throat. Thor ignored it, even as his heart began to pound faster. Throughout the day, the sensation became worse, but Thor pushed it to the back of his mind. He had a duty to his people.

“Thor?”

Thor started, glancing over to Loki. The trickster was watching him, concern clearly read on his face. The god of thunder cleared his throat, holding his shaking hands beneath the desk he was sitting at.

“I’m sorry, brother. I was lost in my thoughts,” Thor muttered. He looked up at Loki apologetically. Loki’s brow furrowed.

“What was the last thing I said?” Loki asked. Thor frowned and tried to remember.

“Was it something about tariffs on imports?” he guessed. Loki sighed and massaged his brow.

“That was forty minutes ago,” he replied. “The last thing I was telling you was about a proposal to allocate funds for education.”

“Oh,” Thor replied. Suddenly, his throat felt very tight and another strong tremor went through his hands.

“I’m sorry, brother. I will pay closer attention,” Thor promised. “When will we meet with the advisors?”

“Tomorrow,” Loki replied. “And we should plan for some kind of ceremony, to recognize you officially accepting the role of leader of the Aesir. I imagine there should be a celebration of—”

“No!” Thor said, sharper and louder than he intended. Loki jumped, startled. He stared at his brother, curious. Thor sank back in his seat and shook his head.

“I do not want any kind of ceremony or celebration,” he said. Loki tilted his head.

“The Aesir like pomp and circumstance. The people wish to celebrate your return and how else will they know you are now taking up the role of leader again.”

_There is nothing to celebrate. I failed. I won’t celebrate or glorify slaughter and death,_ Thor thought.

“Just make some kind of official proclamation and post it somewhere,” Thor grumbled sullenly. Loki raised an eyebrow.

“You wish to observe such an event…with a flyer?” he said as if he couldn’t believe his ears. Thor glared at him.

“It is not something to be celebrated and yes, that is what I want,” he replied. Loki sighed and shook his head.

“Very well, I shall contact the printers and have them write something up,” he said as he took out his phone. Thor flipped through a packet that Loki had put together for him, a report of the week. He had read through a great deal of it, but there was so much information contained within it and Thor felt somewhat overwhelmed.

“What’s this?” Thor asked, and Loki looked up from his phone. “Why did you not bring this to my attention?”

Loki glanced at what he was asking about. “Oh that. Yes, there have been a few cases of an illness among the citizens, some kind of virus. I do not think it’s anything to be particularly concerned about, but we should keep an eye on it just in case.”

“This could be a plague!” Thor snapped. Loki stared at him.

“Thor. It’s not a plague.”

“How do you know!? Did you become a healer while I was away? It says here there have already been deaths!”

“Brother, not enough people are afflicted for it to be considered a plague. Only two people have succumbed to the illness. They were both elderly and already in poor health. The other six who have experienced symptoms are responding well to treatments—”

“That could change!”

“Which is why we have informed the citizens of the illness and laid out precautions to take. I have instructed the healers to inform us of any cases that come in and we have allies with knowledge of Midgardian medicine who we can reach out to,” Loki countered. “What is the matter, Thor? Why are you getting so worked up about this?”

Thor opened his mouth to respond, but closed it again when he realized he really didn’t know why this illness concerned him so. Truthfully, it seemed as though Loki had taken all the proper precautions. Shaking his head, Thor put the packet back on his desk.

“You’re right, brother. I apologize,” Thor said, smiling at Loki. The trickster still looked concerned. Glancing over to the clock, Loki straightened up.

“Why don’t we call it a day?” he suggested. “We can stop for dinner on the way home.”

Thor let out a breath of relief and nodded. The tightness in his chest hadn’t abated and Thor felt completely on edge. There was something threatening his home. They had to stop it. He could not fail his people again.

_*_

A week went by and the illness continued to spread, which fed into Thor’s own panic. How many more people was he going to lose? It seemed as though he only brought death to the Aesir.

For a short time, Loki’s presence and reassurance kept his thoughts from spiraling. Then Thor started noticing his brother showing symptoms. And one terrible night, Loki collapsed after coughing up blood. Momentarily forgetting his nervousness about leaving the house, Thor grabbed his brother and started making his way to the hospital.

“You are making a fuss over nothing.”

Thor glared at his brother, even as he continued dragging the barely conscious trickster down the road to the hospital. Loki was pale and sweating, his cheeks flush with fever, and a horrific hacking cough was torn out of his throat regularly.

“Loki, I swear to the gods, if you say you’re fine,” Thor grumbled. Loki staggered and Thor gripped him even tighter. He was stricken with another fit of hacking coughs, which sounded like it made it difficult for him to breathe. Thor could see flecks of blood appear on the trickster’s lips and his heart pounded even faster.

“Hey, Loki, hey, talk to me,” Thor told him when Loki slumped in his grasp. “Brother, tell me how many are afflicted.”

Loki swallowed, drawing in breath as though it took great effort. “Eighty…eighty-seven by last count. Most citizens are showing symptoms, but only about twenty require hospitalization.”

“Good, that’s good,” Thor encouraged, struggling to hide his fear. Back when he had first realized Loki was ill and resolved to bring him to the hospital, Thor started feeling panic creeping up on him. His heart was pounding, breathing was difficult, and the increasing tightness in his chest would soon become unbearable.

He was likely going to experience another episode, but he was determined to get his brother to the hospital first. Thor could hold off the panic long enough to get Loki help.

“Our allies are helping,” Loki continued reporting. “The man hiding the monster has been aiding our healers at the hospital.”

“Banner?” Thor asked, desperate to keep his brother awake and talking.

“Oh, is that his name?” Loki quipped, nodding and grimacing in pain. “He’s proved relatively useful.”

Another breath rattled in his chest and Thor looked over at him, noticing how he was hanging his head. The only reason why Loki was still standing was because Thor was aiding him.

“Stay with me, brother,” Thor encouraged. Loki grunted in response.

“You’re shaking,” Loki mumbled. He weakly lifted his head and looked over at his brother.

“No, I’m not,” Thor said stubbornly. He felt a brief flicker of hope when he saw the hospital up ahead. It was immediately replaced by terror when Loki suddenly pitched forward.

“Loki! Loki, no!” Thor cried. _Don’t leave. Please don’t leave._

He immediately lifted his brother into his arms, stumbling a little. He’d forgotten he wasn’t as strong as he’d once been. It felt like his heart was about to explode out of his chest with how hard it was pounding and that uncomfortable vice had clamped around his lungs.

Thor dashed the rest of the way to the hospital and kicked open the door, knocking it off its hinges.

“HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!” he screamed. His voice was so loud it practically shook the enormous building. As he dashed through the halls, Thor could see all the sick citizens lining the halls. Pale young children lay in their parents’ arms. Adult Aesir were hacking into handkerchiefs, some of them dotted with blood. Thor continued searching frantically for a healer.

_Everywhere he looked there was death and destruction. He’d been unable to protect his people from the titan’s slaughter, unable to protect…_

The god of thunder skidded to a stop when he noticed men in white coats and face masks. Instantly alarms went off in his mind and suddenly, he was back in that dark room. With the men who kept hurting him. He had been at his most vulnerable and they continued inflicting pain upon him. Shaking his head, Thor noticed the strangers approaching him, reaching for his unconscious brother. He was overcome with a single urge: protect Loki.

“We’ll take care of—” one man started as he reached for Loki. _He’s going to take my brother to a shadowy room and harm him. They want to take Loki away and torture him. No!_

“Don’t touch him!” Thor bellowed and kicked the stranger as hard as he could, easily knocking him to the ground. He heard all the air rush out of the man’s body, and he curled in on himself, groaning. The second man had been startled by the violent reaction of the god of thunder. Thor took advantage of his hesitation and slammed into him with his shoulder, knocking him against a wall so hard he cracked it. Bits of plaster sprinkled on the strange man’s head as he slumped to the ground.

Thor turned and ran back down the hall, searching for a familiar face. He was all too aware of how warm Loki was. A high fever was concerning in the Aesir, but could be fatal for a Jotun.

Thor saw more suited men with face masks come out and he nearly fell as he stopped short. They were all reaching for him and Thor was panicking. He couldn’t fight them all! They were going to hurt him and Loki. Thor stumbled back so his back was against a solid wall, his chest heaving as he tried to breathe. He tried to call upon his lightning, but he kept noticing more strangers in white coats and masks covering the bottom half of their faces. They were surrounded.

Thor held Loki close and tried to curl over him as much as he could. He was barely able to breathe, but Thor didn’t care. He had to keep Loki out of the grasp of these cruel men. They would have to kill him first. He would die to protect his brother and prepared himself to do so.

“Thor? Hey buddy, you all right?”

Thor let out a sob of relief when he heard the voice of a friend. Turning his attention to it, he saw Banner standing a short way down the hall with Eir standing just behind him. There were a couple Aesir healers helping the men Thor had first encountered. Banner pulled down his own face mask and approached.

“Hey guys, give him some space, okay?” Banner said as he and Eir quickly moved to the god of thunder’s side. The strangers with the face masks moved away from Thor, separating to care for the numerous other patients. Thor was finally able to breathe again, though adrenaline was still pulsing through his system.

“Oh Norns, Loki,” Eir muttered, nodding to a nearby room. “Here, bring him in here.”

Thor was panting and it felt like his heart was about to explode, but he swiftly did as Eir said. He trusted her with his life and more importantly, with Loki’s. Eir gestured to the empty bed in the mercifully quiet room and Thor moved over to it, gently laying Loki down. The trickster grimaced and coughed softly.

“Thor?” he mumbled, his eyes remaining closed. Thor took a few steps back, unable to respond. Seeing Loki so weak, it petrified Thor. The god of thunder watched as Banner put a strange rubber mask over Loki’s mouth and nose, which seemed to ease his breathing a little. Loki’s eyes were fluttering as he slowly started waking up.

Suddenly, the overwhelming urge to flee invaded Thor’s mind. He couldn’t watch his brother die again, he couldn’t. Thor turned to run from the room only to find the door blocked as a few nurses came in and all but cornered him. Suddenly the quiet of the room was broken as everyone seemed to talk at once.

“His fever is really high,” Banner mentioned to Eir. The healer nodded in response.

“Mr. Odinson, we need some information to help treat your brother.”

“What symptoms has he shown?”

Thor furrowed his brow even as he pressed his back against the wall. “Um, Loki has been coughing a lot lately. He’s sweating and pale. I noticed he has seemed rather tired of late, but I thought perhaps that was because I have been having difficulty sleeping.”

_Were those all his symptoms? It doesn’t like enough. I missed something._

_I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here._

“How long has he been having symptoms?”

“I-I don’t know. At least a week, though perhaps longer. He indicated he might have been feeling poorly for longer.”

“Has he experienced any nausea or vomiting? Difficulty breathing?” the second nurse asked almost before he finished answering.

“I-I-I don’t know. I don’t think so. But he hasn’t been eating much.”

“So, his appetite isn’t what it normally is? Did you notice when that started?”

_If he didn’t answer all of these questions correctly and accurately Loki was going to die. His brother was dying and Thor was killing him. He needed to answer these correctly, but he didn’t know!_

“His vitals are normal. Pupil reaction is normal. Loki, can you hear me?”

“We need to bring that fever down. Have them prepare an ice bath and put some cooling packs on him in the meantime.”

There was an odd cracking sound that made Thor gasp and he turned his eyes back to where his brother was being cared for. They were putting strange blue packs on him.

“Mr. Odinson, are you all right? You look pale and your breathing is rapid.”

Thor looked down when he suddenly felt pressure on his wrist, noticing the nurse was taking his pulse. _What the Hel are they doing? Go help my brother!_

“Pulse is 150 beats per minute and climbing.”

“Have you been having symptoms, sir?”

“No, I—”

“Perhaps you should sit down. Dr. Banner, he may have—”

Thor didn’t hear anything further as he collapsed to his knees, his legs no longer supporting him. He felt dizzy and lightheaded. He gulped in air, but it felt like none reached his lungs. His heart was now hammering so fast that Thor was certain he was about to die in that room. _If I must die here, please spare Loki. Take my life for his,_ Thor prayed as he closed his eye and waited for it to end. He could hear voices, loud voices, all around him, some speaking to him and some speaking to the others in the room.

“Stop.”

Thor’s eye snapped open when he heard a weak rasping voice. Almost instantly, all the voices went silent.

“He’s not sick. My brother is feeling overwhelmed and you’re making it worse. Give him some air,” Loki’s voice wasn’t as powerful as it normally was, but it still held a hint of authority. “Thor, come here.”

Thor looked at the people surrounding him, most of whom had stepped back. A couple were holding their throats, shocked. They tried to talk, but no sound came out.

There were still so many, still encircling him. He couldn’t get out. He couldn’t…

“Do not look at them, brother. Look at me.”

Thor swallowed and turned his attention to the hospital bed. Loki was propped up in the bed, which Banner had adjusted so he was sitting up. He looked terrible, even paler than he had been. That simple spell had obviously drained even more of his dwindling strength.

Loki pulled the oxygen mask off his face, concern coloring his expression.

“Loki, you need to keep that on,” Banner protested.

“You can put your primitive contraption back on in a moment. Allow me to speak with my brother,” Loki snapped at him. He turned his attention back to Thor and his expression softened.

“Come on, Thor. Come here,” Loki urged. Thor swallowed and rose to his feet, his legs shaking to the point where he wasn’t sure if he would be able to make it to the bed. He stumbled over to Loki’s bedside.

“There we go,” Loki said with a faint grin as he offered his hand, which Thor immediately held. Tears flowed down Thor’s face when he saw how sick Loki appeared. His hair was slick with sweat. He was pale as a ghost and his breathing was labored. _He’s going to leave. He’s going to be taken away._

“Don’t be scared, Thor,” Loki told him. “It’s going to be all right.”

Choking on a sob, Thor collapsed on his brother’s chest, unable to contain his weeping. He was so scared, but he could never admit it. Loki’s arms wrapped around him and the trickster gently shushed the god of thunder.

“Don’t do this to me again, Loki,” Thor sobbed. “Please don’t die.”

“I’ll try my best not to,” Loki promised, stroking Thor’s hair. “But if the worst should happen—”

“No,” Thor cried, shaking his head. He felt like a child, begging Loki to stay when his brother had no control over whether or not he did.

“Thor,” Loki spoke his name gently. “If the worst should happen, Brunnhilde shall be able to help you learn about New Asgard so you can eventually take over leadership of the country. All right? She knows almost as much as I.”

Thor shook his head. “I won’t lead without you.”

Loki sighed quietly, which turned into a coughing fit. Thor clung tighter to his brother as he continued hacking and wheezing, as though he could protect him from the illness that threatened him. He was weak and so wrapped up in his own turmoil that he’d missed the signs his brother was sick. Thor could have gotten Loki aid sooner. He could have insisted his brother see the healers earlier. But Thor was too cowardly to face reality. Now he might lose his brother because of it.

“Brother, I love you, but you are so infuriatingly pigheaded at times,” Loki whispered breathlessly as he slumped back. Thor sniffled, unable to stop his tears from falling.

“You swore an oath, Loki,” Thor insisted. “We help each other heal, just like mother would have wanted.”

“I know, Thor, and I intend to hold to it,” Loki replied. Thor continued crying. Loki felt so warm, so unnaturally warm, and the god of thunder was terrified. His brother was sick and there was nothing Thor could do to help him.

Loki allowed him to continue crying on his chest, comforting him as best he could.

“You are a good man, Thor. You are going to make a fine leader,” Loki said softly. Thor looked him in the eye, holding his hand tightly.

“Don’t go. Please don’t leave,” he spoke the fear that had been dogging him ever since he’d returned to New Asgard. He no longer cared about his pride or honor. He didn’t want to lose his brother again.

Loki’s tired eyes widened for a split second and he tilted his head slightly. A hint of understanding crossed his face and Thor knew his brother had figured out what he feared more than anything. Loki opened his mouth to speak further when an alarm on one of the machines he was hooked up to started making a shrill noise, which startled both the Odinsons.

“Loki, we need to cool you down right now,” Eir said firmly. “Your temperature is getting dangerously high.”

Loki slumped back, nodding over to Thor. “Allow him to accompany us.”

Eir looked over at Banner, who shrugged. “I don’t see a problem with that.”

Thor let out a breath of relief and walked beside his brother’s stretcher as they wheeled Loki out into the hall, heading for the icing room.

_*_

Loki was groggy and drifting in and out of consciousness on the way to the ice room. But he always reacted to his brother’s voice, awakening and becoming a little more alert whenever Thor called his name. After a little more than five minutes in the ice, Loki slumped to the side and his eyes slipped shut.

“Loki?” Thor cried, grabbing his brother’s shoulders and giving him a shake. “Loki!?”

But Loki didn’t respond. Before Thor could start yelling for help, he heard a soft cough behind him.

“Don’t worry, Thor. That’s to be expected.”

Thor whipped around and saw Banner standing a few feet away. He offered the god of thunder a reassuring smile as moved closer to Thor, pulling up a chair to sit beside him. Normally, his friend’s presence would be comforting, but Banner only heightened Thor’s fear.

“He’s going to die, isn’t he? That’s what you’re here to tell me? That you can’t save him?” Thor said, his breath coming in short gasps. “I didn’t get him help soon enough. I didn’t, I didn’t—”

Banner reached out and put a hand on Thor’s knee. “Thor, that’s not what I meant. When I said that’s to be expected, I meant Loki falling asleep.”

Thor looked over at him, desperate for some hope but fearful of it as well.

“This is a nasty virus and it takes a lot out of patients,” Banner explained calmly. “Loki’s going to be asleep most of the time, so his body can focus on fighting off the virus.”

“Will he wake up again?” Thor asked anxiously. “Will he live?”

“His odds are really good. Loki is young, strong, and healthy,” Banner replied. “There’s always a risk, but it’s low. We’re going to take good care of him, Thor. I promise.”

“You know, he has faked his death numerous times. I don’t know if he has incurred any lasting damage from the injuries he’s taken while doing so,” Thor told his friend, feeling anxiety creep over him again. “I think Thanos hurt him very badly on the ship. He might have some weakness that I don’t know about. Perhaps that’s why he’s struggling to breathe.”

Thor suddenly started to feel lightheaded and realized he was panting again.

“Hey, Thor? Take a deep breath. Loki’s not struggling to breathe. According to the scans, there was a little fluid in his lungs, but not a dangerous amount. The oxygen mask merely eases his breathing. He’s not going to need it for very long,” Banner told him. “I’ve looked over Loki’s records and I’ve examined him. There’s nothing that will interfere with treating this virus or lower his chances of recovery. I know you’re anxious right now—”

“I can’t lose him, Banner,” Thor told him. “I just got him back.”

“I know, Thor. Trust me, your brother is going to beat this thing. I’m sure of it.”

Thor turned his attention back to Loki and ran a hand over his brother’s soft hair, wishing that he’d been the one to get sick. He sniffled and brought Loki’s unnaturally warm hand to his brow, pleading to whatever gods would listen not to take the trickster away.

“Thor, do you often experience shortness of breath?” Bruce suddenly asked, Thor looked over at him, furrowing his brow. The doctor looked concerned.

“I’m not ill,” Thor replied. Banner shook his head.

“No, I know. That’s not what I’m asking about. I think…it looked like you might have been having a panic attack earlier and I wondered—”

“A what?”

“A panic attack,” Banner said, looking over at Thor. “Do the Aesir call them something different?”

“Are you speaking of panic? We know of the fleeting state of fear sometimes experienced in dangerous situations, but such feelings are easily conquered with proper training, as Loki and I have both had.”

Banner was staring at him very strangely. After a moment, he scratched the back of his head.

“Um, well, here on Midgard, we have a condition called PTSD and its symptoms can manifest in a variety of ways. One way is panic attacks, which can be very sudden and causes a racing heartrate, shortness of breath, and a feeling of intense fear. Such attacks can be triggered by flashbacks to traumatic experiences.”

Thor frowned. “And you suspect I had one of these panic attacks?”

“Eir told me about the incident last week and I couldn’t help but notice the way you reacted when you arrived here. You were displaying the classic symptoms of one,” Banner told him. “Psychology isn’t my official field, but I could refer you to someone. There are some really great psychiatrists in Norway, including a few who specialize in treating refugees and veterans.”

“Thank you, Dr. Banner, but I’m afraid such a doctor would be pointless. The Aesir do not share the same afflictions with Midgardians,” Thor said. “Whatever I’m experiencing, I do not think a Midgardian healer would be able to help with.”

_I do not think any healer from any world will be able to help me._

Banner sat back slightly, concern clear on his face. “Thor, will you do me a favor? As a friend?”

Thor nodded, though his attention was fixed on his brother again.

“Will you at least consider speaking to a psychiatrist? We have all been through a lot, but I think you’ve been through even more. I know our race is young compared to the Aesir, but we have made some decent advancements,” Banner said. “Please, buddy? I hate to see you hurting.”

Thor was quiet for a bit, watching Loki’s pale face.

“All right, Banner. I shall think about it,” Thor agreed. Banner patted his shoulder gently.

“Thanks, buddy,” Banner said gratefully. “You know you can call me if you ever need anything, right? Even if it’s just someone to listen?”

Thor nodded, his eyes never moving from his brother. _Please don’t leave, Loki,_ he thought as he gently pressed a kiss to his brother’s hand.

_*_

It had taken over an hour in the ice baths to get Loki’s temperature down. It was still high, but no longer dangerously so. Thor sat beside the ice bath, holding his brother’s hand, the entire time.

When Loki’s temperature stabilized, they moved him to a private room. Thor went with him, unwilling to leave his brother’s side. He could hear the moans of the sick outside the door and his heart was breaking. The god of thunder brought death and destruction to the Aesir. He was unfit to lead.

A short time after they were set up in the new room, Brunnhilde arrived and she provided a welcomed distraction. She told Thor stories of Wakanda and Loki’s bravery, the way he healed after Thor’s loss devastated him. She wove tales late into the night and eventually, they both fell asleep.

It was several days before Loki woke up again. Thor never left his room, scared to leave his brother for even a moment. He barely slept and often felt an uncomfortable tightness in his chest.

Thor awoke one day when he felt a familiar cool hand run through his short hair. Opening his eye and looking to his brother, Thor almost sobbed in relief when he saw Loki looking back at him with a familiar mischievous glint in his bright green eyes. Joy filled his heart and for a moment, Thor forgot about his panic.

_*_

When Loki was finally released from the hospital, Thor dedicated himself to caring for the trickster. Every waking moment was spent taking care of his brother. Thor threw himself into the task, pleased he had something else to focus on aside from his dark memories and thoughts.

Yet every night, he found himself locked in the bathroom or study, hyperventilating or crying silently or more often both. Thor still felt like he was coming apart at the seams, but he refused to let his brother see him struggle. Loki needed to recover and heal. Thor couldn’t burden him with his own ailment.

One afternoon, after making sure Loki was comfortable in a recliner, the god of thunder made his way into the kitchen. He put a kettle on the burners and retrieved Loki’s favorite mug. He next went into the cabinet and retrieved the tea his brother was fond of.

He strode back into the main area and retrieved a blanket from the couch, draping it over Loki and tucking the edges around his brother. Loki grumbled about being fussed over, but was too tired to raise any serious objection.

“Perhaps I should sleep on the couch,” Thor mentioned off-handedly. Loki’s eyes opened and he looked at Thor, suspiciously.

“Is your bed not comfortable?” Loki asked. Thor shrugged.

“It’s comfortable enough, but my sleep is still often troubled. I do not wish to disturb your rest,” Thor told him. Truth be told, he hadn’t been sleeping more than an hour or two a night. He didn’t want to risk waking Loki with his cries or screams. So he remained awake, often sneaking out of the room to sit and read on the floor of the study or in the main area of the house. When Loki was asleep, all Thor could think about was how he was failing in his duty to the Aesir. He was failing them again. The weight of the world was on his shoulders and Thor was crumbling under it.

The tightness in his chest grew more intense. Thor had experienced a major attack every night. Once Loki was asleep, Thor would wind up on the floor somewhere in the house, curled up tightly, feeling like he was going to die.

Loki studied him. “Where _do_ you sleep, brother? I awoke briefly last night, and I couldn’t help but notice you were not in your bed. Nor were you in mine.”

Thor cleared his throat. “I-I was out here, on the couch.”

“You’re lying,” Loki replied calmly.

_Once he’s recovered, Loki will leave, and you alone will be in charge of New Asgard. All those people depending on you and you cannot even care for yourself. He’s going to leave forever. You’ll be alone with failure as your only companion._

Thor’s hands started shaking. He could feel an attack coming on, but he couldn’t have it in front of Loki. The trickster was watching him expectantly and Thor felt his heart start hammering.

He was saved from having to answer by the kettle whistling.

“The tea is ready,” Thor said, his voice strangled.

“Thor—”

Before Loki could continue whatever he was going to say, Thor all but ran into the kitchen, swiftly removing the kettle from the burner. His hands were shaking, and Thor took a step back from the stove, taking a deep breath and counting down from ten. He couldn’t have an episode, not right now, not while his brother was still recovering.

Refocusing on making Loki’s tea, Thor resolved to be more careful about his suggestions. Loki would be able to sense lies. He needed to regain his strength and health, not worry about his brother’s ongoing breakdown.

Thor prepared the tea and brought it out to his brother, thinking about what to make them for lunch.

_*_

In the middle of the night, Thor jerked awake with a scream, fighting invisible monsters from his nightmare. His chest was heaving as he tried to catch his breath and tears streamed down his face. Adrenaline surged through his system and he felt uncomfortably on edge.

“Brother, please come over here,” he heard a soft rasping voice call from across the room. Thor sniffled and threw back the covers, quickly scrubbing away his tears. Once he reached Loki’s bed, he had plastered a small smile on his face.

“Is something wrong, Loki? Do you need anything?”

Loki looked up at him tiredly. “Thor, I know you think I don’t hear you at night, but I do. I have heard you every day and every night, crying or enduring an episode. You suffer needlessly and I wish you would stop. It’s ridiculous and it’s interfering with my own rest.”

Thor hung his head, feeling another tear crawl down his face. “I’m sorry, Loki.”

“I’m not asking for apologies,” Loki told him gently. “Just stay here tonight. Sometimes your sleep is easier when you sleep here.”

Thor sniffled again and pulled back the covers, crawling into his brother’s large bed. Instead of curling up, he inched closer to Loki and wrapped a large arm around the trickster.

“I dreamt of that day on the ship,” Thor told his brother, feeling tears starting to stream down his face again. “And how…”

He couldn’t continue and started crying softly. How he wanted sanctuary from his own mind. Thor was exhausted and wanted to remember better times.

Loki coughed softly, raising a fist to cover his mouth. After a moment, the coughing fit ended and Loki appeared contemplative.

“Your episodes have been more intense of late. At first, I assumed it was due to the outbreak, but the more I think about it, they were starting to become more frequent even before then.”

The dark-haired god rolled onto his side, searching his brother’s face. “Thor, would you like me to remain the leader of New Asgard for a little while longer, so you can spend more time recovering?”

Thor looked to his brother hopefully, tears still streaming down his face. Hope blossomed in his heart, but so did guilt.

“I-I don’t want you to feel obligated or trapped, Loki. It is a generous offer, but I do not wish to burden you further,” Thor told him mournfully.

“You are not burdening me, brother,” Loki reassured him. “A good leader has the wisdom to ask for help. I am fine with acting as the interim leader for a little longer. I would prefer you take the time to heal instead of forcing yourself into a role you do not feel ready for.”

Thor sniffled and looked away. He felt his brother grip his shoulder gently.

“I want you to be well, Thor,” Loki spoke with soft sincerity. “Allow me to remain the leader for a short while longer so you can recover. Please?”

Thor looked over at his brother. After a moment, he nodded once in agreement. Loki seemed relieved and rolled onto his back, closing his eyes.

“Loki?”

“Hmmm?”

“What if I am never able to carry out the responsibilities of leading the Aesir?”

Loki was quiet for a while, long enough that Thor assumed he’d fallen back to sleep.

“You will be. It may take a while, but eventually, you will be able to once again.”

And, despite his doubts, Thor found he believed his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during my one-shot entitled "The Unlikely Guardian"
> 
> This was one of the more difficult chapters to write, just because I had to write Thor in a state of high anxiety for a great deal of it. Also, it was really tricky figuring out how he would react to a concept he's not overly familiar with (as I mentioned before, the Aesir really have no language for mental illness because they simply disregarded and/or ignored it).
> 
> Anyhow, I'm really enjoying reader reactions to this story. You lot are so generous and kind and I appreciate all of you.
> 
> As always, comments are welcomed and appreciated. I love chatting with you lot.
> 
> Next chapter goes up Friday.
> 
> See all of you then :)


	5. Chapter 5

** V. Hobbies **

Thor assumed temporarily giving up the stress of leadership would allow him to heal faster, but soon found he was mistaken. The panic episodes continued to worsen, becoming more and more frequent until Thor was experiencing them daily. They often lasted longer, and Thor found he was unable to leave their house anymore. He couldn’t even step out onto the porch.

Soon, Thor was experiencing multiple episodes a day. If he only had one in a day, the Odinsons saw it as a good day. Such days became less and less common.

Aside from continuing to run New Asgard, which was a full-time job in itself, Loki had taken it upon himself to research what few historical documents had survived Ragnarok. “Someone at some point must have had similar episodes to yours,” Loki insisted. “It’s just a matter of finding such accounts.”

They ate every meal together, which Thor prepared. He found cooking to be somewhat calming. It was familiar and he felt he was serving some purpose when he prepared meals.

Loki’s research started taking up more and more space on the table. As Thor watched his brother pour over numerous papers and books, he started to feel lonely. He missed their conversations. When Loki was researching, the god of thunder was lucky if he could get a grunt of acknowledgment out of the trickster. He tried to inquire about how his research was progressing and was answered with a dismissive wave.

Thor spent most of his time cleaning the small home and rearranging the cabinets so that everything was tidy. And in a sensible location. Loki hadn’t been thrilled with his brother’s chosen activity at first. Then they both noticed he tended to have fewer or less intense panic episodes. After that realization, Loki didn’t comment on Thor moving things around anymore.

One morning, after a particularly harrowing night, Thor woke up on the floor of the main area of their home. His throat ached from screaming and his memory of the night was hazy, which frequently happened after one of his panic episodes. He was wrapped in a warm blanket and his head was on a pillow. Loki was asleep next to him, one arm wrapped around the god of thunder. His head was resting on his other arm.

Thor sighed, guilt washing over him. Loki often remained awake with him when he had an episode or a nightmare and Thor could only imagine how exhausted his brother was. It was rare that he saw Loki sleeping or woke before his brother.

“I’m sorry, brother,” Thor whispered to the sleeping trickster. He carefully maneuvered out from Loki’s arm, placed the blanket on him, and rose to his feet. Walking into the kitchen, Thor started gathering ingredients to make breakfast. He put the kettle on and grabbed a box of tea he knew Loki favored.

As he started making breakfast, Thor thought about what had set off the panic episode the previous night. His hand had brushed against the iron bedframe and something about the sensation had stirred memories of Thanos massacring them on the Statesman. Thor didn’t remember much after that, aside from his brother holding him and whispering comforting words, reassuring Thor they were safe.

Frowning, Thor turned up the heat on the stovetop. Wiping his hands on a towel, the god of thunder wandered over to the still clean counter and pulled open the drawer he knew the writing supplies and paper were in (because he had put them there instead of whatever cupboard Loki haphazardly tossed them into). Grabbing a pencil and a clean sheet of paper, Thor swiftly drew up a list. Once he finished, he smiled as he reviewed it. He had a new project, one that would allow him to focus on something else other than his memories.

As he made breakfast, Thor considered how to ask his brother to get him what he needed. He feared that if he outright asked the trickster, Loki would scoff at the idea. Yet Thor didn’t know how to be anything other than honest and forthright.

He had just about finished breakfast when Loki wandered in, massaging his undoubtedly sore neck and rotating his arm. Thor glanced over at his brother, watching him as he considered what to say. Norns, the trickster looked tired.

“Are you feeling better?” Loki asked as he moved over to the stove and took the whistling kettle off the burner. Switching off the burner, Loki reached up into the cabinet containing the mugs and retrieved two. Opening another cabinet, he retrieved a second box of tea, one that Thor found pleasant, and set about making two mugs.

Thor nodded, watching as the trickster made tea. “I am sorry for disturbing your rest again.”

“You didn’t,” Loki lied as he brought the mugs to the table. Thor followed behind him with the food he’d just made. He portioned it out onto the plates, watching as Loki set the mugs in their respective places. Thor moved over to the cabinet where they kept the teas and retrieved a bottle of fresh honey. Some of the Aesir were dedicated beekeepers and they often gave Brunnhilde large bottles to bring to the Odinsons.

Bringing it back to the table, Thor set it in front of his brother, who spooned some into his tea.

“Loki?”

Loki looked up at him and Thor rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly feeling foolish about the whole thing. _It’s pointless. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea,_ he thought as he considered just forgetting about the whole thing. Yet he wanted to at least try. Loki couldn’t continue to lose sleep because Thor was unable to move past bad memories. The god of thunder had a sneaking suspicion that his brother sometimes went nights without sleep, just to make sure Thor’s was as easy as it could be. No, Thor had to figure out how to sleep through the night.

_If I don’t, Loki will leave. He will leave forever, and I will never see him again._

“There is a lumber yard just outside our borders, is there not?” Thor asked as casually as he could manage.

Loki tilted his head, obviously surprised by the question. “Yes. Why?”

Thor went to the counter, retrieved the list he’d made, and held it out to Loki. “Could you possibly acquire these materials and tools for me? I would do so myself, but, um…”

Thor scratched the back of his head and shifted his weight uncomfortably. Since the outbreak of the virus had passed, Loki and Brunnhilde had been trying desperately to get Thor out of the house. He needed fresh air. Yet Thor found he was unable to do so. He feared that if he left this pleasant little home, the one place where he finally found some small semblance of sanctuary and safety, he might never return.

Aside from that, Thor wasn’t yet ready to let anyone other than Loki and Brunnhilde see him in his current condition. He dearly loved his people, but he couldn’t bear the questions they would undoubtedly want to ask him. He didn’t want to speak of the war or his miraculous return. Thor was not yet ready to speak of the horrors he had witnessed and experienced or his inner turmoil, the dark thoughts that haunted him.

Thankfully, Loki didn’t push the topic. Instead, he took the list and looked over it, frowning.

“What in all the Nine are you going to do with all of this?” he asked, a hint of curiosity in his voice.

Thor rubbed his hands together. “I want to build something.”

Loki looked up from the list, squinting. “Build what exactly?”

Thor felt slightly embarrassed. Loki was going to laugh at his idea. Probably right before telling him no.

“I do not like the iron bedframes. I don’t know how or why, but they’re stirring up bad memories of…of that day,” Thor said, looking down at his feet. “I wish to build new ones out of more natural materials.”

“You’re going to build bedframes. Really?” Loki replied, intrigued. “Do you know how to do that?”

Thor nodded. “When we were in university, I took a number of woodworking classes. It seemed a useful skill to have. It has been quite some time since I have been able to put those skills to use and I would like to do so. If you don’t mind. I could always just build one for myself if you preferred the bedframe you have now.”

“No, no. Far be it from me to stand in the way of your creative endeavors,” Loki said with a shrug. He pulled his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll contact Korg and see if he or Miek are free. I can probably have all this for you by late afternoon.”

Thor grinned as he sat across from his brother and started poking at his food. “Thank you, Loki.”

_*_

“Thor?”

Thor jerked awake, his entire body trembling and he could feel a cold sweat on his brow. His eye darted around the room and he clutched the wrist of the hand that rested gently on his shoulder. Eventually, his eye landed on Loki’s concerned face and Thor felt heat rising in his cheeks. He hated that his brother had to see him like this. It was embarrassing enough to have to live like this.

“Are you all right?” Loki asked and Thor nodded, sniffling. Shortly after breakfast, he’d started feeling tired again, having only gotten a little more than an hour of sleep the night before. The god of thunder had decided to take a nap. Apparently, he’d had a nightmare, judging from Loki’s concerned expression.

“I’m sorry,” Thor mumbled, rubbing his eye. “What time is it?”

“Mid-afternoon,” Loki replied, sitting back. “Korg and Miek just dropped off the items you requested. I put them in the laundry room downstairs. You can use that as a workshop for the time being.”

Thor nodded and pushed himself up into a sitting position. “The stairs are rather narrow. I will have to make sure I can take them apart so I can move them in here.”

“I could find a spell to make it easier to transport if that doesn’t work,” Loki offered. “You can figure it out after you have some lunch.”

“I’m not hungry, Loki,” Thor replied, rubbing his eye. Loki narrowed his eyes at him.

“Thor, you didn’t eat last night and barely touched your breakfast this morning. You can start working on your project after you’ve eaten something.”

Thor snorted. “You sound like a mothering hen.”

Loki rolled his eyes and grumbled something under his breath, rising to his feet. “There is food in the kitchen, as there always is.”

Thor continued chuckling to himself as he threw back the covers, already forgetting about whatever had haunted his sleep.

The dark-haired god was reading at the table when Thor entered. The god of thunder went over to the cabinets and gathered a few ingredients to make himself a sandwich.

“I thought you needed to go over some documents related to trade negotiations today,” Thor mentioned, and Loki nodded.

“I have been,” he said, his eyes not moving from the book. “I am taking a short break to clear my mind.”

“Did you not need to go and meet with the advisors?” Thor asked.

Loki shook his head. “Not today.”

Since Thor’s episodes had started to become more frequent, he noticed Loki was leaving the house less and less. While the god of thunder was concerned about his brother not going out enough, he also felt guilty for being relieved. He didn’t like when Loki left for long stretches of time. There was always the chance he would not come back…

As he made himself lunch, Thor studied his brother, trying to figure out what he was reading. Loki didn’t appear to notice as he turned a page in the book.

“Is that an interesting tale?” Thor finally asked as he continued fixing his sandwich.

“Not really,” Loki replied. “It’s an account of the war against Jotunheim. It’s something I read while in university. New Asgard happened to have a copy in our library, one of the few books our citizens managed to bring with them during Ragnarok.”

Thor grimaced. “Why would you want to read such a thing? Knowing what we know about that time and how inaccurate our accounts are.”

“Because I don’t care about the specifics of the war or the motives behind it. I’m looking for accounts from or of soldiers who experienced wounds after the fighting was over,” Loki replied. Thor looked back to his sandwich, cutting it in half. He moved over to the table and sat down across from Loki, who wrote something down in the small spiral next to him. Thor rubbed his hands together, his heart warming. His brother was still researching in the hopes of helping him.

“Have you found anything?” Thor asked hopefully. Loki sighed and put the book down, rubbing his eyes.

“Nothing yet, I’m afraid,” he responded, glancing over at Thor, who looked down at his food. He was fast losing hope there was any cure to whatever was afflicting him, and it was getting more difficult to endure.

“Patience, brother. Just because I haven’t found an answer yet doesn’t mean there isn’t one,” Loki reassured him as he picked up the book again.

“Have you truly found nothing?”

“Nothing substantial. I have found passing mention of warriors suffering from nerves during battles, but that’s about it,” Loki replied, turning a few pages.

“Did they mention how they helped such warriors?”

Loki made a face and shook his head. “No. The writing is infuriatingly vague.”

“You’re lying,” Thor said softly. “How were such warriors treated, Loki? What did they do?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does.”

“Why?” Loki demanded, frustration bleeding into his suddenly sharp tone. “Why in all the realms does it matter? We’re not beholden to the past. Whatever the Aesir used to do, it’s not what we’re going to do. Or have you decided to go back to the ways of old? Because I am uninterested in living in Asgard of old. You may remember, I did not care for the place.”

_Don’t go. Please don’t go._

Thor shook his head. “My desires for the direction of New Asgard matter not. I have no say in the running of our home. You are in charge.”

“Gods,” Loki muttered, running his hands over his face. “I am the interim leader, Thor. I am merely holding the position until you are ready to lead again. This is not a permanent arrangement and I shall not hold this position for long.”

“You’re leaving?” Thor asked, unable to keep the panic from his voice. His heartrate started quickening and breathing suddenly became difficult. Before it could overwhelm him, Loki swiftly reached across the table and grasped his wrist, squeezing gently.

“No,” Loki assured him. “No, brother, I am not leaving. Breathe.”

Thor closed his eye briefly, putting his other hand over Loki’s, forcing himself to calm down. His thoughts turned to his project and he focused on that instead of the fear of Loki vanishing. After a moment, he felt a little calmer and allowed his eye to open again. He looked over at Loki, who was watching him.

The trickster sat back again, tilting his chair back slightly. Thor picked at his food, thinking about his brother’s reluctance to tell him what they used to do to warriors in the early days of Asgard. The worst sin in Aesir culture was cowardice and from an early age, their battle instructors had taught them that fear was cowardice. Retreat was never an option. They were expected to fight until their last breath.

“Were they executed?” Thor asked and Loki groaned, dropping his face in his hands.

“No, Thor. Even Odin wasn’t that brutal,” Loki replied. “I’m telling you the truth when I say the writing is vague. They do not mention what they did with such warriors, only that most conquered their fear and fought bravely until the end. It’s the same pointless propaganda that is found in almost all our ballads and tales.”

Thor picked at his sandwich, his mind racing. Loki was leaving something out, he was certain of it. Nobody was better at Loki when it came to reading between the lines and figuring out information that most would prefer forgotten.

“But you have a theory, do you not?” Thor asked.

“Don’t ask me that, Thor,” Loki said softly, rubbing his palms together. He was uneasy. Thor could see it in the subtle way he fidgeted and suddenly, the god of thunder was nervous. _He has figured it out, but it’s not an answer he’s willing to accept,_ Thor thought.

“Tell me, Loki,” Thor said, trying not to sound pleading. Loki’s shoulders slumped and he looked over at Thor.

“If I tell you, you must not panic. Whatever I suspect, it’s not a certainty. It’s mere theory, nothing more,” Loki started, nodding to Thor’s food. “And you must eat. Eir mentioned that you looked thinner and I know you haven’t been eating enough.”

“Okay,” Thor agreed, taking a bite of his sandwich. Loki sat properly in his chair, massaging the knuckles of one hand, his brows knitting together as if he were considering his words.

“During my time in the dungeons, I wasn’t idle. I mostly read, but I also observed the other prisoners. Some were rather interesting to watch, and I could identify almost all of them, as well as why they were there. There was one cell, a very large one, set apart from the others, towards the back of the dungeons.”

Loki paused, swallowing and looking down at his lap briefly. “The light wasn’t often on in that cell and I didn’t like watching it for very long. It held what looked like Aesir prisoners, but they acted very strangely. Some cried and wailed, others screamed and talked to people who weren’t there. Some just sat on the ground and stared blankly at the wall or rocked back and forth. I had never seen such behaviors before and for the first night I was down there, I felt some morbid curiosity.”

Thor felt horrified at what his brother was suggesting. He hadn’t seen the cell Loki was describing, but then again, he hadn’t often been to the dungeons.

“Do you,” Thor paused and swallowed the sick feeling that rose in his throat. “Do you think warriors who were overcome with fear were locked away in the dungeons? Warriors who had afflictions like the one I’m experiencing?”

Loki looked over at Thor. “I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility. After all, Hela showed us that our ancestors had a history of burying problems they found too difficult to deal with.”

Thor looked down at his food, moving it around on his plate. “They would have died in Ragnarok. We didn’t check the dungeons.”

“Heimdall might have,” Loki offered. “He was never anything less than thorough.”

“Where would they have gone?” Thor pointed out. Loki didn’t respond and Thor looked back to his food. He wasn’t very hungry, but he continued picking at his food. He wanted to at least appear to be getting better. If he could convince Loki that he was recovering, perhaps the trickster wouldn’t vanish.

“As I said before, it doesn’t matter what the Aesir did in the past. It’s not what we’re going to do,” Loki said as he turned his attention back to the book.

“Perhaps that’s what we should do,” Thor said softly. “Perhaps it is more merciful. If there’s no cure—”

“You’re talking nonsense,” Loki was quick to interrupt. “You don’t need to be locked away like some common miscreant. You’re fine.”

“I’m not fine, Loki,” Thor said. He was willing to humor the trickster on many things, but he would not allow Loki to ignore simple truths. It would do neither of them any good to continue denying stark realities.

Loki looked up at him, an expression of hurt crossing his face. Thor pushed his plate of barely touched food away from him and stood from his chair.

“I will be in the laundry room, should you have need of me,” he told his brother, leaving the kitchen before Loki could protest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thor has a new hobby, which you'll see a bit more of in the next chapter (which is one of the longer ones).
> 
> I was thinking about historical tomes in Asgard. Loki is kind of bemoaning how most of their history was destroyed in Ragnarok and blaming that for the lack of information about traumatized warriors. In my mind, it would not have mattered. I don't believe the Aesir ever acknowledged mental illness or lasting trauma, so it wouldn't have been noted in their history books. As I mentioned before, they don't even really have the terminology to describe what Thor is experiencing (I find that concept terrifying: to not have any kind of language to describe your experiences)
> 
> Also, I just really love the idea of Thor making things. I've always headcannoned him as having an interest in woodworking. Don't know why, just seemed to fit.
> 
> You'll see more of Loki's research in the next chapter.
> 
> As always, comments are welcomed and appreciated. I really love chatting with you lot.
> 
> Next chapter goes up Monday.
> 
> See all of you then :)


	6. Chapter 6

** VI. Building **

It took Thor a little more than a month to build the new bedframes. It hadn’t taken long to remember his lessons at university, and he delighted in having a project that held his attention. _Perhaps this is the cure to my episodes,_ he thought, feeling hope blossom in his chest. He’d only had a few panic episodes since he started on his project and there had been a couple days when he hadn’t experienced any at all.

Thor allowed himself to feel some sense of hope. He enjoyed woodworking and briefly considered looking into carpentry as a potential profession. Perhaps that would be how he could best serve his people.

After shaping what would be the new headboards and cutting them down to size, Thor started working on drawing the scenes he was going to carve across the top of each one. For his own, he was going to carve the symbols of his shieldbrothers, Loki’s helmet, and Mjolnir. In the center, he planned to carve the scene of his triumph on the Bifrost, just before Ragnarok.

It was easy enough to draw and once he’d finished, Thor turned his attention to Loki’s headboard. He considered asking Loki about what he wanted carved, but Thor decided to try surprising his brother. Besides, he didn’t want to take Loki away from whatever the trickster was working on.

Thor decided to carve Loki’s grand entrance into the battle against Hela, along with some of the symbols associated with is brother. He smiled as he drew a small snake on one side. On the opposite side, he drew a raven. Thor sighed as he turned his attention to drawing the ship in the center of the headboard.

_The relief and joy that flooded through him when his brother emerged on that ship from the mists. He could feel Hela’s rage and he laughed triumphantly. His brother had returned. Loki had come back. Hela didn’t stand a chance._

A drop of liquid suddenly splashed down on the wood. Thor frowned and looked up to the ceiling, but could see no trace of anything leaking. Looking back to the smooth surface of the wood, another drop of liquid splattered against it.

_“I’m here.”_

_Thor dropped all pretense and crossed the room, wrapping his arms around his brother. Loki stiffened briefly, then sighed in resignation and endured his brother carrying on. Thor had lost everything, but he still had his brother. Loki had returned to him._

_Thor never expected that the ship, which served as a sanctuary, would eventually become a death trap. Their salvation would soon become their nightmare. He could have stopped it if he had just been a little more perceptive, a little smarter. If he had just spoken more to Loki, encouraged his brother to reveal what had happened to him after his fall._

_If he had just been a better brother…_

Another drop of liquid splattered on the surface of the wood followed by another and Thor’s hand started to shake. He put down the pencil and laid his hand on the wood. Closing his eye, Thor took a few deep breaths. There was a familiar tightness in his chest, but there was also another sensation, a heaviness.

_“You’ll…never…be…a god.”_

Thor opened his eye and more liquid splattered on the wood. He could feel the warm wetness crawling down his face and rubbed the back of his arm across his eye. His lower lip started trembling and Thor choked back a sob.

_He would never forget the sound of that crack. It haunted him. Almost as much as his utter helplessness throughout the entire ordeal._

_He’d held his brother’s lifeless body, rocking him, weeping over him. A part of Thor had died on that ship. He was alone. He was completely alone._

Thor found himself on the floor, sobbing loudly. He couldn’t stop. Tears streamed down his face and it felt like his chest was being torn open. He gasped in breath as he continued weeping. It felt like he was crying all the tears he was unable to during the entire struggle against Thanos and everything that had happened after.

_He didn’t remember much about being brought back. All he remembered was the unending pain, unlike anything he had ever experienced before. Thor had been too weak to even scream. And they kept inflicting more pain on him._

_The Midgardians, the ones who he had grown so fond of and was willing to die for, just kept hurting him. They continued torturing him and they would never tell him what they were doing or why. He could barely speak, but he would ask them why they were doing what they were. He would beg them for answers._

_They looked at him with such disinterest. They did not care about how much he was suffering or how much pain they were inflicting on him._

_Thor had been scared. He had been scared, alone, and in agony. He wanted his friends. He wanted Loki. He wanted someone who could make them stop._

_Thor wanted some relief, some comfort. But he only ever received more pain._

“Thor? Are you all right?”

Thor found he couldn’t respond to his brother. He brought his knees up to his chest and buried his face in them, ashamed of his inability to get control of himself. A moment passed and a shadow fell over Thor. He felt a cool hand gently rest on his shoulder.

“Brother, what’s the matter?” Loki asked quietly. Thor shook his head, still unable to speak. He didn’t want to be seen in this state. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Loki kneel beside him and felt his brother take a hold of his hand.

_One of his last memories of the sterile room was the interrogator with his icy blue eyes. The cruel man had come shortly after Maria’s unexpected appearance, perhaps a day after. There were no windows, so Thor was never sure of how much time passed. The interrogator had told Thor his brother no longer lived. At first, Thor hadn’t believed him. He didn’t trust anyone in these dark halls._

_Then, the man had produced images of Loki’s body floating out in space. Surveillance, he claimed, from SHIELD’s many sources. Thor struggled not to believe what must have been lies. He remembered Wakanda. It was hazy, but he remembered his brother had been there. He remembered his final moments, lying in Loki’s arms._

_“That was your dying mind playing tricks on you,” the interrogator told him with cruel indifference. “Loki is dead.”_

_“Lies,” Thor coughed. He nearly lost consciousness from the pain caused by such a simple act and could taste more blood upon his lips. He was drowning in it and it was all he could taste._

_“I have no reason to,” the interrogator replied. “What would I have to gain? If he were alive, Thor, why would he leave you here?”_

_Tears started streaming down the god of thunder’s face. He watched as the man rose from his seat and moved away from his bed, disappearing in the shadows._

_Darkness was creeping into the corners of his vision and Thor felt himself drifting away. There was finally a sense of relief. At last, the pain would be over. He would be at peace again. He would be alone, but at least he would no longer suffer. They couldn’t bring him back anymore. His body was too damaged._

_And for the first time in his life, Thor gave up._

“It’s okay,” Loki whispered. “I’m here.”

At those familiar words, Thor let out another sob and wrapped his arms around Loki. The trickster responded in kind, carefully embracing his brother. After a moment, Thor felt Loki cradle the back of his head and then stroke his short hair, calming him as he sobbed on the trickster’s shoulder.

They remained that way until Thor’s sobs died down. He sniffled and swiped away his tears, feeling color rise to his cheeks. His entire body was still shaking, but he no longer felt as despondent.

“Do you wish to speak of what is distressing you?” Loki asked and Thor shook his head.

“I…” Thor could feel his face start to crumple and closed his eye briefly, rubbing it. “I want to finish that etching, but I fear I cannot. I can’t…I can’t…”

Thor hung his head briefly and felt more tears crawl down his face. He looked over at his brother, who was watching him patiently.

“Norns, Loki, even my good memories have been tainted. I can find peace nowhere,” Thor whimpered. He felt like he could start crying again, but he was also so very tired. It felt like when he’d been suffering from exhaustion, only now Thor found himself unable to sleep.

Loki was quiet for a moment. “You are safe, brother. You will recognize that one day and then the bad memories shall be just that. I promise you.”

Thor nestled against his brother’s chest, tucking his arms close to his body. His eye wandered back to the headboard.

“Thor, I’m going to go upstairs and get you some water, okay? You will feel better once you’ve had something to drink.”

_Please don’t go._

The god of thunder nodded and reluctantly straightened up, allowing his brother to rise to his feet and move over to the stairs. Thor watched as Loki climbed the stairs and listened to the faint sounds of him moving around the kitchen. Thor felt his heart quicken and curled up as tightly as he could, his eye never moving from the stairs. Loki was going to come back. He always came back.

_But what if he doesn’t?_

After a moment, Loki reappeared, easily descending the steps and moving over to where his brother still was. He held out a glass of water, which Thor accepted gratefully, offering his brother a weak smile. His eye turned toward the headboard.

“You have been making good progress,” Loki mentioned as he sat beside his brother. Thor swirled the water around in the glass, frowning as he looked at it. Sipping it, he did his best not to look at the project that had started to feel like another sanctuary. He could no longer bear to look at it anymore.

“It shall never be finished,” Thor muttered, sipping the water. He would never find peace again. The god of thunder missed the days when he’d been a hero, when he’d been able to fight, when he’d been strong.

“It will be,” Loki told him. “Give yourself some time. There is no deadline. Work at your own pace. This activity has proven to be good for you, Thor.”

An easy silence fell between them for a time. Thor continued sipping his water, his tired mind racing. He wanted to finish the bedframes, so he could get rid of those awful iron ones. Thor had grown weary of the constant nightmares and waking up in a blind panic.

Looking to Loki, Thor swallowed. “Loki…?”

The trickster turned his attention to his brother and Thor straightened up, rubbing the back of his neck. He absolutely hated pulling Loki away from his work, but Thor wanted to finish his project and he knew he would be unable to do so on his own.

“Could you possibly help me?”

“With what?”

Thor nodded to the headboard. “I can’t…I can’t carve the scene I was planning on that one. Would you consider doing so?”

Loki stared at Thor as though he’d just spontaneously sprouted numerous new limbs. “Brother, I never took woodworking at university. This is one of those rare activities of which I know next to nothing.”

Thor snorted. “I never thought I’d live to see the day you admitted not knowing something.”

“Knowing about something and being able to do it competently are two entirely different things, Thor,” Loki sniffed. Thor smiled sadly and handed Loki his now empty glass.

“I apologize, brother. I have undoubtedly kept you from important matters,” he said as he got to his feet. Brushing his hands on the sides of his pants, Thor took a deep breath. He could feel a familiar tightness in his chest. It was something he often felt before a panic episode. Thor forced himself not to think of that, or of the way his hands were shaking.

“Were you to show me what to do, I would likely be able to offer assistance,” Loki suddenly stated behind him. Thor turned around, surprised. Loki had also risen to his feet.

“If you were to help me, I believe I could do what you ask,” Loki added, almost reluctantly. Thor smiled and dipped his head, moved at his brother’s willingness to aid him.

“I really appreciate that, Loki, but I do not wish to keep you from more pressing things,” Thor replied. Loki rolled his eyes.

“You are keeping me from nothing. I need to clear my mind for a while, so show me what it is you wish for me to help you with,” Loki replied as he approached Thor and stood in front of the headboard. His bright green eyes fixed on it, an intrigued expression crossing his face. The trickster had always been interested in learning new things.

“I was attempting to draw your entrance into the battle against Hela,” Thor replied. “But, I cannot…when I try to remember…”

_“You’ll…never…be…a…god.”_

Thor swallowed and looked down at his feet, shifting his weight. Once again, he felt shame.

“I’m…actually flattered,” Loki murmured, sounding impressed. Thor glanced up at his brother, who was twisting his hands.

“Loki, no. Do not use magic,” Thor requested. Loki frowned and looked over at Thor. The god of thunder reached over to a lamp and adjusted it slightly, so the light was shining at a better angle. He held out a pencil to his brother, who stared at it as though it were a revolting object that offended the very core of his existence.

“You’re not serious,” Loki said. “Why would I use rudimentary methods when I could use more efficient ones?”

Thor sighed. “It’s not about efficiency, brother. Sometimes the simplest methods are the best ones to use.”

Loki looked at him skeptically and took the pencil, holding it as if he expected it to explode. Sighing, the trickster massaged his brow and adjusted his hold on the pencil.

“You just want me to draw the scene?”

“To start,” Thor replied. “But you must not be overly detailed. If you include too much detail, it will be impossible to etch.”

Loki rolled his eyes and leaned over the wood, reaching forward and adjusting the lamp slightly. Lowering the pencil to the smooth surface, Loki started working on the first line. Thor watched him, watching as the scene started to come to life. Loki did as instructed and held back on including the details.

Once he finished, Loki straightened up and looked over at Thor expectantly. The god of thunder inspected his brother’s work, impressed. He smiled shakily at Loki.

“Good, that’s good, Loki,” Thor complimented and turned his attention to the side where there was a large box of tools. Removing an etching tool, Thor moved back to Loki’s side, trying his best not to stare at the sketch for over long.

“Be careful, this is sharp,” he told the dark-haired god. “I’m afraid this part of the process is time consuming, but I find it soothing.”

He showed Loki how to cut the wood and shape the figures he wanted to carve. Loki listened intently and watched his brother. Thor finally handed the tool over to his brother, watching him for a few moments to make sure he understood what to do.

As usual, Loki proved to be a quick learner and was soon wielding the tool as if he’d been born with it in his hand. The smooth strokes of the small blade were calming to watch. Thor took a few steps back so he could lean against the nearest wall. Loki remained focused on the project.

“What if this never gets better?” Thor asked softly.

“It will,” Loki replied easily, not looking up from the etching.

“But what if it doesn’t?” Thor pressed.

“I don’t know, Thor. We shall figure something out,” Loki said, his focus fixed solely on the project in front of him. “We always do.”

Thor continued watching Loki work, feeling despair creeping up on him. The despair was starting to become worse and harder to deal with. _I wish they hadn’t brought me back. I wish they had left me in peace,_ Thor thought.

_*_

Early one morning, after another night of almost no sleep and horrific nightmares, Thor found himself in the kitchen. He was busying himself with cooking and baking. First, he’d made breakfast for Loki and himself. When he woke up, Loki wandered into the kitchen and the two had eaten breakfast together. As usual, Thor was unable to eat much, which he knew worried Loki. He’d grown used to his brother’s concerned expression.

After breakfast, Loki told Thor he was going to spend the day reading in the study. “If you have need of me, I will be in there. I shall leave the door ajar, so you need only call,” he told Thor. The god of thunder nodded and watched as Loki strode from the room. He took his still full plate to the garbage and scraped his food off the dish. Glancing to the calendar, Thor noticed the date and his eye widened slightly. How could he forget? Norns, he never forgot this date!

Swiftly moving over to the refrigerator, Thor opened the door and immediately started grabbing ingredients. Thankfully, Loki made sure their house was well stocked with fresh food and ingredients for cooking. Thor had started regularly cooking and it helped with his episodes. Not much, but the Odinsons were willing to accept whatever little relief they could get.

Thor started combining ingredients in a bowl, making a dough. A rare genuine smile danced across his lips. He continued mixing until the dough was stiff and then he put it off to the side. Quickly rushing around the kitchen and cleaning all the surfaces, Thor glanced at the clock and took note of the time. Once he finished cleaning, Thor started pulling out pans and moved over to the oven, turning it on and setting it to preheat.

It didn’t take as long as Thor feared it might to prepare everything and soon, he had set out a pan to cool. Since it would be a while yet before it would be cooled completely, Thor decided to turn his attention to the completed bedframes. He had put one last coat of finish on them the previous day and they were now ready to be assembled in their bedroom.

After he’d stripped the bedding from the bed, Thor pulled on a pair of gloves and took apart the iron bedframes. He brought the disassembled pieces into the main room and put them in a neat pile. Then he made his way to the basement to retrieve the new bedframes. As he carried the pieces up the stairs and then into the bedroom, Thor glanced over at the door to the study where his brother was still reading. Loki was being unusually quiet.

“Loki, are you all right?” Thor called.

“Fine,” was the curt reply he received. Thor raised an eyebrow and turned his attention back to his current task.

Assembling the new bedframes wasn’t too difficult and Thor was pleased that they were sturdy. They fit perfectly in the room and his measurements had been impeccable. He easily put the mattresses and bedding back the way it had been, tidying up the beds so they looked brand new. Frowning, he picked up the odd plush green rabbit his brother had sitting on the table beside his bed. For the life of him, Thor couldn’t figure out where the thing had come from and had been meaning to ask Loki about it since he’d noticed it. Shrugging, Thor put the plush where it normally sat.

The sound of a loud crash followed by a yell of pure rage startled Thor. The god of thunder whipped around, his eye widening.

“Loki!”

He dashed out of the room, his heart hammering in his chest, and ran down the short hall to the study door, throwing it open. His eye fell on his brother, who was slouched in the large chair behind the desk. His eyes were unfocused as he stared at some random spot on the carpet, and his fist was resting against his mouth.

“Loki, are you all right? What was that noise?” Thor asked, concerned.

“I threw a book,” Loki grumbled. There was an odd sharpness to his soft words, one Thor recognized. Loki was angry.

“You threw a book?” Thor asked, stunned his brother would treat a book so carelessly. He looked across the room and saw a thick tome lying in two halves, pages scattered across the floor. “Why would you do such a thing?”

“Because,” Loki replied with a dangerous calm. Thor looked back to him. The dark-haired god steepled his fingers, tapping them together lightly. His eyes were glittering and he still appeared furious. Thor knew he had to tread carefully if he wanted to figure out what had caused this sudden fury.

“I’m afraid I still do not understand, Loki.”

Loki swallowed and straightened up a little, rubbing his palms together. He appeared to gather himself somewhat, though he still refused to make eye-contact with his brother.

“It annoyed me with its lack of useful information, so I threw it,” Loki explained as though it were the most obvious and logical act in the world. Thor opened his mouth and then closed it again. He was unlikely to get any clarification out of his brother when Loki was angry. Remembering what Gamora told him, about how Loki would have been subjected to constant interrogations in Thanos’ captivity, Thor decided it wise not to try forcing answers out of his brother.

He moved across the room, gathering the loose pages and two halves of the book, placing them on one of the overstuffed shelves in the study. At some point, Thor was going to have to organize the shelves. Loki took excellent care of the books they had, but he never put them in any particular order and so the shelves always looked messy.

“That was the last history book that survived Ragnarok.”

Thor turned to look back at his brother. Loki cleared his throat and brushed at some nonexistent dust on his desk.

“That was the last historical account of the wars Asgard fought in. Not a single mention of warriors with symptoms similar to yours and therefore no mention of how they might have treated it,” Loki continued, his hands curling into fists briefly. “For once, just bloody once, would it have killed the Aesir to admit some kind of imperfection rather than burying it?”

With a snarl, Loki kicked the desk and slumped back in his chair. Thor swiftly moved across the room to his brother’s chair and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Peace, brother,” Thor soothed him. “It is all right.”

Loki let out a long breath and ran a hand over his face. “I am really rather tired of our history. So many lies on top of lies and no way to sort through any of them. And now we suffer as a result. The golden city was a sham, a complete and utter sham. I’m glad it burned.”

Thor’s heart hurt to hear the defeat and bitterness in Loki’s voice. _He will definitely leave now. He has had enough and he is going to leave forever._

“I am too, brother. It means we have a chance to start anew, fix the mistakes our ancestors made in the past,” Thor agreed, smiling at his brother. Loki frowned and turned to look at the god of thunder.

“But how does that help you?” he asked.

“You said it yourself: we shall figure something out.”

“And if we fail?”

Thor shrugged, his smile never wavering. “Then hopefully the next person won’t. Perhaps if I succumb to whatever this condition is, it will teach future generations how to prevent it and how to treat it. I do not mind that. If that is my legacy, it is an honorable one.”

Loki’s eyes welled up and he turned to look across the room again. His lower lip quivered, and he dropped his gaze to his lap, shaking his head. Thor could see the exhaustion in his brother. His inability to articulate a response was further evidence of just how tired Loki was. Thor reached out and grasped his shoulder, squeezing gently.

“I have something for you, brother,” he told Loki, who looked over at him. Thor nodded over his shoulder. Loki sighed and pushed his chair back from the desk, rising to his feet and following Thor.

Thor glanced over his shoulder when they stepped past the bedroom and Loki paused, peering inside.

“The new bedframes look adequate,” the trickster stated, and Thor chuckled.

“High praise,” Thor teased, and a half smirk danced across Loki’s lips. His green gaze wandered over to the disassembled iron bedframe and he made a noise of disapproval.

“I’m not sure what to do with them,” Thor admitted.

Loki shrugged. “There’s an empty room upstairs. We could conceivably convert it into a guest room. Knowing you, we will likely be entertaining guests at some point in the near future.”

Thor smiled faintly and nodded. “That sounds like a fine idea.”

He continued moving toward the kitchen with Loki behind him. When they stepped inside, Loki frowned and paused.

“It smells like honey cakes,” he mentioned, turning his eyes to Thor. “And other pastries.”

“I should hope so, it being the day you were born,” Thor replied, feeling a faint hint of excitement. Loki stared at him, baffled.

“Is it?”

“It’s the nineteenth, brother,” Thor mentioned, pointing at the calendar. Loki’s eyebrows raised a little and he squinted at the calendar.

“So it is,” he said, grinning at the god of thunder. “I haven’t observed the day in quite some time.”

“Why not?”

Loki shrugged. “I had other things on my mind, and it is…odd to observe such a day alone. I never particularly cared for tradition, but Name Days feel so peculiar without friends and family. I suppose it was easier to just let it go by unobserved.”

Something about his brother’s explanation made Thor’s heart hurt. He reached out and grasped Loki’s shoulder.

“Well, no more skipping your Name Day,” Thor told him. “We need to find things to celebrate again. We’re going to observe this day every year, just like we used to.”

Loki smirked. “Judging from that tone, there’s no talking you out of this.”

Thor shook his head and moved across the kitchen to where the cake was sitting. It had cooled completely, and Thor brought it to the counter.

“I shall get started on the meal once I finish with the cake,” he told Loki as he opened the fridge and retrieved the frosting he’d made earlier. “I’m afraid I have not figured out what to gift you with, but I shall think of something.”

“You returning is more than enough, brother,” Loki replied softly and Thor looked over at him. As usual, he could not read his brother’s expression. Loki glanced over his shoulder.

“I do have something for you, however,” he said and wandered out of the kitchen. Thor focused on the cake, starting to ice it.

“Will this be a new tradition of New Asgard? You gifting me with something on your Name Day?” Thor asked. He was pleased to hear his brother’s breathy laugh.

“Hardly,” Loki replied as he re-entered the kitchen. “You know how much I dislike tradition and routine.”

Thor snorted as he continued icing the cake. He glanced up to his brother and did a double take. Loki was sitting at the table, a large tome in front of him. His eyes sparkled with mischievous light. Thor furrowed his brow and moved over to the kitchen table, studying the book. There was a design on the front: Mjolnir and a bolt of lightning, both glistening with gold.

“The first tome of your adventures, stories that make up your life,” Loki told him. “I finished it yesterday. It shall be part of the New Asgard library.”

Thor reached out and ran a hand over the cover, stunned. It was beautiful and he felt unworthy of such a gift.

“Open it,” Loki encouraged. “To the first page or thereabouts.”

Thor glanced at him and then did as he was told, his breath catching in his throat when he saw the image of he and his brother as boys. It was opposite a page with a single sentence: _There was no Thor without Loki, as the god of thunder would often point out._

“I wasn’t going to include that. I wasn’t going to appear in this tome at all, but I know you would have made a scene and so—oof!”

Thor wrapped his arms around Loki, embracing him tightly. He buried his nose in Loki’s hair, feeling warm tears crawling down his cheek.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you, Loki.”

Loki sighed in resignation and patted his shoulder. “Of course, brother. It was my pleasure.”

Thor continued hugging his brother until Loki started squirming, which was usually a warning that Thor was about to get stabbed. The god of thunder let him go and wiped his eyes, feeling a warmth spread through his chest.

“Is there anything you want, Loki? Anything in particular I can do for you?” Thor asked as he moved back to the cabinets, opening one and retrieving a jar of honey. “Within reason.”

There was a long pause and Thor knew his brother was probably thinking.

“I just want you to be well, Thor,” Loki finally responded. “I know it is frustrating and feels impossible, but I want you to continue working to be well again. And to ask for my help when you need it. There is no shame in that.”

Thor looked up to Loki, who was watching him. Thor swallowed and nodded, a weak smile dancing across his lips.

“All right, brother. I shall continue trying, I give you my word,” Thor promised him. He turned his attention back to finishing decorating the cake. Thor still doubted it was possible, but he was willing to try. Loki asked it of him and after all Loki did for the both of them, it seemed the least Thor could do.

He smiled as he finished drizzling honey on the cake. Thor found that he did want to celebrate more Name Days with Loki. He could at least try his hardest to make it to Loki’s next Name Day. It would be difficult, but Thor was sure he could do it.

With that goal in mind, he next turned his attention to preparing his brother’s favorite meal. For today, he just wanted to celebrate his brother’s Name Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thor has finished the bed frames.
> 
> Funny bit of trivia: the rabbit that was briefly mentioned in this chapter (and will turn up in the next chapter) is based on some fanart by one of my regular readers, Claire. She recently drew a beautiful pictures for a fic that had the most adorable rabbit plush. It got the creative wheels in my mind spinning and I just had to include it in my AU. As I mentioned before, you'll learn the origins of the rabbit in the next chapter.
> 
> Apologies for posting at strange times. My schedule has gotten a bit topsy-turvy recently and it throws me off sometimes. I'm still keeping to posting three times a week, so hopefully nobody minds overmuch.
> 
> As always, comments and questions are welcomed and appreciated. I do so love chatting with you lot. It's often the highlight of my week :) <3
> 
> Next chapter goes up Wednesday.
> 
> See everyone then!


	7. Chapter 7

** VII. The Plush Rabbit **

Much like the regular panic episodes, the melancholy ones started so gradually that the Odinsons didn’t really notice them at first. The first one was a few days after Loki’s Name Day. Thor hadn’t slept well the previous night and Loki awoke to find him sitting in a chair at the window, staring out at the snowy landscape. Thor was aware of Loki standing nearby, but he couldn’t move. There was a heaviness that had settled on him, pinning him to the chair. He was so cold, yet he could not get up to adjust the heat or grab a blanket.

“Thor? Are you all right?” Loki asked as he approached the chair. _No,_ Thor thought. Everything seemed to take an unusual amount of effort: moving, speaking, even thinking. Swallowing, Thor slowly turned his head toward his brother. Loki strode forward, his brow furrowing, concern clearly read on his face.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, reaching out to place a hand upon Thor’s shoulder. He jerked back in shock. “Norns, you’re freezing, brother!”

He quickly grabbed the heavy blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over Thor’s shoulders. Loki then dashed somewhere behind him, likely where the thermostat was.

“My apologies, brother, I do not experience cold the same as you. I assumed you would have adjusted the heat were you to feel discomfort.”

Faintly, Thor heard the heater rumble to life. He closed his eye and pulled the blanket tighter about him, thankful for the relief from the cold. Soon, Loki was sitting upon the arm of the chair.

“Will you not speak, Thor?”

Swallowing, Thor licked his lips. He took a deep breath and prepared himself to speak.

“Tired,” he whispered, leaning against his brother. “Hurts.”

“You are in pain?” Loki asked. “Where? What hurts?”

Thor shook his head. “Nothing, physically. I…cannot find the words. Nothing hurts and everything does.”

The trickster adjusted the blanket so that it was wrapped around him more securely. “Is it exhaustion again? Like when you first returned?”

Thor shook his head and closed his eye. “A little, but it’s not the same.”

He felt Loki rub his upper arm. He could hear his brother speaking, but Thor lacked the energy to respond. He felt himself drifting in and out of wakefulness.

“Thor, would you like to return to bed?” Loki asked gently. Thor shook his head.

“No, brother. I,” Thor paused, unable to admit he was too tired to move. “I just wish to rest here.”

He heard Loki sigh softly and for a moment, his heart quickened a beat. Loki was upset and he would leave. Thor had finally pushed him past his limits and now Loki was going to leave forever.

“Stay?” Thor asked hesitantly. He did not want to keep Loki from important matters relating to New Asgard, yet he needed Loki to be there today.

Loki was quiet for a long while and Thor couldn’t bring himself to look up at his brother, certain that Loki was going to vanish at any moment.

“All right. For a little while,” Loki agreed, shifting around a bit until he found a comfortable position. The god of thunder continued leaning against the trickster, staring out at the dreary winter day outside. He didn’t have the energy to feel anything at the moment and that much was a blessing.

_*_

The melancholy episodes started to become as common as the panic episodes. There were days Thor found he was unable to get out of bed. The first few times, Loki was greatly concerned and obviously struggled trying to figure out what to do. Thor did his best to communicate what he needed, but he had great difficulty coming up with the words. Even he had no idea what was causing these episodes, which were much more unpredictable than the panic episodes.

Just like the panic episodes, Loki developed a routine after Thor had experienced a few. Often, he would sit with his brother, sometimes reviewing documents silently and other times reading to Thor from a book. Sometimes Loki would just talk to him about various things, whether complaining about incompetent advisors or recalling the adventures they’d had as children. Every now and again, he would spin some wonderous tale.

The one thing Loki always did that Thor could never figure out the point of was he would place the rabbit plush, which sat on the table beside Loki’s bed, at the head of Thor’s bed or sometimes next to the god of thunder.

One day, after the worst of the episode had passed, Thor picked up the plush rabbit that was laying by him and studied it. His fur was a bright emerald green, reminiscent of Loki’s own formal clothing. There was a black swirl on the creature’s pale belly, resembling some kind of labyrinth. It was a typical Asgardian plush: well-made, surprisingly detailed, and very soft.

Glancing over to Loki’s chair, he noticed his brother was dozing lightly with his head resting on his fist and his feet up on Thor’s bed. Thor cleared his throat.

“Loki?” he whispered. Loki inhaled, his eyes fluttering open. He looked to the bed, blinking a few times and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. An easy grin danced across his face.

“I assume the melancholy has abated,” Loki mentioned.

“Mostly, for now,” Thor responded, holding the plush rabbit. It felt a little foolish, holding a child’s toy, but the rabbit was comforting. The material was soft, and Thor could feel a faint hint of Aesir magic. It reminded him of the toys Loki and he had when they were children.

“Do you feel up to eating something?” Loki asked hopefully.

“Perhaps a little later,” Thor replied, holding up the rabbit. “This plush, where did you get it?”

Loki frowned. “There is a toymaker in town, her daughter requested she make it for me after…”

The trickster trailed off and looked away, clearing his throat. Thor looked back at the rabbit, holding it in front of him. It was a rather cute plush.

“Will you tell me about it? About receiving it?” Thor asked, looking over to his brother. “I sense there is a story behind it.”

Loki sat back, a faint smile dancing across his lips. “I shall make you a bargain. I will tell you about receiving the rabbit if you agree to eat lunch afterwards.”

Thor nodded and turned on his side, watching his brother expectantly.

“It was a few months after I arrived in New Asgard,” Loki started.

**

New Asgard didn’t feel like home. It wasn’t home. Loki doubted he would ever have one of those.

He sat in his office, sniffling, his cheeks wet with tears. He’d been going through the motions all day, listening to advisors, approving various projects. It had been fine. Burying himself in the dull minutiae helped take his mind off the pain of grief.

Then, the advisors had brought up the planned memorial. Loki had to approve it. He had to approve the construction of a memorial to the fallen. The fallen, which included his brother.

More tears streamed down his face and Loki swiped at his cheeks, swallowing the sob that wanted to escape him. He felt so empty and numb. Yet it seemed like his tears never stopped. Loki no longer cried, but tears often escaped him. It had gotten even worse since he started suffering from insomnia.

His sleep was haunted by horrific images of Thor being tortured by Thanos and then falling in battle. Loki always arrived too little too late. Night after night, he was forced to watch Thor die a brutal death. The trickster could no longer bear it, so he started forgoing sleep. He would take short naps throughout the day, but he wouldn’t sleep. Perhaps that was why he always felt so tired and worn out.

Glancing at the clock, Loki felt a wave of relief wash over him when he realized it was time to go home. Rising to his feet, he grabbed some files off his desk and slid them into his satchel. Then he left his office and made his way out of the town hall, thinking about what to make himself for dinner.

As Loki stepped out into the warm sunlight, he closed his eyes and lifted his face to the sky, taking a moment to savor the fresh air. He didn’t care for warm weather in general, but he did like the sweet clean air of New Asgard. It was one of the rare things he allowed himself to enjoy.

“Prince Loki?” a small voice came from behind him.

“Not a prince,” Loki stated, making an effort to keep the frustration out of his tone. He was beginning to get tired of the Aesir forgetting they were no longer a monarchy. “It’s just Loki.”

Opening his eyes, he turned to look behind him. A young Aesir girl stood there, dressed in a pale lavender dress. Her face still had a youthful roundness though there was a large scar on her cheek. She had long light brown hair that was neatly braided. Her blue eyes were weary, undoubtedly having seen too much. Loki tried not to think of all the children who had been traumatized by Thanos’ massacre. The ones who had fallen were the lucky ones. When he’d first taken up a leadership position in New Asgard, the advisors had brought him a list of orphaned children. It had been so long.

Loki noticed the medium-sized box she held in her hands. It had a green bow on it, and he could sense a faint magic coming from it. It wasn’t a powerful magic, nothing that could pose a potential threat. It didn’t even feel like a healer’s magic, yet it felt distinctly Aesir. To Loki, it felt like home.

“What can I do for you, my lady?” Loki asked with a charming grin. The girl bit her bottom lip, obviously a little nervous. She took a cautious step forward.

“My name is Inga, my mother is Tilde. She’s a toymaker by trade,” the girl began. “I asked her to make this for you.”

She handed Loki the box and he took it, still confused. Carefully undoing the bow, Loki opened the box and looked inside. He was even more baffled when he saw the plush green rabbit staring back at him. Faint wisps of magic shimmered on his fur and his eyes were a soft brown. He had a pale patch down his middle and on his belly, there was a thin swirl that resembled a maze or labyrinth of some kind.

“This is very…thoughtful,” Loki stated as he picked up the rabbit. “But I’m afraid I don’t understand the purpose of it.”

The girl was quiet for a moment, clasping her small hands in front of her. She looked up at Loki.

“When we had to flee our home to find Heimdall and escape Hela, we didn’t have time to grab much. I grabbed the plush rabbit my mother made for me just before I was born. She always said he would bring me luck and protect me from the evils in the world,” she started to explain, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “Later, when we were on the ship, I prayed we would escape Ragnarok and we did. When Thanos attacked and massacred so many, my family was hiding. I prayed we would be spared the slaughter.”

Inga paused and looked off to the town. “That’s when you appeared with the tesseract and saved a great many of us, including my family.”

“Ah,” Loki said, looking back at the rabbit. Truthfully, he still wasn’t sure he’d made the right decision. He’d saved many of the Aesir, most of them, but if he had forced Thor to go through it first, then both of them might have managed to escape. They wouldn’t have been separated and Loki would have been at his brother’s side during that final fight. Thor wouldn’t have died.

“We live a good life here. Mother’s toys are much sought after and life treats us well. A great deal of that is thanks to you,” Inga continued. “We still grieve Thor and I am sorry for the grief you must be enduring now.”

Loki put the rabbit back in the box, suddenly wanting very much to leave. “Such is life.”

“I know you’re not sleeping,” the girl muttered, and Loki froze. “You always look so tired and I thought perhaps it was because your sleep was troubled. Mine was too, when I first came to this strange place. I still had my rabbit and Mother said to hold him whenever I felt uneasy or afraid. He would protect me from the monsters as well as from bad dreams and memories. I thought maybe you could use something like that.”

She stepped a little closer and gently lifted the rabbit from the box. “My mother has some magic, nowhere near as powerful as yours and it’s of a different sort. The plush animals she makes are special and she made this rabbit especially for you. He will trap your nightmares and bad memories and help you rest. Put him at the head of your bed and your sleep will be peaceful. The nightmares can’t navigate the labyrinth on his stomach. They get trapped in it and shed all the bad. When they eventually escape, they have transformed into good dreams and memories.”

“I see,” Loki said, skeptical. He’d heard stories about such magics, which were made up. It was a cute story made to reassure children but held no evidence of working. It was similar to the Midgardians’ placebo effect.

“Well, thank you for the generous gift. Please pass along my gratitude to your mother as well,” Loki said politely. The girl smiled widely, obviously pleased, and took off down the steps, skipping off to wherever she was going, home more likely than not. Briefly glancing at the rabbit again, Loki put the lid back on the box and continued on his way home.

_*_

That night, Loki went to bed late. Once again, he’d buried himself in paperwork and matters relating to New Asgard. He yawned and felt his eyes drooping, knowing sleep was creeping up on him. Oh how he dreaded the land of dreams.

With a sigh, he switched off the lamp and stood from the chair. The study was cloaked in shadows. Loki moved down the hall to his bedroom, noticing the box Inga had given him was still sitting on the bed where he’d tossed it. Loki moved over to it and opened the top of it, studying the plush inside. Its fur glistened even in the soft light.

Lifting the plush out of the box, Loki put the box aside and studied the rather happy-looking rabbit. Of all the toys he and Thor owned, Loki couldn’t remember ever having a plush. He was sure they had at some point, but he couldn’t remember.

“Will you protect me from the monster in my dreams? I must warn you, those are some formidable foes you face,” Loki told the plush rabbit. It stared at him with its glass eyes. _What if it takes my memories of my brother?_ Loki thought, swallowing his nervousness.

A strangled laugh escaped him. He was being ridiculous, worrying about a child’s story. This plush rabbit was merely a toy.

“What the Hel,” Loki muttered to himself and put the rabbit at the head of the bed. It was ridiculous and chances were, it wasn’t going to do anything, but the trickster felt compelled to try at least once.

Loki eventually climbed under the covers and reached over to where Stormbreaker was leaning against the wall, running his fingers over the surface of the grip. His eyes welled up when he felt the hint of lightning still contained within the wood. _You were so brave, Thor. So brave and so incredibly bloody stupid,_ Loki thought as he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

**

Thor smiled faintly as his brother finished his tale. Loki stood from his chair.

“And that’s how I came to own that rabbit,” Loki finished. “Now it is time for you to uphold your end of the bargain, Thor.”

Thor nodded and pushed back the covers, slowly pushing himself up into a sitting position. He still felt a little weak, but he had given his word. And Thor always kept his word.

As he followed Loki into the kitchen, Thor thought about Loki’s tale. His heart hurt at the thought of how much pain Loki had been in.

“Did it work?” Thor asked as he sat at the table. Loki started moving around the kitchen, gathering things for lunch.

“Did what work?” Loki asked as he started making a sandwich.

“The rabbit,” Thor clarified. “Was your sleep easier?”

“Um,” Loki’s brow furrowed. “Perhaps a little, but it was not due to the rabbit. It’s only a plush toy, after all.”

“Oh,” Thor said, frowning. “Then why do you place him beside me when I’m suffering from melancholy?”

Loki shrugged. “Plush animals are reassuring, based on what I hear. I thought it would be a comfort on the days when you experience melancholy. Would you prefer me not to do so?”

Thor shook his head. “No, brother. I actually rather like it.”

Loki smiled faintly as he continued preparing the sandwich. Thor sighed and sat back, closing his eye. Sometimes, things almost felt normal. Yet Thor was beginning to understand it was only a matter of time before the mysterious ailment he suffered from reared its head again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for the plush green rabbit came from some fanart drawn by regular reader, Claire. The minute I saw it, I knew I had to include it in a fic (and it got the creative wheels in my mind spinning).
> 
> Apologies for the gaps in posting. I am currently in the middle of two unrelated projects as well as work related things. Seeing as how there are only four chapters remaining, I'm considering cutting back to posting twice a week. That would allow readers more time to comment and me more time to tackle various things. (Also, from now on, I'll likely respond to comments on Saturdays).
> 
> Chapter eight is going to be posted Monday or Tuesday. It's a doozy of a chapter and will probably leave you going, "Ow."
> 
> As always, comments are welcomed and appreciated. I do love chatting with you lot.
> 
> See you at the next chapter :) <3


	8. Chapter 8

** VIII. The Fight **

Thor never knew what to expect upon awakening. How would he feel today? Would he awaken in a cold sweat, drowning in panic and dread? Would he be so weak and tired that he couldn’t leave his bed?

Would Loki still be there?

Sometimes his episodes were so intense they even unnerved his brother. Loki seemed particularly bothered by the occasional catatonic spell Thor started to experience. The first time it happened, Thor was certain Loki would be gone the next day. He had never seen his brother so scared. It came as quite a shock when Thor awoke to find Loki still sleeping soundly beside him, holding onto the god of thunder protectively.

Thor started forgoing sleep. He was tired of the nightmares and decided the best remedy would be to sleep as little as possible. Plus, it meant he didn’t have to worry as much about his brother leaving, disappearing without a word.

Unfortunately, little sleep and regular panic episodes led to irritability. And the brothers once again were regularly at each other’s throats. Every single thing Loki did reminded Thor of all the deception and betrayals. He started blaming Loki for everything, including his current affliction. The entire war against Thanos was Loki’s fault. If he had been forthcoming, even slightly, for once in his life, they would have been prepared. Thor would have been prepared.

If Thor hadn’t been mourning his brother, he would have defeated Thanos easily. If Loki had been at his side, they would have vanquished the mad titan. They would have been undefeatable. But Loki ran, just like he always did.

“This was exactly what you wanted!” Thor yelled at him one night. “You could have run! You could have escaped! But I wouldn’t have suffered enough! You delight in me being in such a lowly pathetic state!”

Loki fumed. His anger was quieter than Thor’s, but no less intense.

“You are so ungrateful,” Loki seethed. “All that I have sacrificed, all that I have done and continue to do to help you, and it matters not. You want to wallow in misery and remain in the past. You only have yourself to blame for your current state, Thor. Perhaps if you actually put a little effort into healing—”

“You were the one who brought Thanos down on our heads! It is all your fault this happened! You have always wanted my death. What victory you must have felt when you found me on that battlefield, to finally feel my blood on your hands. Tell me, brother, was it difficult to decide what side to fight on, who to ally with during that final battle? Or perhaps you just planned to switch to whatever side won, like the coward you are. Was it difficult to ignore your former master’s call?”

Loki scowled and rose to his feet, turning to storm out of the room. Thor responded by throwing a glass at him, which shattered against the wall near his head. Loki spun back around, anger blazing in his eyes.

“Are you quite through with this childish temper tantrum or is there perhaps more dishware you would like to break?” he hissed. “Feel free to make a mess. Gods know all I do these days is clean up after you.”

Something about that angered Thor beyond reason and he shouted, “I wish you had stayed dead!”

He regretted the words the instant they left his mouth.

“And I wish the same of you,” Loki snapped. “Your returning was a curse and I eagerly wait for it to be undone.”

For a moment, there was a heavy silence between them. They were both panting, their bodies rigid with tension. Thor hadn’t expected words to hurt so much. He and Loki had fought numerous times in the past, said terrible things to and of each other, but something about what they had just said was so much worse.

Thor looked back at his mostly untouched food. “Why don’t you leave? That’s what you’re good at. That’s obviously what you want to do.”

For a moment, there was quiet.

“Fine. I shall,” Loki said calmly. When Thor looked up, his brother was gone. For a moment, Thor felt a familiar panic start to creep over him. He looked around. Had his brother teleported? Thor hadn’t heard anything, but Loki could sometimes vanish without making a sound.

“Loki?” Thor whimpered quietly. He felt terror grip his heart. Loki had gone, he’d vanished, and Thor would never see his brother again. Thor had crossed a line and now, he was going to spend the rest of his days alone. He would succumb to this mysterious ailment all alone.

Before panic and despair could overtake him, Thor heard the bathroom door shut followed by the sound of the tub running. He looked back to his plate. After a moment, he got to his feet and threw the untouched food away. His appetite was unpredictable, and Thor knew he wasn’t eating enough.

Thor moved out into the main room, walking over to the short hall and peering around the corner, checking to make sure he wasn’t hearing things. A soft glow was coming out from beneath the closed bathroom door. Soon, the tap turned off. Thor turned and moved back into the main room, making his way over to the couch. He flopped down on it and tried to forget the argument with his brother.

_*_

They hadn’t spoken for the rest of the night. They had crossed paths a few times, it was impossible not to do in so small a house, but didn’t acknowledge one another. More than anything, Thor wanted to take back his cruel words. He wanted to apologize to his brother, to tell him that he did appreciate all Loki did, but Thor couldn’t bring himself to do so.

_He will certainly leave now. After what I said, I’m going to lose my brother forever._

Loki went to bed first, taking the novel he was reading into the bedroom. When Thor entered the room to go to sleep, Loki was still reading in bed. He barely glanced at Thor before putting the book on the bedside table, next to the rabbit, and switching off the lamp. He turned on his side and pulled the covers up to his shoulder.

It felt like a dagger in Thor’s heart. He swallowed and made his way to his own bed, climbing under the covers and switching off the lamp at his bedside.

“Goodnight, Loki,” he called over to his brother.

For the first time ever, Loki didn’t respond to him. Thor closed his eye and prayed Loki would still be there when he awoke. _I will endure the worst nightmares my mind can conjure. Please just don’t let my brother leave before I have a chance to apologize._

**

_He was back on the ship of Aesir refugees. The twisted and mangled bodies of his people were strewn everywhere._

“Thor?”

_He could feel the heat, smell the heavy stench of death._

“Thor, wake up.”

_His skull was still throbbing from Thanos’ crushing grip, but Thor didn’t care. He wished the mad titan had finished the job. He wished Thanos had crushed his skull._

“Thor, you are having a nightmare. Do you wish for me to pull you out of it?”

_He could feel Loki’s lifeless body in his arms. He was colder than he should have been, much too cold._

A cool gentle hand rested upon his brow, but Thor was so terrified by the images playing out in front of his eye that it barely registered. He could faintly feel another cool hand slip into his own.

“Brother, I know you cannot speak in this state. Squeeze my hand if you wish for me to pull you out of the nightmare you find yourself in.”

It took an enormous amount of effort, but Thor managed to lightly squeeze the hand he was holding. He prayed it was enough.

_“Wake up. Please wake up. You can’t leave me, brother. You can’t,” Thor thought as he clutched his brother’s limp form and wept. He felt a part of himself die. As the ship exploded, Thor felt a familiar grasp grab ahold of him and pull him away from the wreckage, yanking him out of the horrific memory._

Thor jerked awake, sweat pouring off him, unable to breathe or move. His head was pounding, but he barely noticed it. His heart was hammering in his chest and alarms were going off in his mind. His throat was raw, indicating he had been screaming in his sleep again. Tears were streaming down his face and Thor tried to stifle his sobs. He hated being this way. This wasn’t a life. This was torment.

Just when his thoughts started spiraling to familiar dark places, Thor heard a quiet yawn and glanced to the side. Loki was sitting on the side of the bed, half-awake. He glanced at Thor with sleepy eyes and then lifted the blankets, climbing into the bed next to the god of thunder. The trickster inched closer, draping an arm about his brother gently (making sure Thor didn’t feel constricted), and closed his eyes as he laid his head on the pillow.

“Shhh, it was only a nightmare,” Loki whispered soothingly. “Everything is all right. Go back to sleep.”

He spoke similar words almost every night, every time Thor climbed into bed with him after experiencing a nightmare. Oddly enough, it was something Thor believed without hesitation. His brother always lied and yet, something about those words sounded genuine and honest.

Thor curled up closer to Loki. Gradually, the fear subsided, and Thor started to feel a little calmer. He looked to his brother’s face, studying it in the shadows.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and Loki opened his eyes, looking to him. “For the words I spoke earlier. I meant them not.”

“I know,” Loki replied. “I didn’t mean what I said either.”

Thor sniffled. “Perhaps I should leave. I might be able to get in contact with the Guardians of the Galaxy, now that I have Stormbreaker and can call upon the Bifrost. Or I could return to the Avengers. Sam did tell me he would welcome help in training the new team.”

_And there is a chance I could be a hero again, perhaps be of some use. Even if I fell in battle again, at least it would be an honorable death._

He looked up to Loki and was surprised to see hurt reflected on his brother’s face.

“Is that truly what you wish to do?” Loki asked softly.

Thor lowered his gaze again. “I don’t know what I want, Loki. I wish I did, but my mind is burdened with so many thoughts and memories. I do not know what I should do. I do not even recognize myself anymore. I don’t know who I am.”

Tears started to spill down his cheeks again. It wasn’t uncommon nowadays, sometimes he would start to cry for no reason. It was just another thing Thor didn’t understand. It felt like he was falling apart, and he had no idea why or how to stop it. He didn’t know how to get better or if it were even possible.

Surely this would be what drove Loki away. After all, the trickster saw emotions as messy and preferred to avoid them.

“Do you remember that time I convinced you to fight a tournament in skirts?”

Despite his turmoil, Thor snorted. “How could I forget? I did very well, despite your attempts at sabotage.”

Loki harrumphed. “Yes, that was rather annoying. Your desire for glory was apparently stronger than any embarrassment you might have felt. Instead of humbling you, it only fed your ego. I was subjected to your non-stop boasting for months.”

“I’m sorry your scheme didn’t work out the way you wished,” Thor said dryly. “You should have known that my ability as a warrior would not be hampered by whatever clothing I wore.”

“I suspected as much, hence my conjuring the roots,” Loki replied, an amused smirk dancing across his lips.

“Yes, that was certainly not pleasant,” Thor said. “You were really determined to cause me to lose that tournament, weren’t you?”

“Your arrogance was unbearable, Thor. I had to do something.”

“ _My_ arrogance?” Thor paused, frowning as he thought back to that tournament. It had been so many years and he hadn’t thought of it in quite some time. “There was an incident at that tournament. One of the participants was found to not be who he claimed he was. I had been scheduled to fight him earlier but had to push the match back because of those damn thorns and I needed to get the resulting wounds seen to.”

“Mmm, I don’t remember that,” Loki lied. Thor stared at him, stunned. Surely that had just been a stroke of luck. That was well after they started drifting apart. Thor had been shocked Loki even turned up at that tournament. Those were the days he often disappeared on lengthy journeys, exploring other worlds. Tournaments were certainly not a thing Loki had any particular interest in. Thor had always assumed he attended solely to make a fool of his brother, but now the god of thunder suspected otherwise. His brother’s motives were rarely simple.

“Clothing doesn’t affect your skill or abilities as a warrior, nor does it alter who you are,” Loki said softly. “Neither does what you’re enduring now. Your episodes do not diminish or change who you are, Thor.”

Thor swallowed and looked away, unwilling to allow his brother to see his tears. He wanted to believe Loki, but he was filled with such doubt.

“Mother always used to tell us that it is not weak to need help, to seek it out,” Loki continued. “I fear we both did a poor job taking those words to heart. Perhaps we should try to change that.”

Thor was quiet for a moment, clutching his brother’s sleeve. “Loki?”

“Hmmm?”

“I don’t think I’m okay,” Thor whispered, his voice shaking. Loki didn’t respond, but his arms tightened slightly around his brother and for a moment, Thor felt comforted. He felt…safe.

Thor closed his eye and fell asleep to the soft even breathing of his brother. That comforting sound often lulled him back to sleep.

When Thor woke the next morning, Loki was still there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like years down the line, after things have settled down and Thor has learned how to manage his anxiety and PTSD, the Odinsons will be having dinner, and Loki, from out of nowhere, just suddenly says, "...I used to have a complete set of dishes when I first came to New Asgard." XD
> 
> This was obviously one of the low points on Thor's path to recovery. Unfortunately, people sometimes lash out at the ones they care about the most, particularly when they're struggling.
> 
> Only a few chapters left in this fic. It'll be finished by next week (and I'm not sure when I'll get the chance to post again. Hopefully you lot will still be here. I do so enjoy your reactions).
> 
> Next chapter goes up Friday!
> 
> See everyone then :) <3


	9. Chapter 9

** IX. Outside **

“I have an errand to run and I shall be gone most of the day.”

Thor’s head jerked up at Loki’s casual statement. The trickster wasn’t even looking at him, but rather focused on the papers in front of him. _He won’t come back. This is how he intends to leave,_ Thor thought. He swallowed and pushed some of the food around on his plate, trying to hide how much his hand was shaking. The god of thunder wanted Loki to go out more, being cooped up was not good for the trickster, but he also dreaded it.

An uncomfortable and familiar tightening started to wrap around his chest. _You are being ridiculous. He is the acting leader of New Asgard. He is being responsible, like you always wanted him to be. Stop clinging to him. He has duties that require his attention. If you continue being a burden, Loki will leave. If you keep acting like this, he will vanish forever._

Thor wouldn’t blame Loki if he left for good. The god of thunder couldn’t stand being around himself. Why would Loki subject himself to…?

“Thor?”

Thor jolted, unaware that he’d slipped into a state of silence. Glancing over at Loki, he could read the concern on his brother’s face. Loki was resting one hand on Thor’s wrist, studying his face. Embarrassment swept over Thor and he looked away from Loki’s questioning eyes.

“How long?” he asked softly.

“Not overly,” Loki replied, not needing clarification. “Just a few moments. I don’t think it even—”

“Don’t patronize me, Loki,” Thor grumbled, looking over to the windows. He’d been having similar episodes over the past few days. He would go blank for a few minutes and when he would snap out of such a state, he would still feel nervous and uneasy. His heart would be pounding a little faster and sometimes he would be sweating.

“What kind of errand requires you to leave for so long?” Thor asked, changing the subject in the hopes of staving off an episode. He continued pushing the food around on his plate. Thor no longer cooked for them, not since having a panic episode when trying to make breakfast the previous week. He’d nearly burned their little house down and it was only Loki’s timely appearance that prevented that from happening.

Since then, Thor couldn’t bear to look at the stove or the oven. Yet another sanctuary had been denied to him. He would make himself a sandwich on occasion, but that was all he could manage. The list of things he could do was growing shorter and it was making Thor feel more and more despondent.

Loki sat back and shrugged nonchalantly.

“An insignificant matter, nothing serious,” Loki assured him, and Thor raised an eyebrow. He and his brother had always had vastly different ideas of what constituted a “serious” matter.

“Is it related to the running of New Asgard?” Thor asked, curious. A contemplative expression crossed Loki’s face. He appeared to be considering his answer.

“In a manner of speaking,” he replied. “One of the…conditions related to my being allowed to remain on this world is regular check-ins. I’m required to meet with representatives from SHIELD and answer a few questions. Normally they visit New Asgard and we sit down in the town hall. However, since SHIELD is no longer allowed within the borders of New Asgard, I must go to them just outside our borders. It’s a rather dull affair, I’m afraid, but at least it never lasts overlong.”

“What sort of questions?”

Loki waved a dismissive hand. “You know what Midgardians are like. They are such nervous creatures.”

Thor stared at him and Loki’s shoulders dropped slightly.

“They just want to reassure themselves that I’m not a threat and harbor no ill will toward this world,” Loki told him. “They will question me for an hour, grow bored, and then get on with their dull little lives.”

Thor heard the whine of a saw and shuddered. His memories had started to gradually clear. While he still couldn’t clearly remember all that had happened after being brought back, Thor remembered bits and pieces. Noises, smells, sensations, sights. Constant, unending pain. His vague memories made him feel on edge all the time and it was exhausting.

Running his hands over his face, Thor sat back. “Who will be questioning you?”

Loki shrugged. “I don’t know, SHIELD people. All Midgardians look alike to—”

“Don’t lie to me, brother,” Thor warned. “I know you. You never go anywhere without gathering all the necessary information.”

_He has left before,_ a little voice in the back of Thor’s mind chimed in. _He is always looking for an escape._

Loki cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair. “Former Director Fury is always there, overseeing the questioning. I do believe he has grown rather fond of me.”

Loki smirked, looking to Thor, who glared at him. He was not in the mood for jest. The trickster sighed, his shoulders slumping again, and cleared his throat.

“I have spoken with a number of agents in the years since the war,” he continued, lifting his tea and blowing some steam off the top before taking a sip of it. “This year, General Ross will be conducting the questioning.”

“You’re not going,” Thor immediately stated. Loki looked rather amused at his response as he put his mug down.

“I’m afraid I don’t have much of a choice in the matter,” he stated calmly. Thor stood from his chair and moved over to the counter, where Loki had left his phone. He was going to call Fury and tell him that he was not going to allow his brother to be interrogated by the military man who was behind Thor’s own torment.

As he reached for the phone, it flew out of his reach. Thor twisted, glaring angrily at his brother, who tucked the phone away into his inner pocket.

“Thor—”

“No, Loki. If you think I’m going to allow you to be tortured by a madman—”

Loki scoffed. “Such melodrama. Nobody is going to torture me, Thor.”

“You underestimate him, like you do every adversary you face! You don’t know what he’s capable of! I do!” Thor roared at his brother, wishing Loki would take something seriously for once in his life. Loki crossed his arms over his chest, tilting back in his chair a little.

“I’m well aware of what the man is capable of, Thor. I have seen the aftermath of his cruelty firsthand,” Loki pointed out coolly. “But I’m also aware of his limits. He cannot harm me, not without alienating his few allies and starting an international incident. The man is a sadist, but he’s not a complete fool. He’s not about to jeopardize his position or standing. There is strife between Fury and him over his…treatment of you. Ross knows Fury is looking for a reason to bring him up on charges, as are your numerous friends and allies. He’s not about to give them one.”

Thor clutched the counter nearest to him, his legs suddenly feeling weak. He didn’t trust General Ross, especially not when it came to Loki. The military man was going to imprison his brother and put him through the same tortures he inflicted on Thor, likely even worse ones. He was going to break Loki like he did Thor. That was something the god of thunder could not bear. _Thanos took my brother from me and now this Midgardian is going to do the same. I cannot allow that. I will not allow that._

“I’m going with you,” Thor stated firmly, feeling his heart starting to beat even faster. Another episode was coming, he knew it. He didn’t care.

Loki squinted at him. “Thor, you are unable to leave the house. You struggle to merely open the front door. Do you really think you can make a close to three-hour journey to the borders of New Asgard? Can you spend several hours in an unfamiliar space, filled with noises and strangers?”

Thor’s nostrils flared and he stormed down the front hall, ignoring Loki calling after him. He reached the front door and stood in front of it. _Just open the door and step outside. That’s nothing. It’s easily done. There is nothing to fear, no threat you face. So just do it._

And yet Thor felt frozen in place. His heart was hammering in his chest, blood rushing in his ears. He could feel himself shaking, though he wasn’t sure if that were on account of fear, anger, or both.

_You’re not going to be able to do it. You’re too weak, too pathetic._

Thor hung his head, feeling defeat wash over him. Weak, that was what he was. He was no longer a hero. He was just weak.

“Thor?” Loki’s voice came from behind him.

“Do whatever you think is best, Loki,” Thor muttered. “Go wherever you must, speak with whoever you want. I am sure you have considered all the risks and used your best judgment.”

Thor couldn’t bring himself to look at his brother, as he moved toward their bedroom. The shame he felt was overwhelming. He was physically incapable of leaving their home, even to protect his brother. Thor was unable to do even the simplest of things.

“Will you still be here when I return?”

Thor’s head jerked up at the soft-spoken question and he froze, slowly turning to look at his brother. There was a hesitance in Loki’s words, a question he couldn’t bring himself to ask aloud, but Thor heard it. And if he was being honest, he didn’t know.

Loki was watching him, discomfort read in the way he subtly fidgeted. He looked uneasy and Thor thought he probably didn’t feel comfortable leaving his brother alone for so long. Had he finally found what the trickster feared?

“If…if you’re not feeling well, I can reschedule. I have to go at some point, but it doesn’t have to be today,” Loki continued, rubbing the back of his neck. “In fact, I would prefer to stay home. I have some matters that require my attention, which probably shouldn’t be put off.”

Offering Loki a watery smile, Thor decided to try reassuring his brother. If he couldn’t protect Loki, he should at least try to put his mind at ease.

“It’s okay, Loki. I’m feeling all right, no worse than usual. Please go to meet with Fury and…Ross,” Thor told him, doing his best not to outright lie. Loki could still sense half-truths, but not as easily as outright lies.

Loki rubbed his arm, one finger tapping on his bicep, still obviously uncomfortable. Thor suddenly felt very tired and turned away from his brother, heading to the room they shared. He climbed into bed and pulled the covers over his head, tears already starting to run down his face. Closing his eye, Thor tried to think of better times in the hopes of keeping the nightmares at bay.

_*_

Thor awoke to strange beeping and music, the sounds of a Midgardian game. Frowning, he rose to his feet and moved over to the room door, pulling it open.

Korg was sitting on the couch, a game controller in his large rocky hands. Miek was sitting beside him, chittering angrily and gesturing animatedly at the screen.

“No, I already tried that way. There’s no secret there, Miek,” Korg said, twisting a little. Before Thor could disappear back into his room, Miek looked over and squeaked excitedly, raising his blades. Korg looked up from the screen to the door, a large grin splitting his rocky face.

“Oh, hey there, Thunder,” Korg greeted warmly with a small wave. “Haven’t seen you for a while. How have you been?”

Thor felt frozen in the spot, unsure how he felt about his two friends being in his home. He had missed them terribly, but he didn’t want the former gladiators to see him in this state. Thor didn’t want anyone to see him in the state he was in.

“If you’re hungry, your refrigerator and pantry are pretty well stocked,” Korg continued. “Miek and I brought over some groceries, at the request of your brother. You okay, man? You look a little…ghosty.”

The god of thunder cleared his throat and nodded. “Y-yes, I’m fine, Korg. It is good to see the two of you.”

He carefully moved across the space and sat in the recliner near the couch the two former gladiators were occupying.

“Your brother asked us to hang out here for a bit, until he got back,” Korg explained. “Think he wanted us to keep you company.”

Thor rolled his eye. “Yes, Loki is always thinking of others.”

Korg, who had been about to turn back to his game, glanced over at his friend. “Something on your mind, Thunder? You sound a bit upset.”

“No, I’m not,” Thor lied, running a hand over his face. “Forgive me, my friends. I haven’t been sleeping well and I fear tiredness makes my tongue sharper than it normally would be.”

Miek started squeaking and clicking excitedly. Korg nodded and looked back to Thor.

“Miek just reminded me that Loki asked us to tell you he’ll be back early this evening, in time for supper. You can reach him by phone if you need to. He’s not going to turn it off,” Korg reported. Again, Thor couldn’t help but scoff.

“I’m sure they won’t confiscate his phone when they put him in irons,” he grumbled.

“Doubt they’ll be doing that, especially not with the Valkyrie there.”

At that, Thor’s head jerked up. He had wondered why Brunnhilde wasn’t there. After all, whenever Loki had to go out to run errands or meet with advisors, he always left Brunnhilde with his brother. It was something Thor found frustrating. Brunnhilde was their best warrior and he would prefer she protect his brother, who undoubtedly faced threats as a leader. The god of thunder didn’t want anyone to see him in his current state, but neither did he want his brother to sacrifice his own safety.

“I must confess,” Korg’s voice drew Thor out of his thoughts. “I was rather surprised Loki didn’t figure out a way to avoid the questioning. He never enjoyed them when they took place here. And with what the general said to him—”

“What? What did Ross say to him?”

Miek chittered angrily, briefly raising his blades. Korg seemed laidback, as he always did. They were quite the interesting pair.

“Couldn’t say for sure, man. But when your brother was still in Wakanda, after you had died, Ross said some stuff. From what the captain with the shield implied, it cut our trickster pretty deep. Stirred up plenty of unpleasant thoughts and memories, I imagine,” Korg replied with a shrug. “Based on what I’ve heard and seen, Loki would rather be anywhere else in the world. But I think he’s determined to stay here.”

Thor frowned. “I don’t…I don’t think my brother enjoys being in one place very long. Loki doesn’t enjoy being idle and I don’t think he sees any place as his home.”

“Eh, I don’t know about that. Home isn’t just a physical location, it’s the ones you love. And I haven’t often seen a greater display of love than what your brother is does for this place and us and you, I imagine.”

Thor sighed and swiped at his eyes, his emotions once again betraying him. He wanted to believe Loki saw this place as home, that his brother would stay, but that nagging fear just wouldn’t leave him. Thor glanced to the side when Miek started chittering again. Korg nodded and then looked back to Thor.

“Miek here wanted to remind you to eat. Brunnhilde has given him permission to use excessive force.”

Thor let out a huff of a laugh and nodded. “All right, I shall.”

He stood up and paused, considering trying something. Looking back to the gladiators, Thor offered them a watery smile.

“I will get some food and I think I will try to eat outside for a change,” Thor told them. Korg grinned and turned back to his game, soon swept up whatever was happening on the screen. Thor took a deep breath and made his way into the kitchen, deciding to take things one thing at a time. First, he would get a little food. Then he would walk out of the kitchen to the door. Then he would attempt to open the door.

_One thing at a time,_ Thor reminded himself and then made his way to the kitchen.

_*_

The stars were just starting to peak out in the sky when Loki returned home. Thor was curled up on the bench just outside their house, watching the heavens. Headlights washing over him drew his attention to the road. He watched as Loki emerged from the car, his eyes fixed on the small phone screen illuminating his face. Thor smiled, immense relief washing over him. Loki had come home. The trickster didn’t notice his brother outside waiting for him.

Loki walked up the path, reaching into one of his pockets and pulling out his keys, his eyes not moving from the screen. Thor grinned as he watched his brother reach the front door and stick the key in the lock.

“How did the questioning go?” he asked. Loki’s head jerked up, his eyes widening ever so slightly.

“Thor?” he said, obviously surprised. “You’re outside.”

“So it would seem,” Thor replied with a warm smile. Loki cautiously stepped closer to the bench.

“Can you…are you okay? Are you able to get up?”

Thor furrowed his brow. “Yes, of course.”

“But…” Loki trailed off, shaking his head. “I would suspect an illusion, but you’re not able to cast such spells.”

Thor laughed softly. “No. That is your skill, not mine.”

Loki smiled faintly and Thor noticed he looked tired. Annoyed and tired.

“Will you sit with me, brother?”

The trickster nodded and sank down beside Thor. The god of thunder looked him over, searching for any wounds.

“I’m fine, Thor,” Loki said as he leaned back, stretching his long legs out in front of him. “It was just questions, as it always is.”

“Not all wounds are physical,” Thor mentioned, and Loki glanced over at him. “Are you all right, Loki?”

“I am, as always,” Loki replied easily, studying his brother. “Did you eat?”

“A little,” Thor replied. Even though the fresh air felt divine in his lungs and being outside improved his mood, Thor had still been worried about his brother. Stress led to nausea, among other things.

“Hmmm,” Loki replied, closing his eyes. “Well, I didn’t. We met in an utterly abysmal establishment and the food was unappetizing. I am going to make myself something that’s actually edible. Would you care to join me?”

Thor smiled and nodded. “I would. But can we just remain out here, for a little while?”

Loki nodded and Thor leaned back, mirroring his brother’s position. _I’m dying, Loki. I fear that I shall soon leave you again and for that I am truly sorry,_ Thor thought, wishing he could speak the words aloud. Yet he couldn’t do that to his brother. He was succumbing to this mysterious ailment, he knew. It was only a matter of time before he couldn’t fight anymore, before his dark thoughts consumed him. Before he gave into the urges that told him he didn’t belong among the living. It was cowardly to feel such things, to even think such things, but no matter what Thor did, the dark thoughts kept coming back.

_If he knows I don’t have long, he will leave. I will spend my final days alone._

“Thank you for bringing Brunnhilde with you,” Thor whispered. “I really appreciate you taking such precautions.”

Loki shrugged, closing his eyes as his position became even more relaxed. “I do not trust General Ross any more than you do. And I wasn’t about to spend one minute longer than I had to outside the borders of New Asgard.”

“Because it’s your home?”

“It’s where I live, yes,” Loki replied.

Something about that answer disappointed Thor, but he did his best to mask it.

“Loki?”

“What is it, Thor?”

“If…if anything were ever to happen to me, if we were separated again, I want you to know that it isn’t your fault. No matter what anyone says, no matter what anyone tells you. If we’re separated, it’s not your fault.”

Loki’s eyes snapped open and he turned his face to Thor, his brow furrowing as he searched the god of thunder’s face.

“Why are you saying these things to me?”

Thor shrugged. “Korg mentioned a rumor that General Ross said hurtful things to you, after I fell in battle. I want to make sure nobody is ever able to do that again.”

“Thor, do not attempt to deceive me. Why are you saying such things?” Loki asked, straightening up. “Are you hurting? Have your thoughts become troubled again?”

Thor shook his head. “No more than normal. Peace, brother. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Loki squinted at him and for a brief moment, Thor feared that Loki had figured out exactly how bad his pain was. His brother was perceptive, frighteningly so. Over the years, Thor had learned it was next to impossible to hide things from Loki.

_This is what is going to drive him to run. If he knows I’m dying, he has no reason to stay._

_Please, brother. Please stay just a little while longer._

Loki sat back and looked out over the field. In the distance, the twinkling lights of New Asgard could just be seen. Thor had always found it a little sad that his brother felt the need to exist so far away from the heart of the city. Their home was practically right on the border, which the god of thunder suspected was intentional. Loki didn’t like revealing vulnerabilities to others.

“Very well,” Loki muttered as he rose to his feet. “Come, brother. Let us get something to eat.”

Thor allowed Loki to help him to his feet. A faint sadness came over the god of thunder, like a small storm cloud hanging over his head, dogging his every step.

“It’s a nice evening,” Loki commented. “Perhaps we could go for a walk after dinner.”

“I’d like that,” Thor replied with a weak smile. He followed Loki inside their small dwelling and did his best to conceal the heaviness he felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I thought of this short fic, I was actually toying around with this scene (with the intention of possibly making it a one-shot). I decided to include it in this story because it fit rather well. This moment was kind of the calm before the storm, but there was still a lot of unseen turmoil.
> 
> Okay, chapter ten is really rough, readers. There is incredibly heavy subject matter and if you're easily triggered, you might want to consider skipping it. It's important to the story, hence my including it, but it is tough to get through so proceed with caution. It covers what happens in "Rainstorms and Sunshine" but from Thor's perspective.
> 
> Next chapter goes up Monday.
> 
> See you then :) <3


	10. Chapter 10

** X. Healing and Enduring **

After that night, Thor found he was able to leave the house again for brief spans of time. He would often go for short walks with his brother. For a time, the fresh air did him good. Thor believed they might have found the cure for his ailment. Perhaps he would finally start to heal.

Yet the panic and melancholy episodes didn’t stop. If anything, they became worse. Or so it seemed to Thor.

His despair finally overtook him. For the second time in recent memory, Thor gave up. He didn’t attempt to fight against the overwhelming hopelessness he felt. Even though the sun rose every day, Thor remained lost in shadows.

The first time he wound up at the cliff’s edge, Loki’s timely appearance was all that prevented Thor from plunging to the boulders below. The trickster saved his brother from falling, achieving what Thor failed to do when their positions had been reversed all those years ago on the Bifrost.

After Loki showed Thor the private memorial he’d constructed for Frigga, the god of thunder thought perhaps it could be a sanctuary. He visited it a couple times, but it never helped with the misery that became a constant in his life. It granted him a few moments peace, but it never lasted. Once Thor left, he would return to the same horrible memories and nightmares.

The final straw was when he wound up in the garden one stormy night. Thor’s entire memory of the evening would always be fuzzy. He woke up to find his lightning gone and panicked. Lightning was the last thing he had left, the last lingering part of who he was. He couldn’t lose that as well. He ran out into the storm, hoping it would reignite his lightning. _Please, please don’t take this from me. Don’t take this one final part of me._ Realizing he couldn’t feel the storm, or anything else, caused him to panic even more.

In his panic, Thor became convinced his lightning was buried deep within himself and he just had to cut it out. He just had to set it free and immediately took out a sharp battle dagger he always carried on him. When he sliced deep into his arm, Thor hadn’t even felt it. In his haze, he was dimly aware that there was a concerning amount of blood. But he would feel some pain if he was seriously hurt.

Before he had a chance to cut deeper, he heard his brother’s voice. He paused. Loki sounded…terrified. Looking back to his arm, Thor thought about what to do. Surely, he should go find his brother, fight off whatever was frightening the trickster, protect his brother from whatever threatened him. After all, he’d sworn to always do so. But if he didn’t have his lightning…

Suddenly, Loki was kneeling in front of him, anger clearly read on his face. It was almost instantly replaced by horror when the trickster noticed the blood. Thor swallowed and tried to convince his uncooperative tongue to work. He had to explain to Loki what he was doing. Loki would understand. His brother was very smart.

“Thor, what did you do?” Loki asked. He didn’t sound angry. He sounded…scared. Loki reached for the knife, but Thor pulled away.

_I’m fixing myself, brother. This is the answer._

“I can’t feel it,” Thor muttered. It was the only response he could think of. Loki looked up at him, pain in his expression as well as fear. Thor attempted to smile but found he could not. Smiling was something he was no longer capable of. He hadn’t been able to do so for quite some time.

Thor continued trying to explain what he was doing, but the words became more and more difficult to retrieve. He didn’t have the energy or strength to do so anymore. He just had to show his brother. Thor lifted the knife again. One more cut and his lightning would be free. He would be strong again. He would be the hero he’d been before encountering Thanos.

_I’m releasing you, Loki. I’m freeing us both. You will be free to go off again, liberated from worry and obligation. I will finally be okay. I will finally be at peace._

Before he could cut deeper, his brother’s hand shot out and latched onto his wrist. Thor looked up into his brother’s teary green eyes. He noticed it was still raining and Loki was soaking wet. Loki didn’t like being wet. Why didn’t he bring an umbrella or conjure some sort of shield from the adverse weather?

Wait, he was crying. Why was Loki crying?

“Stop,” Loki said softly, pleading. Thor had never heard his brother beg. Hel, Loki hadn’t even begged for his life when Thanos was…when he…

_Don’t leave, Loki. Please don’t leave again._

“Please, stop,” Loki begged, desperation bleeding into every word.

Thor had never been able to deny his brother. He couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t live another day, he couldn’t go on. Thor had nothing left. Yet Loki was begging him to do so. His brother was asking him to fight.

Loki was asking him to stay and Thor couldn’t deny his brother, but he didn’t know how to keep going.

His face crumpled and he released the knife, which he felt Loki take from him before wrapping his arms around Thor’s form. As great sobs tore through his hurting soul, Loki held him and comforted him. Strangely, Thor could feel his brother trembling. It was barely noticeable, but Thor could feel it.

When the rain started to let up, Thor’s tears stopped. He was barely aware of anything. He couldn’t do anything: couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t react. He was completely numb. Loki yanked off his own jacket and tore it into strips. Thor watched as Loki used his seidr to slow the bleeding and then swiftly bound the deep wound. Loki spoke to him the entire time, calmly and soothingly. Occasionally, he would glance up at Thor, as though expecting a response. Thor didn’t offer one, he couldn’t. He was so empty and didn’t even have the strength for a conversation.

Loki finished binding the deep wound and held his brother’s hand between his own for a moment. His hands were cool, as they always were. Thor could feel Loki watching him, but didn’t even have the strength to lift his head.

“Come, brother. Let’s go home,” Loki whispered as he got to his feet. Thor didn’t rise beside him, remaining sitting on the wet ground. Loki reached down and carefully helped Thor to his feet. When Thor almost fell back to the ground, the trickster swiftly leaned Thor against him.

“I’ve got you,” Loki said reassuringly. Thor felt his brother’s firm grasp and knew he would not fall.

He started guiding Thor home, taking paths where they were least likely to encounter citizens or other prying eyes. Thor continued to lean against Loki, unable to stand or walk on his own. When they were halfway home, Thor used whatever strength he had left to look over at his brother. Loki was focused solely on the road they were walking down. His expression was troubled.

“Let me go,” Thor whispered. Loki’s brow furrowed and he looked over at his brother. Thor swallowed and felt more tears stream down his face. He was done fighting. It was time to admit defeat. Thor just wanted to be at peace.

“Please, let me go,” Thor tried again. Coldness settled over Loki’s expression as he narrowed his eyes at his brother.

“No,” he hissed. “We’re not beaten yet.”

“Please.”

“No,” Loki’s voice cracked as he continued leading them home. There was a stubborn determination in his words and in his stride. Thor wished he had that kind of strength. Perhaps he should have asked Loki’s advice when he’d still had the strength to get up in the morning. When he’d had peaceful moments and days. Such moments now felt like a beautiful dream he’d experienced long ago.

_I’m sorry, brother. I wish I were stronger. I would continue fighting if I had anything left. I would never leave you if I had a say in the matter._

_*_

Brunnhilde came over a few days later. Thor hadn’t left the house since Loki found him in the memorial to Frigga. The temptation of the cliffs was too strong, and Thor didn’t want to do that to Loki. Whatever little energy he had, he was dedicating to finding a way to depart that would cause the trickster the least amount of pain. This had to end, but Thor had to make sure his brother would be okay. He couldn’t bear the thought of causing Loki any sort of lasting pain. The trickster had suffered enough at Thanos’ hand. Thor wouldn’t do that to him.

While Thor was resigned to his end, Loki was still fighting the inevitable. He slept in Thor’s bed every night, clinging tightly to his brother. If Thor so much as stirred in his sleep, Loki would be wide awake in an instant. He watched Thor like a hawk, rarely letting his brother out of his sight, and hadn’t left the house since the incident in Frigga’s garden. Being Loki, he claimed he was taking time off for himself and feigned enjoyment of his vacation.

But Thor noticed how the tension never left his body. It made him feel even guiltier for burdening his brother so.

Thor was sitting on the couch, staring out the window when Loki led Brunnhilde in. It was all he could do. Nothing brought him joy anymore. Not cooking, not working with his hands, not even reading. Thor felt like a ghost, joyless and hollow. He wasn’t living, he was merely existing. Whatever good memories he had felt like a story he’d read long ago. Thor mourned for the life he’d once had, for the hero he’d once been and never would be again.

“Hey, big guy,” the Valkyrie said gently as she sat beside him. Thor looked over at her with misery painted all over his face. He’d endured another flashback to that awful day on the ship of refugees. It had taken Loki more than an hour to calm him. It was further evidence that this had to end.

Brunnhilde had a thick packet in her hands. As she explained what it was and told him about the facility they had found, repeating what Banner had told him a few months ago when he’d first suggested Thor spend some time in such a facility, the god of thunder felt hopeless. He had to figure out a way to turn her down. He wasn’t going to get better and he was done trusting in false hope.

As he was about to turn down Brunnhilde’s suggestion, Thor’s eye wandered to Loki. His brother was standing in the kitchen doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. He was watching them but not looking directly at them. Thor saw the rings under Loki’s eyes, read the subtle hints of exhaustion in his stance.

And suddenly Thor understood. He hadn’t been the only one fighting every single day. His brother had been right beside him. Loki prepared meals, held Thor when he had a panic episode, forwent sleep when the god of thunder’s sleep was troubled, told him stories when his thoughts were dark. Loki had read to him when Thor was too weak to get out of bed, held his hand when he was at his lowest so he would know he wasn’t alone. He had been taking care of Thor non-stop since the god of thunder returned. That was on top of taking care of New Asgard.

Loki had fought every battle without complaint, remaining at Thor’s side even through the most difficult times. He hadn’t left. _He hadn’t left._ It was not fair to him for Thor to just give up. He owed it to Loki to at least give this a try.

So, Thor signed the papers admitting himself to the hospital. He didn’t know if it would work, if anything would change, but he was willing to try.

_*_

“Mr. Odinson, you have visitors.”

Thor looked up from the letter he was composing when he heard the nurse’s pleasant voice. She offered him a kind smile and stepped to the side. Thor’s eye lit up when he saw the two familiar figures standing behind her. He immediately rose to his feet.

“Captain Rogers, Lady Romanoff!” he greeted in his booming voice.

“Hey, Thor,” Steve greeted with just as much enthusiasm. A rare smile lit up Natasha Romanoff’s face and they quickly crossed the space. Soon, the three were embracing. Thor could feel a smile spread across his face, warmth filling his heart. He’d missed his friends greatly. For the first few weeks, Thor hadn’t felt up to seeing anyone.

When he started feeling a little better, he’d requested to see Brunnhilde. The Valkyrie had come immediately (Thor tried not to think of how many speeding laws she might have broken to arrive so quickly). She visited him every other day. Soon, his friends started visiting. At first, Thor had been self-conscious. But they always spoke as if nothing were different and Thor learned to appreciate their company.

Steve had visited a few times and Thor was always ecstatic to see him.

“What brings you both here?” Thor asked as they sat around the table he’d been writing on.

“We were in the neighborhood and thought we’d swing by,” Natasha jested. Steve laughed softly, dropping his head a little.

“Well, I’m glad you did,” Thor laughed. “How are you both? How are Clint and Laura and your children?”

“They’re good,” Natasha replied, sliding over an envelope she’d been holding. “Lila drew this for you. She asked me to tell you she hopes you’re feeling better and wants to know if you’ll let her fly again when you visit.”

“Of course I shall,” Thor agreed as he opened the envelope. He smiled widely at the child’s drawing. She’d drawn a rainbow of butterflies and written _Get well soon, Thor_ in purple crayon. Thor grinned at the green and black butterfly with a gold head piece that strongly resembled Loki’s horns. It was flying next to a red and silver butterfly with lightning designs on his wings. As Thor studied the butterflies closer, he let out a soft laugh. Lila had drawn all the Avengers and Guardians as butterflies.

“This is beautiful. Please thank her for me,” Thor requested. Natasha nodded, her subtle smile remaining. Thor next turned to Steve.

“And what about you, Captain Rogers? How are you? How are Bucky and Sam?”

“They’re good, Thor. They’re planning to visit next week,” Steve told him. Thor smiled. He had spoken with both men briefly over the phone. Sam had invited him to participate in a weekly phone call with the other Avengers. He’d also set up a therapy group of sorts in the virtual world, a safe haven for those who lived with PTSD. It was also a weekly chat and Thor had already discussed it with his therapist, who suggested it would be a good thing for him to participate in once he was released from the facility. Once he was able to go home again.

For a few minutes, the three friends caught up. Their laughter was easy, and the conversation was pleasant. They were enjoying each other’s company, just like they always did when they got together.

“I don’t mean to bring down the mood,” Natasha suddenly said as she straightened up a little more. “Brunnhilde told us about what happened with the nurse. Are you sure you’re okay, Thor?”

Thor grinned and nodded once. “I am, Lady Romanoff. My brother and the Valkyrie took care of the situation. Everyone here treats me well. For the first time in a long while, I’m starting to feel better. I have learned a number of useful strategies for dealing with flashbacks and nightmares. Since my diagnosis, I have found it easier to manage things.”

“That’s really good to hear, buddy,” Steve said. “Brunnhilde and Loki must visit pretty regularly, huh?”

“Yes, I see Brunnhilde almost every day,” Thor replied with a smile. “Loki doesn’t physically visit me. I think such facilities make him uncomfortable.”

“Wait, you haven’t seen your brother?” Natasha asked, her brow furrowing.

“Not since the nurse’s dismissal,” Thor answered. Steve and Natasha exchanged a look.

“Do you want me to drag him here?” Natasha offered. Thor laughed and raised a hand, shaking his head.

“No, no,” Thor told them. “Loki writes to me every day. He used to write weekly, but since the incident with the nurse, I get a letter every afternoon. I was actually composing a response to his latest correspondence just now.”

“He writes every day?” Steve asked, his eyebrows raising a little.

“Yes,” Thor said. “Sometimes he pops up in the mirror, usually when a member of the council is being particularly vexing. And then I have to remind him that stabbing is not a proper response to conflict.”

Steve and Natasha stared at him. Thor signed his name on the letter he had finished just before they arrived and folded the paper.

“I much prefer the letters,” Thor finished as he slid the paper in the envelope. He licked the edge of the envelope to seal it and pressed the top flap down.

“Well, Thor, I have to admit, I’m at a loss for words,” Natasha told him. Thor frowned.

“Why?”

The red-headed spy shrugged. “I believed your brother had changed, based on what you told us before that last battle. I saw a glimpse of it when he visited our farm to offer Clint his life in recompense for brainwashing him. But what you’re telling us now…”

“It’s just surprising to hear about Loki,” Steve finished with a small smile. Thor shrugged.

“I regret that the first time you met Loki he was not himself. My brother is not without his flaws, but I fear that’s all people see. I made the same mistake for many years,” Thor began, twisting his pen. “But Loki is capable of great compassion, though he is very selective about who he shows it to. I believe my brother possesses a strength that rivals my own, albeit it’s a different kind than mine.”

Thor paused and looked at them. “My brother _is_ a good man. You will see that. If he stays.”

Thor cleared his throat and looked down at his pen. Every time Brunnhilde visited, Thor worried she would bring news that Loki left. It was like Wakanda all over again: Thor in a hospital, unable to leave, and his brother miles away. Perhaps not as far as when Thor had been in Wakanda, but still a great distance.

“You’re worried about Loki taking off?” Steve asked. Thor nodded. He looked up and noticed Natasha looking at him with fondness.

“Buddy, I don’t think Loki is going anywhere,” Steve said. “We may not know him as well as you, but, well, I know family. You’re Loki’s family. All the things you’ve been through? I don’t think anything could ever separate you. At least not for very long.”

Thor smiled feebly and nodded. He wanted to believe his friend, but some part of him still doubted Loki would stay for good. Loki had never felt comfortable remaining in one place.

“I hope you’re right, Captain Rogers,” Thor whispered. He offered his friend another faint smile. Smiling was starting to feel a little easier nowadays.

_*_

The rest of the day went by quickly. Where once he dreaded having people see him in such a state, Thor found he rather enjoyed company. Perhaps it was a sign he was getting better. While he still experienced panic episodes and flashbacks, he was learning methods for dealing with them. But he was still too afraid to hope. Hope was a dangerous thing.

“I am going to have the ship repaired and blast all these incompetent advisors to the other side of the damn galaxy.”

Thor chuckled when he heard the familiar voice behind him. Glancing over his shoulder, he noticed his brother’s reflection in the mirror. Loki looked cross and that was an understatement. His expression resembled that of a wet cat.

“Trying day?” Thor asked as he turned around and leaned against the bed. Loki scowled.

“The constant braying. It’s like being advised by a council of donkeys. They are utterly useless, and I strongly recommend you replace every last one of them when you take up the mantle of leader. If I haven’t throttled them all by that time.”

“Now, now, Loki,” Thor chided gently. “Do not harm the council members. You were the one who decided a Midgardian model of leadership was more suitable for New Asgard.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “I was still in the depths of grief at the time. No one should have listened to me.”

“I’m glad they did. I prefer the more egalitarian approach to leadership of our home,” Thor said with a soft smile. Loki threw his arms up in the air and then dropped them again. The god of thunder couldn’t help but chuckle at his brother’s exasperation.

“Captain Rogers and Agent Romanoff visited me today,” Thor mentioned. Loki raised an eyebrow. “It was good to see them again.”

“Well, that’s good to hear,” Loki replied, putting his hands on his hips. “I imagine you had a much more pleasant day than I did. Have you experienced any nightmares?”

Thor shook his head. “Not for a few days. At least none that I have remembered.”

“What about your panic episodes? Have you had any of those?”

“Not today. I had a minor one yesterday. The last major one I had was about five days ago,” Thor replied. Loki studied him, crossing his arms over his chest.

“And how are you feeling overall?”

Thor considered the question for a moment. He looked back to Loki and smiled.

“I’m feeling…better. Much better than I have in quite some time, brother,” Thor answered. “My thoughts are still dark at times, but nowhere near as dark as they once were. I still find it difficult, enduring these episodes and memories, but I’m starting to feel as though perhaps I can live again. I may never be the same person I was before, and I think I’m starting to feel okay about that.”

Loki grinned widely. “Good, that’s good to hear, Thor.”

Thor looked over his shoulder when he heard a nurse knocking on doors. It was time for one last room check and then it was bedtime.

“They are doing night checks,” Thor told Loki. The trickster nodded.

“I shall leave you to your healing,” Loki said with a faint smile. Thor stepped toward the mirror and put his fingertips against it. Loki mirrored the gesture.

“Goodnight, Thor,” Loki said.

“Goodnight, Loki,” Thor replied. Then Loki’s reflection vanished, leaving only Thor’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the most intense chapter of this fic (and it's the one I rewrote the most, unsurprisingly). Thor really hits rock bottom in this chapter.
> 
> ACK! Readers, I'm sorry for being so behind in comment replies (I got swept up again in another thing and it required more late nights than I'm accustomed to). I'm going to start replying to the ones on the last chapter tomorrow morning and I will hopefully finish by the evening. My apologies for the delay (I've read them all and they just warmed my heart. You lot are the best). I'll also be responding to comments on this chapter throughout the week.
> 
> The next chapter is the conclusion of this fic. It's nice and fluffy (I felt it warranted after the long journey this story brought you on).
> 
> Anyhow, I'm really looking forward to the reaction on this chapter. As always, comments are welcomed and appreciated (you lot always manage to make me smile. Thank you).
> 
> Next chapter goes up Friday.
> 
> See everyone then!


	11. Chapter 11

** XI. Coronations **

Thor fidgeted in front of the mirror, re-checking his silver armor. It had been ages since he’d worn it. It had needed repair after the first battle with Thanos. It shone as if newly forged and yet, strangely, it didn’t feel as comfortable as it once had. Thor used to love wearing his armor and it felt like a second skin. After the war against Thanos, Thor found he would have preferred to wear just about anything else.

“You’re nervous.”

“No, I’m not,” Thor mumbled in response, tugging at another knot.

“You know, your friend with the ridiculous metal wings is out in the audience. I’m certain he could set up a short group session in the ten minutes before this ceremony if you wish. Norns knows you’re never on time to anything anyway.”

Thor smiled faintly and turned, his eye widening in surprise.

Loki stood there, dressed in his typical Asgardian regalia: black leather with splashes of green and gold. The gold was polished and shone as if it were brand new (his brother had always been so fastidious when it came to taking care of his clothes). But Loki’s clothing wasn’t what surprised the god of thunder.

“Your horns,” Thor said, unable to conceal the delight in his tone. Loki raised an eyebrow and approached Thor, turning his attention to the knots in the armor, batting Thor’s hands away from them.

“I figured it appropriate, given the circumstances,” Loki replied as he undid a clumsily tied knot. His dexterous fingers made quick work of it. Soon, a more secured knot held the armor in place.

“I feared you had lost it,” Thor confessed, watching his brother work. “I have not seen it since the final battle against Hela.”

Loki laughed softly. “I haven’t had reason to wear it, but I could never part with it. It’s much too useful.”

Thor smiled warmly. “It still makes you look like a cow.”

Loki smirked. “Missing your own headwear, brother? I’m sure we could dig up some feathers somewhere. I believe a few citizens keep pigeons.”

The god of thunder laughed softly, dropping his eye to the ground. He could feel anxiousness bubbling up in his chest. It wasn’t the sort of panic that still overwhelmed him on occasion, nowhere near as regularly as it used to, but Thor still felt nervous about potentially having an episode on this important day.

“Brother, are you all right?” Loki asked, moving around so he was facing Thor. Resting one hand on Thor’s shoulder, Loki squeezed gently. “Talk to me, Thor.”

Thor shook his head and sniffled. “I never thought this day would come to pass. After Thanos’ massacre and losing you and then falling in battle, everything that happened after…this is the last thing I ever expected to happen.”

“It would have happened sooner had you not insisted on waiting,” Loki reminded him. Thor gave his brother a very dry look.

“I wanted you to share in this day and it felt right to start a new tradition,” Thor replied. Loki tilted his head, smirking.

“Sentiment,” he teased. His smile fell after a moment. “Truth be told, brother, this is a joyful day. You have earned this, and I am looking forward to seeing you bring the Aesir into a new golden age. You will be a great leader, Thor.”

Thor wrapped his arms around his brother and embraced him tightly, burying his face in Loki’s dark hair. He once again thanked the Norns for being merciful.

“Thank you, brother,” Thor said warmly. He felt Loki return the embrace. They had lost each other, so many times, and yet somehow, they had found each other again. Whether it was destiny or just good luck, Thor didn’t care. He was just glad to have his brother there, alive. After a moment, they stepped out of the embrace. Thor was surprised to see Loki’s eyes were glistening. The trickster laughed softly and shook his head, swiping at his eyes.

“You just had to make us both emotional,” Loki teased. “You know your friends are out there, as are a number of our people. We can’t start blubbering and weeping before your coronation.”

Thor laughed and gently pushed his brother’s shoulder. Glancing over toward the window, the god of thunder sighed.

“The last time I had a coronation, it was interrupted by Jotuns,” Thor mentioned, glancing over at Loki. “You haven’t any similar surprises this time, have you?”

Loki laughed breathily. “I’m afraid not. I fear I shall never be able to top that bit of fun.”

Thor chuckled and wrapped an arm around his brother’s shoulders. He felt stronger and more sure of himself than he had in quite some time. He had hope again and the future was bright. Loki had finally been granted permanent citizenship. Thor was ecstatic about that, but he was even more happy that Loki had applied for it willingly. The trickster had even seemed pleased when he had been granted citizenship. Stranger still, he’d agreed to be Thor’s head advisor. Loki had been incredibly reluctant when first asked, but he had eventually accepted the position and now seemed to be looking forward to it.

Maybe, just maybe, Loki would stay.

_*_

They walked into the hall together, where the small crowd had gathered to witness Thor’s official swearing in. For the first time in a while, Thor felt inner peace. He knew there were plenty more trials and tribulations that lay before them, but he was ready to face them. Especially now that he had Loki standing at his side again.

He had shadowed Loki for months, learning everything he could about the way New Asgard worked, learning the troubled parts and the smoothly running aspects. Thor was in awe of his brother’s ingenuity. Loki had set up a self-sufficient country in an impressively short amount of time. He’d created a sustainable life for the Aesir, forged strong alliances, and somehow created a stable economy. The citizens were happy and thriving.

When they entered, Thor paused briefly. For a split second, he felt doubt worm its way into his mind. Could he do this? What if he failed? There were so few Aesir left and he still experienced panic episodes. His conditions were manageable, but they were not cured. There were so many uncertainties…

Then he felt Loki’s hand on his shoulder. “Come on, brother. You have been preparing for this day for quite some time. Just like we practiced.”

Thor dipped his chin to his chest and smiled. Taking a deep breath, he started forward with Loki by his side. It was a much smaller gathering than his first coronation had been and for that, Thor was glad. In the small crowd, Thor glimpsed all his Midgardian shieldbrothers, Avengers past and present, along with the Guardians. They all smiled at him as he walked by and Thor felt his heart warm.

They reached the front where Hlin, a respected Stateswoman who had worked alongside Frigga for many years, would deliver the leadership oath. When he was sworn in, Thor would in turn deliver the oath of the head advisor to Loki.

Once they reached the front of the town hall, Loki wandered off to the side to stand beside Brunnhilde, who was wearing her Valkyrie armor. A genuine smile lit her face and she playfully elbowed Loki as he stood beside her. He smirked at the Valkyrie and then turned his bright green eyes to where his brother stood a few feet away.

Thor turned his attention back to Hlin. It was customary to kneel before whoever was delivering the oath, but Thor hesitated. The god of thunder’s gaze traveled briefly back to where his brother was standing. His thoughts turned to what Gamora had told him about what Loki had probably endured as a thrall of Thanos.

_“He would have forced your brother to kneel before him and swear fealty,” the green woman told him, swallowing. “That was always the worst part. It would happen after weeks, sometimes months of torture. You would kneel before him, bloody and in pain, broken in every way imaginable. You realized it wouldn’t stop until he got what he wanted. If we refused to swear fealty, we had to endure a beating from him. I remember watching him strike a prisoner again and again, even as the man cried and pleaded for him to stop.”_

_Thor thought he would be sick. Tears streamed down his face. Gamora looked over at him._

_“I’m not sure if this makes it better or worse, but based on reports I got from that ship, Loki lasted longer than any other captive. I don’t know exactly what happened to your brother, the exact kinds of torture he was subjected to, but I know Thanos never got him to willingly kneel. He had to settle for dislocating his kneecaps. Even then, it seems Loki refused to give in. He fought hard, Thor. I know that much.”_

_“Then Thanos used the mind stone on my brother,” Thor whispered. Anger was burning in his veins. It almost blocked out the overwhelming pain of grief. Almost, but not quite._

_Gamora nodded. “That was the only way he was able to get Loki to obey, but apparently even that wasn’t enough. I wish I had gotten the chance to meet your brother. I would have liked to have shaken the hand of the man who bested Thanos.”_

_Thor choked on a sob and turned his eye to the ground. When Thanos had him on his knees, he had noticed a brief flicker of terror flash across Loki’s expression, followed shortly by franticness. Thor always chalked it up to the general situation they faced. But now, he suspected his brother’s fear was due to something else._

_He saw Thor in the same position he had been in so many years ago and Loki couldn’t bear it. He was willing to die just to make sure Thor didn’t suffer the same as he. “Oh Loki,” Thor thought as his tears started falling again. He wept himself to sleep that night._

“Thor Odinson, please kneel.”

“No,” Thor said. A quiet murmuring traveled throughout the crowd. Thor swallowed, unsure what he was doing. He glanced over at Loki, who furrowed his brow, obviously as confused as everyone else. Looking to his brother, the trickster made a few subtle gestures with his hands, which Thor recognized.

_Are you okay, brother? Do you need to leave? I can cloak us,_ Loki communicated to him. Thor smiled faintly and shook his head. Some of the rigidness left Loki’s form and he nodded.

“I do not wish to continue this tradition in New Asgard,” Thor explained. “My father was a wise king, but he made a number of mistakes throughout the years he ruled. I do not intend to repeat them. I wish to be an equal to my citizens, not a lord or a king. I do not wish for any of us to kneel, especially not before me. I will swear this oath while standing the same as all in attendance here today. If I am to be a leader, I work for you. I am your equal, as are all those who work beside and advise me. And I will not require any to kneel.”

There was quiet and then a sudden enthusiastic whistling and clapping broke the silence.

“Hell yeah, Thor!” Tony Stark’s enthusiastic voice echoed throughout the chamber. “Man of the people, that’s the way to do it. Proud of you, Point Break!”

Rhodey swatted him, giving him a look, and Tony quieted down though the smile didn’t leave his face.

Hlin stared at him, obviously somewhat baffled. She glanced over to the other advisors who looked just as confused. Finally, she shook her head and continued with the oath. Thor smiled and repeated the words he had practiced all night. He was officially accepting the leadership of New Asgard. It was something he never thought he would achieve, a responsibility he never thought he’d be able to accept, and yet somehow here he was.

Once he finished, a raucous cheer rose up in the chamber, thunderous applause echoing throughout the building. Thor looked over at Brunnhilde and Loki. Brunnhilde was beaming and she looked as happy as Thor had ever seen her.

Loki was more subdued in his reaction, as always. A small grin was playing across his lips, but his expression reflected the pride he felt in his brother. Loki was proud of Thor and he wasn’t attempting to conceal it. Thor smiled and made a subtle gesture with his hand.

_Thank you,_ Thor communicated to him. Loki merely dipped his chin to his chest.

After a moment, the applause died down and Hlin went to stand with the other advisors. Thor watched as Loki stepped forward. As his brother stood before him, Thor couldn’t help but notice how content his brother seemed. There was still a glint of mischief in his eyes, but there was no brokenness or mania. Loki was whole again.

“Are you ready, brother?” Thor asked softly.

“Always,” Loki replied confidently. Thor smiled and lifted the book, only to find himself holding a large snake, which hissed softly. Its iridescent scales glistened in the sunlight. A loud gasp traveled through the crowd and a few of the people nearest to the proceedings took a step back. Thor merely gave his brother a dry look.

“Really?”

Loki’s smiled widely and spread his hands. “I couldn’t resist.”

The snake swiftly turned back into a book. Thor shook his head, ignoring Loki’s snickering. He read the oath and Loki repeated it back to him, agreeing to take up the responsibilities of the position. _At least I know he won’t be a yes-man. Loki will never hesitate to tell me when I’m wrong. Knowing him, he will likely delight in it,_ Thor thought as he listened to Loki repeat the final line of the oath.

“Loki Odinson, I appoint you to the position of head advisor. Long may you serve,” Thor declared. To his great pleasure, an equally loud and raucous cheer rose within the hall. Some people began chanting their names. Their joy echoed off the walls of the building.

“Well, you managed to get through this swearing in without too much difficulty,” Loki muttered under his breath, a teasing edge to his voice. “I told you so.”

Thor laughed softly. “I had a feeling you would say something to that affect.”

“Truthfully, this was dreadfully predictable. I’m hoping the festivities prove to be at least somewhat more entertaining, but I don’t hold out much hope,” Loki sighed as he crossed his hands behind his back.

“Too predictable, you say?” Thor asked, smirking as he looked over at Brunnhilde and nodded over his shoulder. She grinned and briefly stepped away.

“To put it lightly,” Loki said, straightening his shoulders. “I suppose we should dismiss the crowd so we can get on with the feasting and drinking. Gods know I could use a glass of fine wine.”

“Not just yet, brother,” Thor said, and Loki turned to look at him, frowning. Thor grinned and turned to address the crowd.

“Citizens of New Asgard, there is just one more matter I wish to address before the feast,” Thor spoke with confidence. “Over the past few days, I have been pondering what we have celebrated in the past and come to the conclusion that I wish to recognize and celebrate different acts of heroism as we embark on a new age. In the past, we prized heroism as we defined it. I realize now that our definition was rather simplistic and—”

Thor paused and cleared his throat. “I have experienced firsthand how unhealthy such simplistic definitions were. My mother, the late Queen Frigga, once told me that heroism isn’t just acts of courage on the battlefield. It is kindness and compassion.”

Thor glanced over at Loki. “It is caring for others who are hurting and struggling. It is remaining with a loved one when they are facing something unknown and frightening, helping them through their darkest moments.”

Loki tilted his head and then glanced over his shoulder when Brunnhilde stepped back into the main hall, a silver box in her hands.

“Moving forward, I wish to recognize those who care for the ones who come back from adventures and quests and battles with invisible scars. We should celebrate the caretakers and the healers as much as we do our warriors, for they are just as heroic and valiant as those who fight.”

Brunnhilde stepped up to Thor’s side and opened the box, revealing two beautifully made medals inside, forged by the Aesir blacksmiths, what few had survived, and…

“You’re welcome in advance,” Tony Stark called out, causing Thor to chuckle. He lifted the first one, inscribed with sacred ruins and molded to look like both Loki’s dagger and Mjolnir. There was a small sparkling white gem fixed in the place where the grips of the weapons crossed.

“Loki Odinson, this medal is in recognition of your courage, valor, and bravery during the war against Thanos. You risked your life to save ours and fought alongside the people of this planet. You have the gratitude of your people, the Aesir,” Thor told him as he pinned the metal on Loki’s chest. The trickster was staring at it, his face completely unreadable. It seemed as though his silver tongue failed him for one of the first times ever. Thor hadn’t thought he’d ever see his brother at a loss for words.

Thor lifted the other medal, which was shaped to look like Frigga’s favorite flower with her favorite gem, a brilliant green in color, in the middle of it, all in the middle of a heart. Loki looked up from where he had been staring at the first medal, his eyes almost comically wide. He stared at the second medal Thor held, looking to his brother’s face. He didn’t seem to know what to say or do.

“This medal is in recognition for all you did for me after the battle,” Thor continued, feeling tears creep up in his eye. “From building this place, our home, to caring for me throughout my struggles with PTSD, before we knew what it was. You helped me face my nightmares and got me help when I could no longer fight on my own. You saved me, Loki.”

To Thor’s surprise, Loki’s eyes welled up at that last sentence and he closed his mouth, swallowing.

“I would not be here today, were it not for you. This day would not have come to pass were it not for you. You once again showed great courage and bravery in the face of adversity. This medal is in recognition of all that you did to help me heal, all the late nights and panic episodes. All the little things you did, which may have gone by unnoticed. All your efforts, all your patience, your dedication, it is appreciated.”

Thor pinned the medal on Loki, who again stared at it, mystified. Thor clapped him on the shoulder, turning him to face the crowd.

“Citizens, friends, my brother and newly appointed head advisor, Loki Odinson, savior of New Asgard,” Thor stated. All at once, a wild cheering rose up from the crowd. Some people started chanting Loki’s name and Thor saw a small half-smirk dance across his brother’s lips. It warmed the god of thunder’s heart. Loki deserved recognition for his efforts. After a moment, Thor pulled his brother into a tight embrace. Loki stiffened slightly and held his arms awkwardly at his side, as if he’d forgotten how to hug.

“Mother would be proud, Loki,” Thor whispered to his brother, gently kissing his temple. “As am I.”

He heard Loki laugh and sniffle quietly, briefly tucking his face into Thor’s shoulder. The god of thunder felt wiry arms wrap around him.

“No more proud than I am of you, Thor,” Loki finally replied. His arms tightened slightly as he fully hugged his brother. Thor let out a soft laugh, his heart nearly bursting from his chest. Loki was not one who admitted such things regularly or willingly. _My brother is proud of me,_ Thor thought as the smile continued to grow across his face.

The people gathered all continued cheering loudly, celebrating their leaders. The Aesir were pleased with the Odinsons as leaders and were optimistic about the future.

Thor found he was too.

_*_

A few months later, Thor found himself sorting through notecards in a quiet empty room. He was about to deliver one of the most important speeches he would give as a leader and he was terrified. In his youth, he had expected to be a warrior king and he suddenly felt as though that was the only sort of leader he’d be suited for.

A cold hand gently rested on his wrist and he looked over to his brother’s green eyes.

“Talk to me,” Loki said to him, calmly. “Tell me what is making you uneasy.”

Thor swallowed and looked down at his cards. “I have never spoken of my ailments in front of so wide and varied an audience. I know there are some who still question whether I am fit to lead. I have heard the whispers. I do not know how to convince them they are wrong. I fear they might be right.”

Suddenly, a familiar tightness gripped his chest and Thor felt his hands shaking. Without hesitation, Loki gently took the notecards from his hands, led him over to where there was a chair, and urged him to sit. Thor did so and started panting. The trickster placed the cards off to the side and poured him a glass of water.

“Drink this. Slowly,” Loki told him. Thor did as he was told, though found it difficult.

“Gods, I can’t give a speech when I’m having an episode. Brother, I can’t do this,” Thor panted.

“You’re not having an episode. You’re still able to speak with me,” Loki replied. “We’re just going to sit here for a moment. Don’t think about anything else, just focus on me.”

Thor nodded and looked at his brother. He was scheduled to give a speech at the UN concerning mental health. Thor wanted to propose the nations of the world form a council dedicated to mental illnesses and how best to help those suffering from them. He was also going to ask for their counsel. This was one area where the Aesir lacked a great deal of knowledge. Thor wanted to learn from others who had more experience and better methods for treating such illnesses. But he knew Midgard also had a great deal of stigma around illnesses of the mind. The people were reluctant to speak openly of such ailments.

“You are going to do well, Thor. This is something you have been preparing and practicing for all week. It is going to be easy,” Loki told him, allowing Thor to grasp his hand.

“What if I fail?”

Loki shrugged. “I don’t think that likely to happen. However, if it does come to pass, so what?”

Thor’s head jerked up and he stared at his brother, mystified. Loki smiled and leaned back a little.

“We are an independent country. If they do not wish to help us in this endeavor, we shall figure out another way, as we always do. There is a wealth of research available to us and in the public domain. We can even consult with our allies. You have plenty of friends, Thor.”

Thor took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Loki glanced to the side when he heard a soft knock on the doorframe. A young assistant was standing there, impeccably dressed.

“Mr. Odinson, they’re ready for you,” she told him. Thor nodded, grabbed the cards, and got to his feet. Loki stood with him.

“I will be accompanying my brother,” Loki informed her. Thor turned to look at him and the trickster grinned, shrugging.

“I know it’s customary to sit in the audience with the other delegates from New Asgard, but to be surrounded by Midgardians for any measurable amount of time?” Loki explained, shuddering overdramatically. Thor chuckled softly.

“I would feel much more comfortable backstage,” Loki finished. The woman shrugged, adjusted her glasses, and turned. She led the Odinsons down the hall to the auditorium. Thor stepped into the room and felt nervousness bubble up in his chest when he saw the numerous people behind the desks. _They all know of my ailments. I’m the mentally weak leader of a fledgling country. They’re not going to listen to a word I say, much less agree to whatever I propose,_ Thor thought as he tapped his cards on his palm. This was a terrible idea.

“Remember, brother, I will be just a few short feet away,” Loki whispered in his ear. “I’m here.”

Suddenly, Thor felt the stirrings of confidence deep within himself. He straightened his shoulders and held his head high, moving to the speaker’s podium. When he reached it, Thor glanced one last time at Loki. His brother offered him an encouraging smile.

Standing just off to the side, remaining where he knew Thor could see him, the trickster tilted his chin up slightly, encouraging his brother to get on with it. Thor smiled and turned his eye back to the audience, easily picking out a few familiar faces.

“Good morning, esteemed members,” Thor started. As he delivered his speech, Thor felt the future he thought he’d lost. It was once again bright. He would be able to face whatever challenges lay before him.

And he knew Loki would be right at his side.

_**The End** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies! I know I'm late. I came up with a really great scene and I wound up having to rewrite the entire chapter to fit it in so it read correctly. (Also, I know I'm behind on comment responses, again. Rest assured, I will be responding to the ones from the last chapter and this chapter over this week).
> 
> Well, we've reached this journey's end. :( I'm always so sad when a fic ends. It's such a joy to read your responses and reactions. I really cannot thank all of you enough. You lot have made me smile when I'm having a rough day, inspired me to keep trying when I want to give up on a fic, and have just been the absolute best readers a writer could ask for. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you so much.
> 
> I have a very busy year ahead of me, so I'm unsure when I'll post again or how frequently. I am toying around with something that could potentially turn into a one shot (it's actually a scene that was meant to be in this fic, but when I decided to make this entirely from Thor's POV, it just didn't fit since it's from Loki's POV). I hope you lot will still be here whenever I get back to posting again :)
> 
> As always, comments are welcomed and appreciated. I truly love chatting with all of you <3
> 
> Thank you again! :)


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